Glamour Shots
by xxJust Robinxx
Summary: Bella is a shy, lonely Kindergarten teacher who is dreaming of Mr. Right. Edward is a quirky photographer, not exactly a ladies' man. What will happen when Bella is talked into an internet dating site? Awkward meets Disaster, need I say more?
1. Chapter 1

**Photography takes an instant out of time, altering life by holding it still. ~Dorothea Lange**

Chapter 1

It was a Thursday morning like all Thursday mornings that had come before. Edward shrugged on his brown plaid wool jacket. He checked his reflection in the mirror, which hung in the entryway to his modest condo. As he looked at himself, he noted that his eyebrows seemed large and bushy, while his hair was reminiscent of something from the tall, drug- addled character from Scooby Doo. He thought of himself as utterly plain and unappealing. His shaggy brown hair was nothing special, and his skin seemed pale and peaked. Edward shrugged his shoulders with one last glance at his reflection, thankful his job was located behind the lens and not in front of it.

Edward walked to the elaborate cage located in his dining room in place of a dining table. He bid farewell to his only friends: Henri and Dorthea, his pet rats named for his favorite photographers (Henri Cartier-Bresson and Dorthea Lange).

As he drove to work in his beat up '81 model VW Rabbit, Edward thought about how his life had come to pass. At 25, he felt utterly unaccomplished for he was a photographer at Glamour Shots. His mother and father had wanted him to become a surgeon, but Edward just wanted to take pictures, and surgeons didn't take pictures.

No one had told Edward how difficult it was going to be to make an actual living, being the artist behind the camera. So he was forced into corporate malign and took a job at the mall, photographing teenagers for their graduation photos and brides for their weddings.

Day after day, Edward took snapshots of girls and women (and the occasional man), coaxing out their beautiful smiles. But he knew their smiles were never for him. They were for someone else. Their portraits would be for friends and loved ones; smiles to be given away.

Edward longed for someone to give him a smile.

o_O

Across town, Bella stood at the front of her class, pointing to magnetic letters on the blackboard. It was just another day in the life of a kindergarten teacher. Each day she would get up at dawn, start her four-cup coffee maker, take a shower, and peddle her '82 Schwinn in Fair Lady pink the short distance to Oak Ridge Montessori School. There, she mindlessly taught small children, who were challenged in keeping bodily fluids to themselves, to read and write. It was the same routine she'd followed for two years straight.

This had not been Bella's original career choice. She had dreamt of becoming a writer, traveling the world, seeking new and exciting places while scouring the globe for ideas that would lead to her next masterpiece. Bella wanted to be enslaved in romance and swept off her feet, where passion would reign, and two lovers would stay up all night, lost in each other's blissful embrace. But that hadn't been in the cards for Bella. Instead, she daydreamed about the endless, faraway possibilities that she thought would never be.

At the end of her impossibly long day, Bella listlessly hopped on her bike and peddled back to her small, one-bedroom apartment, all without noticing the gum in her hair. When Bella walked inside and threw her bags on the table, she greeted her 22-pound, black and white Maine Coon cat. Calie nuzzled Bella's hand and purred in contentment while she received scratches behind the ears. Bella stopped, much to Calie's displeasure, garnering a hiss and a bite on the leg from her beloved companion.

As Bella stood up and threw a fake mouse for the cantankerous cat to chase, she glanced at the mirror through the bathroom door and shrieked in terror. She'd finally noticed the gum and felt tears well up in her dark eyes. Typically, Bella wouldn't be bothered by such things, but this was the icing on the cake to an incredibly long and frustrating week. She'd had enough.

What the hell will I do now? Bella thought. I'm a real "plain Jane" mess.

Bella hadn't been concerned with her appearance until recently. Because she'd had limited experience with the opposite sex and a sheltered upbringing, she was never one to put herself on display. "The simpler the better" was Bella's motto.

But lately, Bella had been feeling lonely, and she fruitlessly sought the companionship of men. Unfortunately, most of the men she met were losers by definition. Bella went on many first dates but rarely a second.

As she stared at her reflection, her most recent and embarrassing dates came flooding back to her. There was the man who lived with his mother and had a collection of Disney villain t-shirts; the unemployed actor who spent all his free time in Civil War re-enactments; the "Guido" who talked and acted like he was from the Jersey shore, when he was really born and raised in New Mexico; and the guy who wore themed cowboy boots with each of his outfits, most of which were polyester track suits.

The list seemed never-ending. Bella wondered what she'd done to piss off her friends and cause them to set her up with such losers but resigned herself into simply believing she was a loser, too.

Despite her apathy for her own reflection, Bella was a lovely woman. But she felt as though no one would ever want her. As she stood in front of her bathroom mirror, crying and hopelessly trying to remove the gum from her hair, Bella stopped and stared. What she perceived of herself was really rather shocking to an outsider. She claimed she saw lifeless brown eyes, now puffy and red from sobbing, and her cheeks and neck were red and blotchy. Bella also hated her long hair, for there was nothing she could do to tame her untidy locks.

The outside world however, saw Bella as a classic Venus with thick flowing hair, sparkling brown eyes, round rosy cheeks, and luscious plump lips.

Feeling defeated, Bella walked to her small living room and plopped down on her aging couch. She sighed and called her best friend for gum removal advice.

"Alice Whitlock, personal shopper and Avon beauty consultant. How may I be of assistance?"

"Hey, Ali-" but Bella was cut off by her over-eager friend.

"Oh, hey! I was just thinking about you. Payless is having a BOGO sale. We should defs hit that."

Bella didn't understand Alice half the time as she often spoke in text-speak, but she didn't have the time or patience to let Alice derail her. "I need some help!" Bella blurted into the phone before it was too late to rein the exchange back in.

"I was going to ask how your day was, but I'm guessing not so good, given the tone you just shouted at me. What happened? Did that Eric kid spill Kool-aid all over your white Keds again, 'cause I'll kick his little…"

Bella hoped Alice would take a breath soon so she could join in on the conversation. "No, Ali. Eric didn't ruin another pair of shoes." Bella huffed and repositioned herself so she was now lying on the couch, her feet hanging over the armrest.

"Oh, no! Don't tell me he wrote in permanent marker on your Vera Bradley bag! You got that on clearance!" Alice squeaked and then held her breath.

"No, not that either. No clothing or accessories were harmed in the line of duty today. Ali… I got gum in my hair. I need to know how to get it out."

"Oh, Bella, that's awful. I'm so sorry." Alice could hear Bella sniffle through the phone and knew she was crying. Alice felt terrible for Bella and wanted to do something that would turn her mood around.

"Okay, Bella. Don't even think about using peanut butter. I have a better idea."

Bella groaned internally because she knew Alice's better idea would include getting out of the house and spending more money than necessary.

Alice, being the devoted friend she was, jumped in her car and started driving to the apartment before Bella had time to argue. She divulged her plans for Bella to get the "full treatment" tonight at her favorite salon.

"Oh, no, you don't, Alice. The last time I got the 'full treatment,' I ended up with a wicked rash on my hoo-ha from the wax, not to mention neon green nail polish. I don't think that's a good idea. It's more like torture than a treat."

"I will be there soon, so you better be ready, or I'm dragging you out of the house wearing only your unmentionables."

Bella flinched at Alice's words because she knew the threat was true. During their senior year of college, Alice tried to help Bella get over a terrible date and pulled her out of her dorm room, wearing only her bra and panties.

Alice arrived mere moments later, and the pair drove across town to Rock Paper Scissors, a hair salon that had been quite trendy in its day. Bella met with Alice's stylist, Michael. He swore Bella would be "simply fabu" when he was finished.

After two and a half painfully long hours, Bella was waxed, buffed, polished, and gum free. She'd never felt so exhausted in her entire life. She was relieved to no longer smell like Hubba-Bubba, but she was tired and really just wanted to climb in bed and forget the day.

"Thank you, Alice. I think I really needed that." Bella blushed as they walked out of the salon and got back into Alice's yellow Pontiac Fiero.

"Don't worry about anything," Alice squealed. "I have a very good feeling about things. I know something amazing will happen."

Bella wanted to ask what things Alice was speaking of, but she was too afraid to ask. Instead, she let the comment pass without question. As Alice drove toward Bella's apartment, she smiled happily while Bella's brow furrowed at the thought of how much her life was going to be turned upside down by whatever plan her friend had concocted.

The pair arrived twenty minutes later with their favorite take-out in hand from Chipotle. They sat down on the couch to eat, and Alice couldn't help but comment on the deliciousness of her dinner.

"Chipotle is so good, Bella. I bet it's the best authentic Mexican food out there. They don't know what they are missing in Mexico! Don't you think?" Alice mused.

After wolfing down half of her humongous burrito, complete with guacamole, sour cream, and extra beans, Alice began revealing her grand scheme to Bella, most of it, anyway.

"Okay, so here's the deal. Since you have amazing new hair and a matching mani-pedi, I thought you could go and get your picture taken." Bella's face showed her distaste for the idea.

"Now, before you get all whiney on me, I know you hate pictures of yourself, but I promise this will work."

Pictures of Bella never turned out well. It was as though a Bella Gremlin jumped in front of the camera lens at the last second. Bella couldn't recall one single photo of herself where she looked good…or even normal, for that matter.

"Alice, you keep saying 'this will work,' but you realize I have no idea what you're talking about, right?" Bella whined.

"Alright. After you get your picture taken, you're going to post it on an Internet dating site, Plenty of Fish dot com."

Bella's nose scrunched up in disgust at the mention of posting her picture on the internet and soliciting unknown men for dates. She had enough trouble agreeing to have photos taken in the first place, but to actually have strangers see them was unsettling.

Having a father in law enforcement, Bella heard all the tales of internet predators and the lengths they went through to get to unsuspecting girls and young women. It was for this reason that Bella wouldn't even open a Twitter account much less submit a profile for online dating!

"Don't make that face at me, young lady." Alice wagged her tiny, glitter painted finger in Bella's face. "You're twenty four years old. Don't you think it's about time you finally found someone and settled down?"

"I'm okay on my own. Besides, even if I did meet someone, who's to say that he won't turn out to be a total creepoid like the last guy?"

"The one with the purple Escort?" Alice clarified and then shivered as Bella confirmed he was one in the same.

"Because, Bella, I know this time will work. You have to have faith in me. Please?" Alice begged, pouted her lips, and batted her long lashes, currently caked in Avon's Scanda-Lash Hook Up mascara. If nothing else, Alice was a walking billboard for the products she peddled.

After a few more minutes of arguing, Bella finally acquiesced. Sometimes, Alice was more trouble than she was worth.

"Yay! This will be so fun, Bella. You won't regret it. I've already made the appointment for the photo shoot and everything."

Bella wondered when Alice could have possibly had time to book a photographer. But then she remembered Alice having to "step away" for a moment as they waited in the unbearably long line at Chipotle. Everyone else must love their burritos as much as I do, Bella thought.


	2. Chapter 2

**During the work, you have to be sure that you haven't left any holes, that you've captured everything, because afterwards it will be too late. ~Henri Cartier-Bresson**

Chapter 2

O_o

Bella had awoken Saturday morning feeling refreshed and ready for a new day. After grabbing a quick cup of coffee and a muffin, she raced out the door, hopping into Alice's Fiero before it sped away toward the mall for Bella's pre-photo- shoot shopping.

Since Alice insisted Bella didn't have anything in her closet worthy of a professional photography shoot, they had to buy something that morning. Again, Alice pleaded with Bella to "trust her," assuring her that things would "work out for the best." Bella's hopes weren't nearly as high as Alice's.

Bella thought shopping with Alice was a nightmare. Not only was Alice demanding and persistent, but Bella was a little scared of her intensity and lack of the social niceties often used by others while gracing a department store with their presence. It was reminiscent of men battling for the last chicken wing during Super Bowl Sunday.

Alice dragged Bella from store to store, taking what seemed to Bella like forever to look at nearly everything the mall had to offer.

"Alice, I think I need to eat something," Bella whimpered, feeling shaky and ill from low blood sugar. Her body wasn't used to chasing Alice around without adequate nutrition. "Are we finished shopping yet?"

"Yes, I think we are," Alice replied with a satisfied gleam in her eyes. "Let's duck into the bathroom so you can change." Just then, Alice's cell phone buzzed from within her purse. Jasper, Alice's husband, was calling and needed her to come home right away for a fabric emergency. He owned a lucrative tailoring business and needed Alice to pick up some satin and lace immediately. His current client was threatening to take his business elsewhere if Mr. Whitlock couldn't accommodate him. Alice apologized for having to bow out from lunch, but Bella was ever the forgiving friend, and she assured her it was not a big deal.

O_o

"Smile for the camera, Miss."

Edward sighed as the young woman in front of him blazed the camera with her best smile.

"I'm so excited to see how these pictures turn out for my engagement announcements," the redhead chattered. But Edward wasn't really interested in what the photos were for. He was there to do his job and nothing more. He took great care in never minding his clients.

"I think we're all done here. Your proofs will be ready to take with you today, and you can order the photos of your choosing from our website located at the bottom of your proofs. Thanks for trusting us with your memories. Have a great day." Edward's voice was colorless. He'd repeated these same lines so many times that they were now automatic, requiring no thought or feeling on his part.

"When is my next appointment, Jessica?" Edward grimaced as he made eye contact with the girl in front of him. He wished corporate would hire a receptionist who didn't own a Sidekick and chew gum with her mouth open...or so loudly.

Jessica looked up at Edward, annoyed that he'd interrupted her Facebook update. She rolled her eyes rather dramatically and sighed, telling him his next appointment was at two o'clock "or something."

Edward grumbled to himself about the uselessness of teenagers, but Jessica heard nothing over her obnoxiously loud gum-chewing. He glanced at his watch, disappointed to find that it was only noon. Only half-way through my day, Edward thought. He couldn't wait for the day to be over.

"I'm going to lunch, Jessica." The only reply he heard was the loud snap of Juicy-Fruit.

As he wandered about the mall, relieved that he had an extended lunch hour, Edward's eyes fell upon a window display. He paused briefly in front of the window of his favorite merchant, gazing thoughtfully at the display, but his contemplation didn't last long. He sighed and continued on to the food court, wistfully thinking of the items in the store and longing for someone for whom he could buy them.

As he leisurely finished his barely edible Philly cheese steak Stromboli from Sbarro, he was distracted by a commotion near the ordering counter. A woman was huddled on the floor, surrounded by food and cursing about her fallen lunch tray. Several spectators giggled and pointed, but none had the decency to stop and help. Deciding that he'd eaten all of the

Stromboli he could stomach, and that chivalry was in fact not dead, Edward strode over to the damsel in distress.

"Let me help you with that," he offered.

"No, thanks. I got it," the woman replied, not bothering to look up.

There was a slight part in the brown curtain of hair as she rose, and Edward caught a glimpse of what he considered to be a lovely young woman. Her petite features and pale skin were simply enchanting. But before he had a chance to offer any further assistance, the coffee haired beauty turned and ran toward the restrooms.

Edward gave his signature shrug and then retraced the same path by which he'd entered, right back toward his place of employment. As he passed by his favorite store a second time, he glanced at his watch, noting he still had plenty of time to kill before his next appointment. An empty bench waited just across the walkway from the store, inviting him to sit, and he decided to do a bit of gazing before returning to work.

The mannequin in the window wore a lovely lace bra and panty set, and he began to imagine it springing to life and rushing across the mall to leap into his arms. Only, in his imagination, the mannequin had flowing brown hair and dark eyes.

O_o

After Alice's hasty departure, Bella opted for lunch in the food court. She decided on A&W, as she'd not had a root beer float in ages, and their meaty franks were her favorite. She patiently waited in line for several minutes, but the longer she waited, the more light-headed and unsteady she felt. Finally, she ordered her food, and it wasn't a minute too soon.

Unfortunately, she had to wait even longer while her food was being prepared. She tried to be patient, observing what she considered to be a dumbass teenage kid getting her order together. With an eye roll Bella thought, No wonder it's taking so long. When she eventually got her tray, she thanked the worker and turned to look for a table.

Unfortunately, luck expired for Bella, and her low blood sugar finally got the best of her. When she picked up her tray and spun around, she stumbled as a dizzy haze filled her head. She lurched forward, barely catching herself, and entirely relieved she hadn't dropped her tray.

As Bella straightened herself out, she caught sight of the most gorgeous man sitting across the court, licking his long fingers as he ate his lunch, and she couldn't help but stare as she walked toward the grouping of tables. Suddenly, before Bella knew what was happening, she walked right into a trash can, and her tray was being hurled into the air.

Dishes and utensils clattered to the floor, sending food flying in every direction, including onto her new clothes. As her fellow diners snickered and stared, Bella slowly looked down at the food disaster. She immediately felt tears well up in her eyes, and her cheeks grew warm with an embarrassed blush. Her brand new outfit was completely ruined, and she didn't have time to replace any of the items before her appointment.

Bella bent down to clean up her mess and couldn't help but think how pathetic she must look to everyone else, completely disheveled, sitting on the floor, with food smeared all over the front of her shirt.

Then she heard a kind male voice offer to help her. She didn't want to look up and see the pity on the stranger's face, so she ran for the nearest bathroom and attempted to clean up some of the food before her photo shoot. Her outfit was a disaster, her blood sugar was still dangerously low, and she was humiliated. She did the best she could to clean up the mess and very luckily remembered a granola bar that was in her purse, but that did little to relieve the embarrassment. Moments later, she was locked safely behind the door of a stall, sitting and eating her granola bar, and sobbing her eyes out.

O_o

Sitting behind the front desk while texting her latest crush, Jessica heard the loud ping signaling a new customer's arrival. She lazily looked up and chuckled to herself as she watched the one thirty appointment walk in. Her thoughts trailed around words like loser and train wreck.

After signing Bella in, Jessica handed over a folder containing all the paperwork she needed to go through. When all the necessary information was provided, Bella asked Jessica if there was a place she would be able to change prior to the shoot, explaining her earlier mustard mishap with an embarrassed smile. Jessica scoffed as she looked Bella up and down with a disgusted look, but she escorted her to one of the make-up rooms and told her the stylist would be with her shortly.

"Magnificent!" A high-pitched masculine voice caught Bella's attention. She looked up in the mirror to see her exuberant stylist. His outfit could only be described as ostentatious. From his bejeweled fuchsia shirt right down to the heeled boots he wore, at that moment he had Liberace turning over in his grave.

"You. Are. Precious!" he exclaimed as he walked closer to her chair, placing just his fingertips on her shoulders. "I'm Jake, and I'll be doing your hair and make-up today."

The thought brought chills to Bella. While she didn't know much about fashion, hair, or make-up, she knew this man was

completely out of style, even for a drag queen.

"Let's make you beautiful!"

Not likely, Bella thought, but rather than argue aloud, she sighed and reluctantly leaned back in her chair, allowing Jake, her stylist, to take over.

After a short time, Jake managed to paint on a face that Bella didn't even recognize. He used simple and understated colors to bring out her subtle, natural beauty. As Bella looked at her reflection she began to hope that she actually might end up looking respectable in these pictures - until she saw her hair. Any and all hope of appearing half-way presentable had gone out the window. The expression "taking it to new heights" flashed in Bella's mind as she regarded her hair style.

"All right then, gorgeous!" Jake interrupted Bella's gaping. "You look marvelous, if I do say so myself. Now, let's get you out of those dreadful clothes so we can finish your makeover."

Jake pulled Bella out of the chair and whisked her into the back of the studio. Bella didn't even have a chance to argue that she hated her hair and wanted it changed. She was beginning to feel like a lab rat in an experiment gone terribly awry.

Bella was throwing mental daggers at Jake for his rendition of Hair Spray, which was currently residing on her head, but she resigned herself to staying quiet and bottled up her aggression for another day. As Bella looked around the studio at all the outfits and wraps at her disposal, she couldn't help but contemplate what she'd gotten herself into.

Trying to channel all the Alice moxie she could muster, Bella finally settled on a floral print wrap in place of her condiment covered blouse. Jake assured her it was a wonderful choice and left her to change on her own. Bella was so furiously fuming internally at her hair misfortune that she didn't even notice when Jake left the changing room door slightly ajar.

O_o

The scowl on Jessica's face told Edward he was in trouble when he walked back into the studio.

"Where have you been, Edward?" Jessica sneered before popping her gum.

"At lunch, Jessica," Edward responded in an equally snide manner. Hoping their conversation was over, Edward began to walk away.

"Thank goodness I was here to greet your 1:30 appointment!" Jessica called after him.

Edward cursed himself, realizing he should have never relied on Jessica for accurate information. He made his way to the back of the studio to meet the client, since he failed to appear for introductions when she arrived. Little did he know he was about to get the surprise of the century.

"EEEEEEEEKKKKKKK"

Edward stood dumbfounded, starring at the woman in front of him. She was naked from the waist up.

Why is she naked? Edward wondered. At hearing the scream, Jessica came leisurely strolling to the back, where she spied a very surprised Edward and a very humiliated client.

"Oops, sorry, I forgot to tell you she was back here changing. Mustard or something…" Jessica said as her voice drifted off, and her attention went back to the phone in her hands.

Edward was unabashedly starring at the young woman in front of him. He instantly recognized her from the food court. He would know that brown hair and pale skin anywhere.

"Get out!" she shouted.

Edward abruptly turned around and walked back to the photography area, stunned into silence. He had just met the girl of his dreams, and the Gods sent her here naked! Suddenly, Edward realized this was the best day ever.

"Jessica, the client in back… is she here for a wedding shoot?"

"Uh… not likely." Jessica's tone indicated she didn't believe male companionship was an option for the lovely woman standing naked in the back of Edward's studio.

Edward was embarrassed. Aroused, but embarrassed. He sat in his captains' chair, thinking of ways to ease the tension. He had, after all, just seen his client topless.

After only a few moments, the lovely woman appeared in front of him. She stared at the ground, afraid to look into her voyeur's eyes. Edward thought it best to ease the tension the old fashioned way.

"Hi, um…I'm Edward. Welcome to Glamour Shots." His hand shot out in an attempt to shake the young woman's hand, but the gesture went unreturned. Edward was determined not to give up.

"So what brings you in for photos today?" Edward held his breath, hoping it wasn't for a surprise gift for a boyfriend or engagement photos, despite Jessica's commentary to the contrary.

"Bella."

Edward was a bit confused, and rightfully so.

"Excuse me?" Edward replied, hoping he could get more information.

"Sorry," came a timid reply. "My name is Bella. And the photos are for…" She hesitated, not knowing if she was comfortable divulging the reason behind her photos. Edward could sense her discomfort and wanted desperately to take it away.

"It's okay. So what kind of poses were you thinking?"

"I'm not sure. What would you recommend?"

Edward was stumped. It would be difficult to tell her the best positions without knowledge of her purpose. "I don't mean to pry, but perhaps if you give me some idea what they are for, I can help."

Bella was already mortified by the day's events, and she didn't want to risk further exposure by admitting she was about to prostitute herself out for dates on the internet. Then again, the whole day had been a complete joke. Why stop now?

"They are for an internet dating site." Bella went on to explain to the photographer Alice's plan for a "whole new Bella" transformation.

While Edward was relieved that Bella wasn't getting photographs taken for a certain mister, he was dismayed she was getting them taken for potential suitors. He couldn't deny the question screaming in his head. Why would the lovely young Bella need to turn to the internet for a date? She's wonderful! Doesn't she know the internet is full of pornography predators and jobless miscreants?

As Edward looked at the divine creature in front of him, a plan began to form. He would ask the charming Miss Bella for a date, saving her from the clutches of the crazed sex fiends often found prowling the World Wide Web.

He hastily snapped photo after photo of Bella. When he finished, he scrolled through his work, pleased with himself. He'd managed to capture her snarling, cringing, wincing or frowning in just about every shot. He happily selected Bella's worst poses and printed them off on the contact sheet, slipping them in their protective sleeve.

"Here you are. You really are an interesting subject to photograph." Edward said while handing over the proofs he'd just packaged. Bella opened the portfolio just as Edward said this and immediately fought her tears.

Bella Gremlin strikes again. He'd said she was interesting, but all Bella saw was picture after picture of horrid faces starring back at her. It was official, she was cursed.

"Shit."

Bella plopped down on the floor, defeated from the day. She was so distraught she hadn't realized that her left breast was now popping out of the top of her wrap. She was unknowingly paying homage to the great Nipplegate of '04.

"Miss? Umm, Bella…" Edward was unsure on how to proceed. He'd already seen her semi-naked, and her exposed breast was doing nothing to help the monster in his pants.

Jessica looked up from the reception desk, disturbed by the loud cries emanating from the floor, while Jake dashed to her aid screeching about mascara.

The only thing Edward thought to do was shield Bella with his own body. He hugged her close until her sobbing ceased, then delicately motioned at her wardrobe malfunction.

It was then, and only then Bella realized her day of degradation was not yet complete. Not only had she flashed the super-hot photographer… twice, but Alice had left. With the car. Bella was stranded.

Edward and Jake had managed to get Bella to the back of the studio to change. She was now sitting in her mustard stained clothing, dialing Alice's number to no avail. It was going straight to voicemail.

"Frack my life," Bella feebly cursed as Edward walked in with a paper cup full of hot tea. He offered it to his new favorite maiden.

"Everything okay?" Edward questioned Bella, noting the disgusted look on her face.

"No! I don't have a ride home. My friend brought me, but had to leave for an emergency. Now I can't get a hold of her." Gasping cries tormented Bella once again.

Without a second thought, Edward reacted. "I can take you home."

Bella's head snapped up, her eyes meeting Edward's gaze. She had to admit that the prospect of the handsome gentleman taking her home was flattering. Edward had been so kind to Bella that afternoon, despite her emotional outbursts. She cringed at the thought of how she'd yelled at him for walking in on her while dressing.

"Really? I wouldn't want to inconvenience you." Bella wondered whether he felt pity or proclivity at the moment.

Edward didn't waste a second before his answer. "No, of course not. It would be my pleasure."

O_o

After cancelling his last appointment for the day, Edward walked the seductive Miss Swan to his car. He was gliding on a plane of air, giddy with the prospect of spending more time with Bella.

"Mademoiselle…" Edward opened the passenger door and gave a short bow. He was gallant after all. No one would mistake him for a rube, particularly where Bella was concerned.

Bella sat in the passenger seat, holding tightly to the door handle as they sped toward her apartment. A seatbelt would have made her feel more comfortable, but being an older model car, it was not equipped. She suddenly wished she had her bike helmet with her, in case of a crash.

Edward zipped along the road happily, humming to himself as he thought about the circumstance in which he would ask for Bella's phone number. He could just look in her photo file, but that seemed a bit stalker-ish and unprofessional. And Edward Cullen was a professional.

Bella, could I have your number so I could call you sometime? Edward chanted the mantra in his head, convinced he would ask when he pulled in front of Bella's building.

"Take the next left," Bella directed. Their ride was coming to an end, and Edward hadn't said a word to her since they left the underground parking garage of the mall. Bella was sure Edward had been interested in her as more than just a frightful face in front of the camera. But, as he pulled in front of her building, not having uttered a word, her hope that Edward would want to ever see her again slipped away.

"Okay, thanks. Bye!" Bella practically shouted as she vaulted from the car.

Edward was left reeling, not given the opportunity to say the words he'd so carefully practiced on the seven minute drive, made slightly longer due to stop lights, of course. He slumped against the seat, carefully held together by duct tape, wholly defeated.

As Edward drove back to his own home, he couldn't expel the thoughts that had plagued him for most of the afternoon. He wondered what had made Bella purge herself from the car as if she was being exorcised. As he trudged up the stairs to his door, he came to the only conclusion that made any sense. He was a loser creep who invaded women's privacy.

Readying himself for bed in only his boxer shorts and a white tee, Edward heaved a sigh and climbed under the knitted afghan his mother made to cover his bed. He drifted off to sleep to Ani DiFranco's Grey, knowing he would never have a need for anything larger than a double size bed.

O_o


	3. Chapter 3

**While there is perhaps a province in which the photograph can tell us nothing more than what we see with our own eyes, there is another in which it proves to us how little our eyes permit us to see. ~Dorothea Lange**

Chapter 3:

Alice sat across from Bella, tapping her foot on the ground. "Just let me see them, Bella," she demanded, holding her hand out and looking pointedly at the picture proofs Bella was holding.

"No. They are truly awful, Alice. I should never have let you talk me into this. It was stupid, and I should have told you NO." Bella was tired of being told what to do. She was a grown woman who was able to think for herself. It was just an unhappy coincidence that when she listened to everyone else, bad things happened.

Alice, being small but fast, lunged across the table, snatching the folder from Bella's hand. "Ha-HA!" she shouted victoriously. The smug grin immediately slid from her face, though, when her eyes fell upon the digital images below. She quickly did an impersonation of a large fish trying to breathe out of water. "Bella! These are horrible."

Bella couldn't think of a mature reply, so instead she said the first thing that came to her mind. "Duh!"

"No! I mean these are truly awful. Was the photographer drunk?"

"No, Alice, he was not. As a matter of fact he was quite kind. He made sure I got home safely after the horrible afternoon I endured yesterday." Bella quickly recounted all her mishaps, from the food spillage to her boob spillage and everything in between. She made sure to put extra emphasis on her flamboyantly gay hair-dresser.

"Why didn't you call me to come get you? Alice asked, looking shocked and overwhelmed by the onslaught of information she'd just received. "I never would have let you leave there with these." Alice pointed to the photographs, now cast on the table as if laced with uranium.

"I did. Several times," Bella replied. "You didn't answer." Bella was a little upset with her friend. Alice had not only left Bella stranded, but now she had the gall to complain about the way she had chosen to deal with the situation.

What Bella was not aware of was that Alice had not been indisposed due to a "fabric emergency." The only emergency going on in the Whitlock household when Alice arrived yesterday was the five alarm fire happening in Jasper's pants. Alice momentarily felt guilty for leaving her friend in favor of an afternoon rendezvous. But as she remembered the magnificent missionary sex she and her husband had, she emotionally moved on… rather quickly.

"Don't blame me, Bella Swan. You saw how terrible these pictures were before you ever left that store, and yet you willingly left without a word." Alice was right. It was indeed time for Bella to start standing up for herself. She was tired of being bossed around by her best friend. Bella had a lifetime of sitting back and waiting, letting everyone else have their way.

"You know what Alice? You've never been more right about anything before. I think our lunch date is over. I will call you when I'm ready to talk to you again."

With that, Bella was out of her seat, leaving the coffee shop. Alice was left, once again, doing her impersonation of a fish.

Bella rolled her eyes as she stood, patiently waiting for the receptionist to acknowledge her. After a few moments had passed, Bella's patience was used up.

"Jessica, is it?" Bella asked, motioning to the girl's nametag. Jessica looked up from her phone, obviously annoyed with the interruption presented by the customer in front of her.

"Do you have an appointment?" Jessica questioned, despite the fact she already knew the answer. There were no appointments scheduled for that afternoon.

"No, and I don't plan on scheduling one." Bella was proud of her new found tenacity. She had even put Eric in time-out multiple times that morning, despite her personal rule against "punishment." He had it coming.

Bella shoved her photo proofs and a sheet of paper at Jessica. The paper was an information sheet Bella was provided before her session on Saturday. It detailed Glamour Shot's policy on picture retakes:

At Glamour Shots we are not happy unless you are happy! We will gladly re-take your portraits without a session fee or exchange poses for a nominal fee within 14 days after you receive your portraits. Of course, the art work we create is considered a custom product which cannot be re-sold. Due to the nature of our product, all sales are final.

We have one goal. To provide you with photographs you'll be proud to share with your loved ones and friends. Together, we can put an end to ugly photos – and help make the world a much more glamorous place.*

Bella paused while Jessica looked over the pictures and information sheet. She couldn't help but snort in laughter as she took in Bella's proofs.

"These are terrible." Jessica indicated, adding insult to injury. But this time, Bella was better armed with a response besides the childish, "Duh!"

"Yes, they are. I want them re-done."

Jessica rolled her eyes at Bella one more time before glancing down at the appointment book.

"Gosh! It looks like we can't get you in until next Friday," Jessica replied with a snide tone.

Bella leaned forward, careful not to give herself away. Jessica had made two mistakes. One, she hadn't bargained on the fact that Bella was leaning over the counter enough to see the rather empty looking appointment schedule. Two, the schedule was only for a week at a time. Jessica hadn't turned any pages to seek dates for another week, let alone to know there wasn't an opening until next Friday.

"No, I'm ready for a re-shoot now. I think if you look again, you'll see that no one is scheduled," Bella advised as she motioned to the appointment book. Bella had also decided to call Glamour Shots corporate headquarters and complain about the uncongenial Jessica and her distinct lack of customer service skills.

"EDWARD," came a shrill cry. Jessica shouted loud enough for all the ladies in Sears, at the other end of the mall, to hear.

Edward came dashing to the front, a napkin still tucked into the front of his shirt. He'd obviously been torn away from his lunch. His eyes quickly scanned the front, his gaze stopping on the lovely Miss Swan. He was extraordinarily happy to see her, but it appeared the feeling was not mutual.

"Is everything alright?" Edward asked to no one in particular, but hoped Bella would answer.

Jessica opened her mouth to explain the situation, but Bella was quick to cut her off. She was on a roll and refused to stop now.

"I want my pictures re-done. The ones I left here with on Saturday were substandard." Edward was simultaneously frightened and aroused at Bella's formal tone. He wondered if she was a teacher or a librarian, and if she had small spectacles that she would peek over the top of when she berated him.

"Of…c-course…" Edward stuttered. He quickly grabbed the napkin that still dangled from his collar, hastily wiping his mouth.

"Give me just a moment. Please." Edward disappeared into the back. A few moments later, Bella heard a squeal and a flash of lime green appeared in front of her.

"Precious!" Jake yelled. Bella wondered if everyone had gone deaf at Glamour Shots. Jake immediately began ruffling Bella's hair with his fingers.

"Let's do the same thing we did last time. It looked fantastic on you-" but Bella cut the stylist off before he could continue any further.

"No." It was becoming Bella's new favorite word.

Bella took in Jake's forlorn reflection in the mirror in front of her. "On Saturday, you made me look like a drag queen from Atlantic City." Although, Bella was actually guessing, since she had never actually met a drag queen or been to Atlantic City, the sentiment was understood, just the same.

"Oh," was Jake's simple reply. It was evident Bella had hurt his feelings. In her zealous attempt to get what she wanted, she had managed to hurt someone else. She felt terrible for doing so. She was no better than Alice at that moment.

Bella's hand went to her head, where Jake's hands still played in her hair. She touched him, stilling his nervous bustling. "I'm sorry." Bella said, locking eyes in the mirror with the suddenly silent and sullied stylist.

"No, you're right, Precious. You looked silly. I think we should do something a little simpler. Maybe flat-iron your hair and bring out the natural layers around your face?" It was a question. Jake didn't want to assume what Bella wanted, so he wanted verification that his plan was amiable to his client.

"That sounds great. Thank you," Bella agreed.

The next thirty minutes flew by as Jake's hands were a flurry of combs and curling irons, hairspray and hair pins. He quickly applied her make-up, making sure to note, out loud, that Bella was naturally pretty and didn't need a lot of "goop on

her face."

"I think you are my masterpiece…" Jake voiced softly as he turned Bella to face the mirror. She was…beautiful.

"Oh, Jake…" Bella began, but she couldn't finish, not wanting to sacrifice her newly applied mascara.

Just then, Edward came around the corner, and a gasp fell from his lips. He was, once again, besotted with the truly beautiful woman before him.

"I hope these work out better for you than the last set." Edward wasn't ready to let Bella go yet and tried to stall using idle conversation. He had finished with the shoot, but he knew their time together was coming to a close. Edward had taken some of his best photographs this time, deciding not to sabotage anymore pictures of Bella. It was an injustice, Edward thought, to waste such splendor. Edward could admittedly be a bit dramatic.

Bella looked over the proofs with a blissful smile on her face. I'm really pretty, she thought as her fingers traced the lines of her face in the photo. She'd made the decision to order a few prints to send to her mother and father. She'd never taken such wonderful portraits before, and she hoped these would be the photos next to her casket at her funeral. Bella thought she had died and gone to heaven.

"Miss Swan?" Edward's raspy voice brought her from her funeral musings. "I was hoping…Um, I don't really ask, usually… but-"

Oh God, this is it. He's going to ask me out. This is the best day EVER! Bella thought.

"-it's some of my best work, and I…um, was hoping it would be okay."

Bella didn't waste a second on her answer. "Yes!" She nearly shouted.

"Oh! Good. Well, can I get your number and stuff? There is a waiver and…"

Bella really wished she'd been paying attention to everything Edward had said. Why on earth would she need a waiver for a date? Maybe he was one of those men Bella's father had warned her about.

"Edward? Why on earth would I need a waiver for a date?"

Now it was Edward's turn to be perplexed. He had only asked Bella to use her portrait in his personal portfolio…

Both parties showed confusion on their faces, but Bella was the one to break first. She hadn't been paying attention to what Edward had said. He asked if he could use her picture in his portfolio. He probably wanted to do one of those before and after comparisons. And Bella had thought he wanted a date. She felt like the biggest idiot on the planet.

Realizing she was about to look like a sad clown with make-up running all over her face from her embarrassed tears, Bella ran out of the store, out of the mall, and out of Edward's life…so she'd hoped.

What Bella hadn't realized was that she'd left her credit Jessica with her credit card and Edward with a broken heart.

* * *

* This is actually Glamour Shots policy. No copyright infringement intended.


	4. Chapter 4

**Actually, I'm not all that interested in the subject of photography. Once the picture is in the box, I'm not all that interested in what happens next. Hunters, after all, aren't cooks. ~Henri Cartier-Bresson**

Chapter 4:

Stupid, stupid, STUPID! Bella berated herself over and over again as she peddled home. She was tired and battered, and she wanted nothing more than to get home, curl up in her bed, and hide under the covers.

Really, Bella? Why on earth would a successful man like Edward ask you on a date? You're an idiot, Bella's conscience shouted.

Bella was pleased with herself for standing up and demanding she have the pictures retakes. She was extraordinarily delighted she'd gotten the best photographs of her life by doing so. But it all seemed to be overshadowed at the moment. Bella wasn't able to share her small, yet meaningful victory with her best friend, mainly due to the fact she'd acted like a petulant child the previous day.

Bella also wanted to share her small defeat and incredibly embarrassing moment with Alice. Her best friend always knew what to say to cheer her up. This gave Bella some reflection. This was the reason she loved Alice. She overlooked her bossy nature, because, at the end of the day, Alice loved Bella and wanted her to be happy and healthy.

The Schwinn bicycle moved just a little bit faster as Bella realized she needed to get home and call Alice. She had an apology to make, forgiveness to beg for, and she was in a hurry to do so. Bella had her cell phone with her, but everyone knew peddling and talking on a cell phone was a recipe for disaster. And don't get Bella started on texting while cycling. She had a soapbox she carried around in her satchel for that topic!

In her haste to get home, Bella started cursing her beloved bike. If I had a car, I'd be home by now! Bella thought about her physical fitness. It could easily be attributed to said bike, but she was an adult, and adults had cars.

Her bicycle was just another example of someone else telling Bella what was best for her. Bella thought back to the moment she first asked for a car.

"Mom, Dad. I'm sixteen and have my driver's license. All the kids at school have cars. I really think I would like to get one." Bella thought her argument, or lack thereof was extremely mature.

"No, Isabella. You have no need for a car. You don't need to do what everyone else is doing. Lemmings only find trouble with the side of a cliff." Bella's father had stated.

When Bella's father made a declaration, it was final. There would be no car. Bella, again, brought up the subject of a car when she left for the University and once again, Bella was denied, being told that cycling was a good way to keep physically fit. It would also keep her away from temptations such as drunk driving and giving rides to strangers.

O_o

"Alice, its Bella." She sounded hesitant and maybe a bit reluctant.

"I know who it is, Bella. It's only been one day since I was so rudely spoken to by you."

"I know, and I'm sorry. Please hear me out, Ali. I just feel like everyone tries to make decisions for me, and it was kind of the last straw. I should have been mature and told you what I was feeling, rather than throw a temper tantrum like a toddler. Forgive me?"

"You hurt my feelings, Bella." Bella knew Alice would milk her act of contrition. Alice was dramatic, but as Bella had remembered on her way home, Alice was her best friend and never wished Bella anything but good will.

"How can I make it up to you?"

Alice drove a hard bargain, but eventually settled her demands. And, just like that, Bella and Alice were old friends again. Bella regaled Alice with her tales of self-empowerment. After Alice had congratulated Bella and given a half-hearted apology for being so pushy, Bella continued her tale, including her embarrassing mishap with the handsome photographer.

"Maybe he's gay," Alice suggested. It was a possibility Bella hadn't considered, but it definitely made sense.

Not willing to dwell on someone who either couldn't or wouldn't be interested in her, Bella changed the subject.

"So, you really think I should put up an ad on an internet dating site?" Bella still wasn't sure it was a good idea, but she had just spent a pretty penny for photos, and she wasn't having luck with finding a date on the street. After all, what did she have to lose?

Bella quickly ended her conversation with Alice with a promise to buy her dinner the following evening. She didn't waste any time logging on to her computer and getting started. Bella was ready to find a mate, ready to be a fish in that sea, and she was going to let her heart lead the way. She couldn't help but be a hopeless romantic, and she certainly didn't want to wait around to get started.

After filling out all requisite questions for her profile, she hovered over the "add a photo" feature. She wasn't sure how she was going to get her fabulous new photographed face to the screen. After thinking for a few moments, she took out her cell phone and snapped a picture of the proofs that lay before her. She knew it wasn't the best quality, but Bella felt it was her only option at the moment.

After sending the picture to her email and uploading it to her newly created dating profile, she hit "Publish," and sat back with a great feeling of satisfaction. She sat for a few minutes, waiting. What she was waiting for, Bella wasn't sure. Perhaps she expected to hear the sound a slot machine makes when it pays out its winnings. She was foolish to think she would get hits immediately.

To put her mind at ease, Bella decided to fix a small dinner and catch up on Food network. There were several episodes of "Cupcake Wars" saved up on her DVR, just beckoning to be watched. Four hours and four episodes later, Bella was sound asleep on her couch, dreaming of deliciously decorated cupcakes.

O_o

Edward groaned and rolled over, hitting a wall. It took him a moment to orient himself and discover he was not in his own bed. He didn't immediately recognize any of his surroundings and panic took him over. He glanced down, noticing he was clad only in his boxers and black socks. He also noticed he had a rather uncontrollable bulge in his shorts.

Where the hell am I, and what have I done? Edward thought. His attention was suddenly diverted when he heard the off key falsetto coming from the bathroom, accompanied by a symphony of water sounds from the shower.

"I'm every woman It's all in me I can read your thoughts right now Every woman, whoever made ya say... Whoa, whoa, whoa"

Panic and terror struck Edward as he scrambled to remember the night before. He remembered being heartbroken when Miss Isabella Swan walked away from him for the second time. He remembered his co-worker Jake taking pity on him and asking him to drown his sorrows at the local bar. He remembered drinking heavily with Jake, dancing and…Oh, goodness… Edward's head shot up toward the bathroom door and the sound emanating from behind it.

Edward hastened to the closet to confirm his fears. He flicked on the light, the horror confirmed, as his eyes met with a sea of neon and pastel colored clothing.

He had gone home with Jake. Edward guessed from his lack of dress, the disheveled bed he'd awoken in and the jubilant gay in the shower, that he'd had a homoerotic experience. He shivered at the thought, thankful he couldn't remember the details. If I don't remember, it didn't happen, Edward told himself.

"Mornin' sleepy head!" Jake was now standing in the bathroom doorway. He had a towel wrapped around his head like a turban, and another one wrapped around his chest much like a lady would wear. Edward was relieved that Jake had taken to covering as much of his naked form as possible. That was until his eyes glanced lower and noticed that Jake was peeking out of the bottom of his towel. Jake was tall and the towel was short.

"AHEM!" Jake cleared his throat. "Eyes up here, big boy." Edward couldn't have been anymore embarrassed if he tried. This had to be the low point of his life. Edward thought it was a bit hypocritical of Jake to call him out on wandering eyes. Jake's were doing a bit of drifting themselves, but Edward wasn't about to comment.

"S…sorry," Edward stuttered, wringing his hands in front of his crotch to prevent Jake's wandering eyes from further purveyance of Edward's still semi-erect cock.

"What happened last night?" Edward's face was full of trepidation as he questioned his rather herculean co-worker. Edward had never taken notice of Jake's rather well formed physic before. Oh, God…maybe I am gay!

Jake took in the anxious, half naked man in front of him and burst in to laughter. "Relax, Edward. Nothing happened between you and me. First, and foremost, you are not my type. I like them big and sexy like that deity over at McCarty's Pretzels." Edward wondered if he was supposed to be relieved or gracious. "Second, you are not gay. Not even a little bit…and you love that Bella girl who's been frequenting our neck of the woods lately." Edward was relieved…definitely relieved.

"And lastly, you were stone, stinkin' drunk last night! You passed out at the bar. I didn't think you had any business going home alone in your state, so I brought you here. The only thing you cuddled with last night, my friend, was my porcelain toilet bowl.

O_o

Edward had never been a big drinker, and now he remembered, with perfect clarity, why. His head was pounding, his stomach queasy, and no amount of caffeine was going to save him. Luckily, there were no appointments scheduled for the day, so Edward did something he hadn't done in three years. He called in sick.

After a shower, two bottles of water, and a nap, Edward felt almost human again. He sat down at his computer and checked his email. He had one message, and it was from his mother. He suddenly felt sad and pathetic all over again. He thought back to Bella. She is so pretty, Edward thought. To good for the likes of a loser like me!

Then he remembered something she'd said in her first photo shoot. She was having her portraits taken to post on an internet dating site. Edward thought perhaps he should give it a try. He chuckled to himself at the prospect of meeting Bella online. Then a thought dawned on him. He WOULD meet Bella online. He would scour the internet dating world until he found her. I won't rest until I find her, and then I will make her mine! Edward said to himself.

Without delay, Edward set out on the web, searching for the radiant Miss Swan. He couldn't believe his luck when, an hour later, he stumbled on to her profile on Plenty of fish dot com. He was excited and nervous, but as he looked at her fuzzy profile portrait, he became angered. Edward had taken fine photographs of Bella. But this was a marred, hazy photo of his work, snapped with a cell phone. On-lookers couldn't see Bella's refined, delicate features in this picture, and Edward wanted it to disappear immediately.

He faunched and fumed, trying to decide what to do about the enormous atrocity being broadcast in front of him. He wanted nothing more than to march over to Bella's house and demand she take down the photo. She was too alluring to be portrayed in anything less than perfection. That included a digital picture on an internet dating site.

Then, Edward remembered Bella had left her credit card at the store. He quickly called Jessica to see if it had been retrieved. When she indicated it had not, Edward put a plan in motion. He quickly stopped by the mall to grab the card under the guise of returning it to the owner. If Jessica were a quality employee, she would have found it unethical and deceitful when Edward removed the card from safe keeping. But, since she wasn't, she didn't.

Edward sped across town, as quickly as his dilapidated car could carry him, to Bella's front door. He knocked ardently with a persistent pace. After only a few impatient moments, he heard grumbling from the other side of the wooden barrier.

The door swung open, and there stood a disheveled and angry looking Bella. Her expression quickly went from irritation to chagrin.

Edward wanted to dispense with the formalities. He had things to say, and he needed to say them quickly, before he lost his nerve.

"Bella Swan, I'm here to return your debit card to you. You left the store rather abruptly yesterday, before Jessica had a chance to complete your purchases. She didn't run the card through because you were unavailable to sign the receipt. This leads me to my next point of contention. You, Ma'am, do not currently own any photographs I have taken of you, since you have not purchased any of them. The photo you have posted on your dating profile is currently in violation of the Glamour Shots copyright infringement policy."

Bella stood, gaping, much like Alice had only a few days ago.

"I am also here to notify you that I am suing you."


	5. Chapter 5

**The creative act lasts but a brief moment, a lightning instant of give-and-take, just long enough for you to level the camera and to trap the fleeting prey in your little box. ~Henri Cartier-Bresson**

Chapter 5:

One thing Edward had never been called in his life was suave. Words used to describe him would have been odd, awkward, unsophisticated and dull. Edward mostly kept to himself, never engaging in the mundane activities that most of his peers partook in. For this reason, his social skills were a bit lacking.

For instance, most men interested in pursuing a woman wouldn't dream of threatening them with a lawsuit. But Edward didn't have the aptitude most men had with women, and therefore, he did exactly that.

As he drove to Bella's house, Edward thought of the many ways the meeting could go. Unbeknownst to him, there was only one way it could really turn out: disastrous!

He stormed to her door, knocking persistently, and according to Bella's neighbor, annoyingly. Edward let his demands be known. While he thought Miss Swan was a gorgeous creature, he couldn't stand by and let her blatantly break the law. She had reproduced a photograph that didn't belong to her, thereby violating Glamour Shots copyright policies.

Edward was a law abiding citizen and a rule follower. He stopped at yellow lights when driving. He always used the crosswalk at the corner and never left rubbish anywhere but in a trash can (including gum).

The most infuriating part about the whole situation, however, was that Bella would post such an unsatisfactory photograph. Edward was proud of his work and had already castigated himself many times over for the initial photos he had taken. They were a disgrace to Miss Swan and to his profession.

But Edward had atoned for his digressions. He'd retaken the pictures, and it was the best work of his life. Miss Swan was tremendously pleased, and thus he'd let himself repent.

Now, Edward stood before Bella once again. He had said his piece. He was honest and forthright, two qualities in which he prided himself. The look on the woman's face in front of him, though, was telling him she did not value the same virtues.

O_o

Bella was having difficulty comprehending what was happening in front of her. Edward had just informed her he was suing her. Bella never made a habit of cursing. There were many ways to express one's self, and Bella chose to do it with less colorful language than most.

What the fuck? Bella thought. She wanted to say it out loud, but the word seemed too vulgar. She settled for another four letter word instead.

"What the hell, Edward?" Bella's posture straightened and her hand flew to her hip. She had never been so brazen!

"What on earth could you be suing me for?" Bella asked to the suddenly dumbfounded Edward.

Edward had picked the wrong time to lambast Bella. She'd been knocking over obstacles left and right since her squabble with Alice. She was, indeed, enjoying her newfound fortitude. Yes, she wanted Edward to ask her on a date, but she was not about to stand in front of him and let him verbally assault her. No, she would let him know whose roost he was in at the moment.

Bella began tapping her foot in annoyance. "Well?"

"I…well…you…" Edward suddenly couldn't find his words.

"I'm waiting and I don't have all night!" Bella huffed.

Edward was so nervous he couldn't collect his wits. He was sweating and trembling. He couldn't believe how he'd just spoken to the woman of his dreams. And because Edward had a habit of saying inappropriate things when he was nervous he blurted out the last thing he wanted Bella to hear…

"I think I'm gay!"

O_o

After his extremely open and honest declaration, Bella felt bad for Edward. Here she was, throwing herself at an obviously unavailable man; Alice had been right. The forlorn looking Edward was ushered into Bella's apartment, where she hovered around him like a mother hen.

It must have taken Edward so much courage to come out of the closet to Bella like he had. 2010 was a year in which those with alternative lifestyles could be proud of who they were and cheer it from the roof tops should they choose.

"I think I may need a drink," Edward hinted to Bella.

"Oh, yes, of course. I have water, milk, and maybe some ice tea…" Bella trailed off as she entered the kitchen.

"I think I may need something a bit stronger if you have it," Edward called after her in a slightly raised voice.

Bella didn't keep alcohol in the house and was sheepish in her reply. "Oh, I'm so sorry Edward, but I don't keep liquor in my home. My father always told me it was the indulgence of the devil."

After the night he'd previously had, Edward was inclined to agree with the astute Mr. Swan. "No, no. I was actually hinting at coffee. After last night, I don't think I will be drinking again for a lifetime."

Bella's ears perked up at the mention of the night before. While she knew Edward was not available romantically to her, her heart sank a bit anyway. She wondered who'd been lucky enough to share an evening with such a charming and handsome man. You know what they say, all the good ones are either married or gay, Bella thought to herself.

"Did you go to a hot club in town? Big date night out?" Bella wondered aloud.

"Well, um…" Edward rubbed the back of his neck, still in disbelief at his earlier declaration. He hadn't explored what happened with Jacob yet. Now, he was telling a woman he desperately wanted to be intimate with that he thought himself to be gay, despite what Jake had told him that morning. It didn't get much worse than this in Edward's eyes.

"Look, I've taken up enough of your time. I'm sorry I barged in on you this evening. It was particularly rude of me to show up at your home unannounced, only to declare a lawsuit." Edward stood and made a move toward the front door.

"I'm not going to sue you, but please take down the photograph on your dating profile." He was going to mention all the ways that it served as an injustice, not only to the copyright laws of Glamour Shots, but also to Bella's beauty.

Bella wanted to shout for him to stop and wait. Instead, a curious thought came out instead.

"How did you find my picture and profile, Edward?" As the words came out of her mouth, Bella realized how absurd it was for Edward to appear at her door no more than two hours after posting her profile. While she remembered telling him she was going to use the photos for an internet dating site, she hadn't mentioned which one. It was rather peculiar that Edward was standing in her living room now.

"Edward? Were you…looking for me?"

He'd been apprehended! Bella knew he was looking for her online in a dating site. Would she think he was a stalker?

Oh, dear Lord! I can't catch a break with this woman.

"I…um…Wow, there really is no good explanation for this is there?" Edward swallowed hard, awaiting the wrath of his heterosexual crush.

"Let's try the truth," Bella said using her best teacher voice. She motioned for Edward to sit back down on the sofa.

Edward was most grateful too, for he knew this was going to be a long story.

After he'd made himself comfortable, he began. "Well, you see…" Edward launched into his tale of mishap and miscalculation.

"After you left the store yesterday, I was upset. I'd embarrassed you terribly, and I felt absolutely horrible about it. Jake, the guy who does hair and make-up…" Bella nodded to let him know she knew to whom he was referring.

"He asked me to go get a drink. It was innocent and meant to be friendly. He could see I was in a bad mood and wanted to help me relax, I suppose.

"Well, unfortunately I had more than one drink. Apparently, I imbibed enough alcohol to pass out. I woke this morning, nearly naked and in Jake's-" Edward stopped and lowered his voice to just barely a whisper, "I woke in his...bedroom." Edward waited for the shock on Bella's face to appear. When her face showed nothing, Edward continued.

He went on to explain waking up confused, his interaction with Jake just out of the shower and the wandering eyes of both men. Edward shook his head and lowered his chin to his chest in defeat.

"Oh my," was Bella's reply. Edward had hoped for more, but was relieved she hadn't said, "Get the fuck out!"

They stared at each other for a moment, each of them wishing the other would do or say something. Finally, Bella spoke.

"Pardon me for being so forward, but why do you think you're gay?"

"I told you, I woke up in a man's bed, nearly naked with an erection. And…I looked at his… you know!" It was so embarrassing and ridiculous. Edward wanted Bella to grasp the idea this time, as repeating it was quite painful.

Bella rubbed her forehead, deep in confounded thought. From what Edward was telling her, it didn't sound like he'd had a bi-curious experience.

By no means did Bella consider herself Dr. Ruth, and her knowledge of the opposite sex was minimal at best. "Forgive me again, Edward, for my forward questioning. Had you ever been with a man prior to last evening's festivities?"

Edward shook his head no. "And have you ever been with a woman?" Bella knew her question was extremely personal. If he answered, it was about to reveal a harvest of information concerning Edward's personal life. She wanted to tread carefully.

"Um, yes…a couple of times." Edward was brimming with nervous energy. He didn't want Bella to get the wrong impression of him, but he knew he was about to say something stupid; that's what Edward always did when he was nervous.

"I slept with a prostitute, and a rather thin girl, once. The prostitute was nice. The thin girl was boney and gave me bruises." Shut up! Shut up! His conscience was shouting to his mouth. They obviously weren't on the same frequency.

Bella recoiled a bit. It was obvious from her body language that she disapproved of Edward's having been with a prostitute.

"I'm terribly sorry, Edward, but that was exceptionally rude of you to say." Edward began to admonish his remarks, telling Bella the prostitute was a gift from an uncle for his 18th birthday. His namesake had clapped him on the back and told him it was time to become a man. Edward was extremely curious about intercourse, so of course he accepted, despite the embarrassment it had caused later on.

Bella interrupted him though. "Edward, being thin is just as medically dangerous as being over-weight, and often times unavoidable. I had a friend in college who was extraordinarily thin, and everyone always thought she was anorexic. She ate like a horse. It was amazing, actually. She had a glandular disorder, but she still received jeers and sneers because of her appearance. I don't take lightly to your comments."

Huh?

"So, you don't care I was once in a house of ill repute?"

"Oh, no. They have to make a living just like the rest of us. As long as they pay their taxes, it's fine by me."

Edward immediately wanted to venture in to other politically provocative topics with Bella, such as the legalization of marijuana, but he stuck close to the topic at hand instead.

"Look, Edward. It sounds like you just had an awkward experience. I just wish there was some way we could test you."

Then a thought occurred to Bella. "I might have an idea - if you are amenable, of course."

Edward was willing to take any help he could get, and if it meant spending more time with Bella, he was game.

"Well, why don't we kiss? I mean if you like it, then we would know whether or not you like women, right?"

Edward was pretty sure he wanted to kiss Bella. There had been a couple of nights when he'd fantasized about her perfectly small breasts, housed in lingerie he'd purchased from his favorite store.

"Okay."

The couple sat together on the couch, parallel to one another and facing out the front window. It was not a position conducive to kissing. Since it was Bella's idea, she figured it was her responsibility to make the first move. She turned slowly, bringing her body closer to Edward and closer to touching his lips. Edward mimicked her posture, turning and leaning in as well.

Bella raised her hands, unsure of where to place them. She had never actually kissed a boy before. She was no virgin, but her first and only time had been very quick and slightly crude. Regardless of how clichéd the very notion was, Bella had sex with her prom date. Tyler Crowley had been no sex pot. Of that, she was sure.

Her hands landed on either side of Edward's face. She had seen the move in a movie once, but this seemed anything but romantic. Bella felt like she was assisting in immobilizing a spinal injury victim.

Edward's smile was small, giving into a bit of nervousness. But he was determined to keep his anxious ramblings to himself. He was on the cusp of something big, and he didn't want to ruin it with sudden utterances concerning IBS or erectile dysfunction.

Bella removed her hands and placed then on Edward's biceps instead. She was surprised to feel a bit of muscle tone. What she hadn't realized was Edward was flexing his bicep for all the tea in China. The two leaned in, inching closer

together. Their breathing hitched, and their palms grew sweaty. Edward was suddenly worried that his lips were dry. Bella worried her breath wasn't minty fresh.

Edward leaned closer still, his hand going to the nape of Bella's neck. He'd read, in many an erotic novel, that women loved it when you ran your fingers through their hair, tugging gently. This however, was not a win for Bella and Edward, either. Edward wore a ring on his right hand and it caught on Bella's hair, pulling it at the root. Bella shrieked in pain as several hairs were ripped from her scalp.

Edward apologized profusely, wishing he'd paid better attention to all the online pornography his old roommate used to watch. Unfortunately, at the time, Edward had been more concerned with the potential viruses his bunkmate was downloading than with the actual content.

"It's okay, Edward. I know this is a bit odd for both of us. I understand if you don't want to go through with it."

And that's when it happened. The clouds parted, the angels sang, and hell had apparently frozen over. Sitting in front of him was the beautiful, vivacious, forgiving, and…smiling Bella.

Bella was smiling at Edward, and its meaning was unmistakable. It was a smile that was just for him. Without further thought or hesitation, Edward leaned forward and captured Bella's lips. They were soft and moist. He could smell a hint of strawberry that he was sure was the flavor of her lip balm.

It all happened so fast and frenzied that the young pair lost themselves in a single kiss. Hands were tugging, tongues were lashing and teeth were gnashing. A single moan broke the silence in the room. A fire had been ignited, and there was no extinguisher on hand.

One thing had become abundantly clear in the last 37 seconds, though. Edward Anthony Masen Cullen was definitely not gay.

O_o


	6. Chapter 6

**Above all, I craved to seize the whole essence, in the confines of one single photograph, of some situation that was in the process of unrolling itself before my eyes. ~Henri Cartier-Bresson**

O_o

Chapter 6:

"I looked out this morning and the sun was gone Turned on some music to start my day I lost myself in a familiar song I closed my eyes and I slipped away"

Edward crooned the words as he sped away from Bella's apartment. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so blissfully happy.

"It's more than a feeling More than a feeling When I hear that old song they used to play More than a feeling I begin dreaming More than a feeling"

He couldn't control the simper that had overtaken his face earlier this evening when Bella suggested they kiss. The world suddenly felt right, and most importantly, Edward was fairly certain that after his impromptu make out session with Bella Swan, there was no longer confusion as to whether or not he was gay. At the most, he might be bi-sexual.

Edward pulled in to his own domicile unit and noticed his neighbor was watering the lawn. He thought it odd that a grown man would water at such a late hour in the evening. Everyone who knew anything about lawn care and maintenance knew that the best time to water was early in the morning.

"Good evening, Phil," Edward politely greeted him as he made his way to the door. It looked as though Phil was paying special attention to his rose bushes. When the curious neighbor turned, Edward noticed that Phil was indeed watering the lawn, but not with city water.

Edward thought about his gardening novice of a neighbor, and what finicky flowers roses were. They could be quite persnickety and flounder when not planted in the correct soil alkalinity. Maintaining the correct PH balance was tricky and Edward knew his neighbor was not paying special care. With Phil's current method of watering, the beautiful blooms would surely die. While roses were willing to endure many conditions, urination was not one of them.

"Edswards," Phil slurred in greeting. Edward was appalled at Phil's flagrant disregard for public decency laws. While he was on his own property, and it was dark out, he was still considered to be in public. Therefore he was exposing himself when he turned toward Edward with his pants hanging open. Edward shook his head, trying not to mind his intoxicated neighbor and turned back to his front door.

"Night, Phil." Edward waved, but only to satisfy his polite nature; it wasn't to wish his neighbor well.

As he climbed the steps to his two-bedroom townhouse, he had a capricious thought. Phil had many activities with the ladies of the neighborhood, often those older than he. He was social and knew how to hold the attention of a crowd. If only he could hold his liquor in the same manner.

I wonder if he might be able to help me with Bella.

Edward stopped and turned abruptly.

"Phil?" Edward questioned.

Phil turned, still apparently watering the rose hedge. Edward suddenly thought better of himself than to seek the advice of a thirty-something, single man who was drunk.

He would wait until morning when Phil was sober.

O_o

Bella lay in her bed starring at the ceiling. All she could think about was the kiss from Edward. She was certain he wasn't gay from the feel of things…downstairs. She noticed he'd gotten an erection and was thankful he couldn't detect she was quite aroused, as well.

She tried all the relaxation techniques in her arsenal. She visualized sheep, lying on the beach naked while the warm tropical breeze floated across her body; lying on a pink pillow of air while a white bubble enveloped her body. But nothing worked. All she could think about were Edwards's lips... hands...the way his tongue touched hers, sending tingles throughout her body.

Bella thought back to her roommate in college, and what Carmen had done to relax and relieve anxiety.

No, Bella couldn't do that! Could she? She had never masturbated. The thought alone seemed so deviant. She wouldn't actually be able to touch herself, there. Bella carefully looked around her bedroom. She spied her bedroom curtains open just a peek.

If she were going to do this, she wanted no chance of anyone seeing. She leapt from the bed and closed her curtains tight, making sure they overlapped.

Bella settled back down on the bed, legs straight, and arms flat at her side. She wasn't sure how to approach this.

First she tried her right hand, since that was her dominant hand. Her fingers crept to the edge of her underwear, dancing with the little lace edge. Then she lightly touched her mound over her panties. A quick shiver shot through her.

Before long, Bella was spread eagle on her bed, fingers furiously rubbing the spot she was now calling Best Friend.

Forget Alice, Bella thought. She's never done anything like this for me, let alone, lately.

It was only a few minutes later that Bella was panting loudly. She couldn't imagine why she hadn't tried this before. It was simply magnificent!

That night, Bella fell asleep happy and relaxed, a smile on her face and thoughts of Edward dancing across her eyelids.

O_o

Edward had tossed and turned late into the night. He was anxious to see where things were going with Bella. He had wanted to call her when he got home last night, but he was afraid it might make him seem too needy. He contemplated it again this morning, but then decided it was too early. He didn't know how much beauty sleep his beloved needed, and he didn't want to interrupt it.

He hoped that work would keep him busy, but since it was not wedding season, Christmas, or senior photo season, his days hadn't been all that fulfilling. Mostly, he played on his computer and contemplated ways to get Jessica fired.

Morning faded into afternoon, and afternoon faded into evening. Edward was determined to call Bella before day's end, and it seemed to be fading quickly. He dialed her number several times, but he always hung up at the last second, before the call connected. His palms were sweaty, and he kept dragging his fingers awkwardly through his hair, creating oily patches where the scalp had been over-worked.

While Edward waited on his Hungry-Man dinner, he stepped onto his porch. He noticed Phil was outside as well, imbibing what appeared to be a bottle of Boone's Farm. The brand and manufacturer labeled it as "wine," but Edward found that claim to be highly debatable.

"Phil?"

"Edward!"

Good, Edward thought. He's not slurring yet. It's probable he's still sober.

"How are you? Recovered from last evenings activities okay?" Edward asked, keeping with his theme of being polite. He wasn't really interested, but he knew that in order to get something, he would have to give something.

Phil was a sucker and took the bait easily.

"I'm doing fine, Edward. You were home a bit later than usual last night. Have yourself a hot date?" Phil took a large swig from his bottle.

"Um, sort of. It wasn't planned, but I think I have met my one fish in the sea. Problem is I don't know how to reel her in."

"Edward, you have come to the right man!" Phil motioned to himself with both thumbs, sloshing some of his "wine" onto the front of his shirt.

Edward hadn't actually come to Phil with anything yet, and he was still considering whether he wanted to confide in his neighbor. He'd already discussed the quagmire with Dorthea, but she was of no help. She only wrinkled her nose at him and nipped at his finger, demanding a bite of cheese.

Just then, Edward heard the timer, indicating his dinner was done. "Phil, I've got to get dinner out of the oven, but I'll be back later to talk."

"Nah, I may not be in my right mind later. I'll just watch you eat, and we can talk now." Phil was already scooting past Edward and headed for the door. He hadn't even given Edward an opportunity to say no.

O_o

"So, this Bella girl…you like her? Are you going to eat that?" Phil asked as he pointed to the 'hungry man' brownie.

"Yes, I adore Bella. She's the kindest, most understanding, and most beautiful woman I've ever met. And no, you may not have my brownie." Edward thought he heard Phil mumble something that sounded like "least you could do," but he decided to let it go. He didn't have time to verbally spar with his neighbor over dessert. Edward knew he had only precious moments before Phil's inebriation would kick in.

"I want to ask her on a date, but my skills in that area seem to be revolting at best."

Edward launched his tale about how he met the gorgeous and vivacious Miss Swan. He detailed his plan of sabotage and his even worse plan of suing her. When he said it all together like that, he really did sound like a total imbecile!

"Just be glad I'm here for you," Phil responded with a hand clasped on Edward's shoulder.

"So, what should I do? How do I get her to like me?"

Phil took a long pull from the bottle he was clutching, and then jumped out of his chair, knocking it backward.

"Never fear! Phil is here!" Edward rolled his eyes at Phil's superhero impersonation.

So much for talking while he's sober…

O_o

Bella awoke Wednesday morning, feeling refreshed and renewed. She'd slept like a log after her voracious relaxation activities the previous night. It was so satisfying, in fact, that she had quickly decided to make it a nightly ritual.

As Bella readied herself for the day, she couldn't help but hold her hair brush as a microphone, singing happily to herself in the mirror:

I think that any love is good lovin' So I took what I could get, mmh Oooh, oooh she looked at me with big brown eyes

And said, You ain't seen nothin' yet B-b-b-baby, you just ain't seen n-n-nothin' yet Here's something that you never gonna forget B-b-b-baby, you just ain't seen n-n-nothin' yet

O_o

Thursday dawned much the same as Wednesday had. Masturbation really was Bella's new best friend! But all the Edward fantasies and hand play in the world couldn't save her from mischievous young boys.

"Eric! Time-out chair. Now!"

Miss Swan had her fill of the troublesome youth. It had rained the night before, and Eric had purposefully played in a mud puddle at recess. Not only that, but he'd gotten mud all over his hands and then smacked Bella on her rear as he lined up from recess. Now, Bella had two small, perfectly placed handprints on her ass.

Due to the energy she'd spent in her angry outburst at her mud-splattered student, Bella's blood sugar was dipping dangerously low. She had exactly seventeen and a half minutes to eat her lunch. By the time she took the students to the cafeteria, walked back to the teacher's workroom, and got her lunch, she wasn't left with much time to enjoy her food. So, when the secretary caught Bella on her way from the cafeteria, she was a little bereft with her greeting of Mrs. Hodges.

"Bella, dear, there's a delivery for you in the office. It seems you have an admirer." Bella's brow quirked up at the mention of the words delivery and admirer. She'd never had anything delivered to her at school. Bella knew of only one person who would send her something, to even have a reason to send her something. She only hoped she was right.

The kiss that Bella and Edward had shared was magical. She had been waiting on pins and needles for him to contact her. Surely Edward was a gentleman. He seemed so polite and conscientious. She imagined he would have called her by now. But Bella wasn't all that familiar with proper dating etiquette. Perhaps it was customary to wait a week.

Bella followed Mrs. Hodges into the main office, where a large and lovely flower arrangement sat. Next to it sat a rather large balloon arrangement that a parent had obviously sent to embarrass a child on their birthday.

"Those are lovely, aren't they? Was there a card?" Bella asked as she fingered the roses in the vase. They appeared to be fresh cut.

"No, those are from Mr. Hodges rose garden. I have those here to cover up the smell of the sweaty children. That's yours," Mrs. Hodges said, motioning toward the garish balloon display.

Bella's face didn't hide one iota of her emotion she held for the large display of balloons. She knew it could only be from one person, and Bella knew exactly what she was going to tell Edward to do with his big bouquet of balloons…

* * *

**Music credit goes to Boston forMore Than a Feeling andBachman-Turner Overdrive forYou Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet.


	7. Chapter 7

**Photography is an immediate reaction, drawing is a meditation. ~Henri Cartier-Bresson**

Chapter 7

It all happened so fast that Mrs. Hodges wasn't sure what to even do. One minute, Miss Swan was looking at the balloon bouquet, the next she was sprawled awkwardly on the floor. The squeal that erupted from Mrs. Hodges alerted several other office staff.

Moments later, Nurse Denali came rushing in.

"What happened?"

"Well, she was on her way to lunch when I pulled her in to see the delivery she'd gotten. She was looking at the balloons, and then she went all red faced and passed out!" Mrs. Hodges was very careful to describe the scene. She wanted no part in being implicated of injuring one of Oak Ridge school's finest teachers.

By this point, the custodian, Mr. Pattinson and the Principal, Mr. Taylor, had shown up on the scene. Nurse Denali politely asked them to carry Miss Swan to the nurse's station to recover, as she was still out cold.

"Mrs. Hodges, could you call Miss Swan's emergency contact? We will probably need to have someone come and get her," Principal Taylor directed. He hoped it was something simple like lady troubles and nothing of a more serious nature. The last thing he needed was a workman's comp case on his hands. Budget cuts had been brutal for the school, and he'd had to cut many corners, including swapping out their usual envelope for a sub-standard envelope which may or may not have contained poisonous glue adhesive on the seal.

Mrs. Hodges immediately began flipping through her files looking for whomever Miss Swan had listed. Unfortunately for both of them, Miss Swan hadn't listed anyone!

"Oh, bugger," Mrs. Hodges mumbled.

"Now what?" The secretary sat back in her seat to collect her thoughts for a moment when the garish balloon display caught her eye. It was so large that one really couldn't miss it.

"Well, someone must really like her in order to send such an extravagant display..." Mrs. Hodges mumbled to herself. She plucked the card that was delivered from the bouquet.

"Ahh, a Mr. Edward Cullen seems to fancy you." Mrs. Hodges felt a little guilty for reading the card before Miss Swan had a chance, but it was fortunate that now she had a lead on whom to call.

To Bella:

B is for the way your beauty shines

E is for the ways you make me feel euphoric

L is for your long hair, so silky and luxurious

L is for the way your lips mould to mine

A is for the way I will always think you are alluring

From: Edward

O_o

Edward had just found, within the Glamour Shots employee handbook, the loophole that he believed would lead to Jessica's termination, when the phone rang. He typically didn't answer switchboard calls during work hours, as it was Jessica's job. Today, though, there was a tiny sliver of hope that Bella had received his balloon bouquet and was calling to pledge her undying love and devotion…and to say "thank you."

"Hello, thank you for calling Glamour shots, this is Edward. How can I help you?"

"Mr. Cullen?"

"Yes, this is he." Edward suddenly felt a tightening in his stomach. He felt as though he was being summoned to the principal's office. If only he'd know how right he was!

"This is Mrs. Hodges from Oak Ridge Montessori. Do you know a Miss Bella Swan?"

"Yes..." Edward answered hesitantly. He didn't understand why Bella's school would be calling him. Several scenarios raced through his mind; none of them were good.

"Well, Miss Swan is ill, and we need someone to come and pick her up. She doesn't have any emergency contact information on file, so I had to track you down." Edward tried to respond but Mrs. Hodges just continued to chatter away. She detailed how she'd read the card from his lovely balloon bouquet, and how she had used "the Google" to discovered Edward's place of employment. Sometimes it frightened Edward what you could find about someone on the internet.

"Mr. Cullen?" Edward had totally disengaged from the ramblings of the old women. It wasn't until she called upon his attention again, that he regained his focus.

"Sorry, yes..."

"Will you be able to come get Miss Swan?"

"Oh, of course, yes. I will be there momentarily!" Edward made haste as he raced into action. He alerted Jake that he was leaving for the day to rescue his lovely Swan.

Jake, being the drama queen he was, wanted all the "deets" and demanded Edward call him later.

O_o

Edward had arrived at Bella's school in a tizzy. Mrs. Hodges hadn't told him why Bella was ill, and Edward only assumed the worst.

Mrs. Hodges led the distraught looking Edward to the nurses' station where Bella still lay sound asleep.

Edward noted to himself that she looked very much like Snow White with her pale complexion and flowing brown hair. The only things missing were forest animals hovering above her head. Before he could second guess himself, he leaned in and kissed Bella gently on the lips, hoping that, much like prince charming had done with Snow White, he would awaken her from her slumber.

"Mer...smbesly..." Bella's voice was hushed and barely audible. Edward took it as an opportunity to rouse Bella from her mid-morning nap.

"Bella?" Edward was gentle and hesitant in his tone.

Bella's eyes fluttered for a moment, and then slowly slid open.

"Edward?"

"I'm here, my delicate flower." His fingers stroked a lock of hair from her forehead and her eyes drifted shut once again.

"Are you the baby's father?" The voice was nearby, but Edward was disinterested; that was until he registered the question before him.

He turned to see a woman wearing a name tag, Tanya Denali, School Nurse. "Pardon me?" Edward replied.

"Well, I assumed that since Miss Swan fainted, and she received the celebration balloon bouquet, not to mention her slight weight gain and her propensity for wearing loose-fitting clothes, that she is with child?

"So, are you the father?" Nurse Denali asked again. Her tone was slightly condescending, and Edward didn't care for it one bit. He also didn't care for the implication that his "flower"had been plucked!

"Miss Swan is not pregnant, not that it's any of your business. It would behoove you not to make sweeping assumptions about people, Ms. Denali!"

With those parting words, Edward made arrangements to take Bella home.

Once he had the balloon bouquet and Bella situated in his car, he began driving toward her apartment. He still hadn't a clue as to why Bella was ill and slipping in and out of consciousness.

Then, Edward thought better of taking Bella to her own apartment. While he was indeed concerned about her waking to find herself in a strange setting, he couldn't help but feel it would be better if he kept an eye on her. Edward made the last minute decision to go to his condo instead.

A few moments later, Edward pulled into his driveway and began trying to figure out the best way to get Bella inside. Carrying her seemed like the only way, as he didn't want to wake her again. When he was only half way up the walk, Phil bounced up from behind the bushes, startling Edward.

"Aye mate...I see you took my advice and drugged the little lady up. She looks to be out cold. That should do you right up,"

Phil said, giving Edward a thumbs up. Phil had given Edward a lot of advice about women the previous evening. However, Edward hadn't found any of Phil's advice useful; not to mention the fact that most of Phil's ideas probably would have resulted in his having to serve jail time and register with the local police for the rest of his life.

Edward just grunted and ignored his neighbor, taking Bella inside. He placed her on his bed and watched her for a few moments. Bella had seemed cool to the touch, so Edward wasn't concerned about a fever.

Not knowing what he should do, he called the only person who had been helpful to him lately.

"Jake? It's Edward. I have Bella here..." Edward went on to explain what had happened at Bella's school, and that no one really offered any explanation as to her fainting spell. He decided to omit the suggestion that Nurse Denali had given.

"Oh, Sugar-Plum! She's hypoglycemic! I remember she told me when she was in for her photo shoot and had gotten food on her clothing. She was feeling flushed and almost fainted, bumping into a trashcan. Check and see if she's eaten today."

After thanking Jake for his assistance and helpful suggestions, Edward hung up the phone and tried to stir Bella. Since the kiss had worked previously, he decided to try his luck one more time. The results were the same. Bella's eyes flickered open to a nervously waiting Edward.

"My flower, have you had anything to eat today?"

Bella's brow wrinkled in confusion. "Balloon?"

"You ate a balloon today? No wonder you're not feeling sound." Edward couldn't help but chuckle at his own horrible joke.

Edward hesitantly reached out and touched Bella's shoulder, hoping to gather her attention.

"I need you to tell me if you've eaten. You fainted, and I think your blood sugar may be low."

Bella shook her head no, and Edward raced from the room to get her started on fluids.

O_o

Bella didn't understand how she'd gotten to the strange bedroom, but Edward was there, so she felt safe.

The last thing she remembered was looking at Edward's balloon bouquet and thinking about what a wonderful man he was. His thoughtfulness and romanticism had made her blush.

Edward appeared back in the bedroom only moments later, with a glass of orange juice in hand. He'd even brought it with a bendy straw - Bella's favorite. Edward's thoughtfulness knows no bounds, Bella thought to herself.

After several sips, Bella started feeling her strength come back, and she finally felt steady enough to sit up, but Edward wouldn't hear of it.

"Lie back, my delicate flower. I will take care of you."

"Thank you, Edward. Thank you for everything… the balloons, getting me from work, taking care of me. You are truly wonderful."

Edward was currently wearing his heart on his sleeve. There was no mistaking how he felt about Bella now. The wide smile and splotchy crimson blush told volumes.

"Bella, there is something important I want to talk with you about. I may be overstepping my boundaries here, so please bear with me." Edward stopped to gauge Bella's willingness to allow him to continue with such a serious subject while she wasn't feeling at her best.

"Go ahead, Edward." She suddenly felt nervous after hearing his serious tone.

"Well, there is no easy way to say this. Bella, I care for you, and your safety is of the utmost importance to me. I…I…" Edward stumbled and began tugging at his hair again.

"Just spit it out, Edward," Bella interrupted, disappointed that his declaration wasn't heading in the direction she'd hoped. Edward wasn't interested in being with someone who didn't take care of herself and was careless with matters of health and well-being. She even got a bit glassy-eyed at the impending rejection.

"I want to be your emergency contact!" Edward said in a hushed and hurried voice.

"Oh, Edward! I want that, too…more than anything!" Bella squeezed Edward tight, fearful that if she loosened her grip, he would change his mind.

O_o

As mid-morning grew to late afternoon, Bella and Edward lounged on Edward's bed, getting to know one another. It had bothered Edward that Jake had known Bella was hypoglycemic and he hadn't. He'd managed to feed her two small snacks to get her strength up, and he had also talked her into staying for dinner. Edward offered to take Bella out, as he didn't have anything in the house but Hungry-man dinners. He knew a delicate beauty like Bella wouldn't eat such a thing.

"Edward!" Bella gasped as she looked in his freezer. "You have Salisbury steak TV dinners! You've been holding out on me. Those are my favorite!"

Edward knew, without a doubt, that he'd found his perfect match. At that moment, he hoped he could be Bella's emergency contact… and so much more.


	8. Chapter 8

**To me, photography is the simultaneous recognition, in a fraction of a second, of the significance of an event. ~Henri Cartier-Bresson**

o_0

Chapter 8

Thinking back on all the bad dates she'd been on, it was reasonable for Bella to be frightened of a first date with Edward. She'd had many negative experiences in the dating world, and her hopes were set to a marginal level.

Edward had asked Bella on a date for the following Saturday, after they had agreed to exchange information and notify their employers of their new emergency contact status. In fact, Bella had been so excited that she made both parties laminated Emergency Contact cards to put in their wallets.

Bella had also gone shopping that week in preparation for their date, and she had purchased a boat-neck top. It showed just enough of her clavicles to be suggestive, but it was conservative enough to be refined. Alice, of course, had not approved of her selection, but Bella wasn't concerned with what Alice wanted. Bella had a new best friend, anyway.

She was so enraptured in her thoughts on her way to the local bistro, where the couple had agreed to meet, that she missed the red light and peddled straight through it.

A few moments later the loud whirring of the siren brought her out from her reverie. She moved to the side of the street and stopped, knowing if there was an emergency Bella and her bicycle may have been impeding the progress of the emergency response team.

But Bella wasn't so lucky, and this was no emergency response team. The town's deputy had pulled her over.

He exited his car, watching Bella cautiously with his hand resting on his holstered side-arm.

"License and registration, ma'am."

"I don't have either of those, sir. I was…" Bella motioned to her bike to draw the officer's attention- in case he'd missed the fact that she was riding a pink '84 Schwinn bicycle.

The officer only cocked his eyebrow wondering if Bella understood English. He attempted a slower dialect and repeated his request. "License and registration?"

Bella, herself, wondered if the young deputy understood plain English. "Sir, I've already told you I don't have license or registration for my…bicycle." She hadn't meant to be snide, but she just couldn't help it. It was a bicycle!

"Ma'am, please step away from the vehicle-"

Bella couldn't help herself. "It's a bike! Not a vehicle! I don't have a license because I ride a bike! It's not registered because it's a bike!" Her hands flaied about as she explained to the officer that she was, in fact, riding a bike.

It only made things worse.

In the blink of an eye, the deputy grabbed Bella and thrust her to the ground. He pinned her beneath his knee, telling her she was under arrest while reciting her Miranda Rights. Once he had her tightly hand-cuffed, Deputy Dooley finally allowed Bella to sit up. She was careful to let her hair fall in front of her face to protect her identity. It wouldn't help, though. Several high school students had caught the whole affair on their cell phones and were posting it to YouTube at that very moment.

An hour and a half later, Bella was booked into the Town Country jail for resisting arrest, assault on a police officer and a traffic violation: refusing to yield to a red light—on a bicycle.

"But I was on my freaking BIKE!" Bella continued to protest as she was processed and booked. She had wanted to use a different "F" word, but no matter how angry she might get, Bella was still a respectable young lady.

o_0

Edward sat patiently at the small corner table sipping his wine. Bella was 20 minutes late. While he appreciated the delectable Miss Swan, he also appreciated timeliness. To arrive early was on-time; to arrive on-time was to arrive late; to arrive late…well, it just wasn't acceptable to Edward. He'd definitely be mentioning the imposition she'd caused.

But as an hour, and then two had come and gone, Edward was resigned to the fact that Bella wasn't going to show. At first he was angry at her lack of social grace. She should have called to let him down gently. But then he remembered her fainting spell earlier in the week, and he began to panic, thinking something had gone wrong.

What if something had happened to Isabella? He would surely be notified, right? He was her emergency contact after all.

Would she have been as prepared as he had, by placing an emergency contact card in her wallet?

The thoughts whirred through Edward's head until he couldn't stand it anymore. He was ready to start checking hospitals.

Once he'd contacted the local hospital, as well as the county hospital to no avail, he felt dread creep back in. Bella wasn't at a hospital, but that didn't mean she wasn't injured. Edward had wanted to pick her up for their date, but she had refused, citing her independence. Now he'd wished he had bullied her into his safer two-door mode of transport.

As Edward pondered his next step, a new theory dawned on him. What if she hasn't been found? She could be at her apartment unconscious or in a ditch somewhere out of sight, Edward thought. He immediately jumped in his car and sped toward her apartment. On his way, he dialed what he deemed the most logical number to look for a missing person…the police station.

"This is Edward Cullen and I live at 207 Skyway. I had a date with a lady friend who didn't emerge at the agreed predetermined time. I think she may be injured and unconscious somewhere." Edward said it all of this so quickly, he hoped the dispatcher understood what he was saying.

"Sir, please calm down. Am I to understand that you had a date this afternoon that didn't show up? And you are under the assumption that it's because she's gone gotten in an accident or been abducted…not because she stood you up?"

When she put it that way…

"Yes, ma'am, that's precisely what I think. Thank you for your understanding and expedited cooperation in finding my confidante." Edward punctuated the word confidante. He wasn't quite sure how to refer to Bella since they hadn't discussed that particular topic as of yet. He'd hoped an opportunity would have presented itself during their lunch date.

Officer Brown was a little dumbfounded by the man on the end of the line. She found it hard to believe that he seriously hadn't considered the possibility that a chick just didn't show up. Officer Brown rolled her eyes, realizing she was going to be late for her own lunch break if she had to take the callers statement. Things had already been disrupted at the station by the 594* booked upstairs, putting the dispatcher's lunch that much further out of reach.

"Name, please."

"Edward Cullen."

"Missing person's name?"

"Isabella Swan. I'm her emergency contact."

Edward hadn't needed to say anything else to Deputy Brown. She'd heard the name plenty that morning. Miss Isabella Swan was currently being held up stairs in cell number two.

"Mr. Cullen? I think it would be best if you just came down to the station."

o_0

"Is she calm yet?"

"Yeah, she's been quiet for about 20 minutes now."

"I can hear you!" Isabella shouted to the pair of deputies sitting down the hall from her cell. The last two hours had been the most humiliating of young Bella's life. She couldn't believe what she had gotten herself into. They had told her that she would be able to make her phone call once she was calm. But that had taken Bella a little while to achieve.

While she waited, she also decided to chat up her cell-mate, Candi. Bella and Candi found easy conversation that eventually led to Bella's missed date and her new best friend. Candi was a good listener and offered Bella a few tips to enhance the night-time ritual she had begun the previous week. Candi was a bit shocked to learn of Bella's inexperience with men and offered herself up as an expert and mentor. Candi stated that it was important for a woman to be in charge of her own sexuality and that every woman should not only know how to please a man, but how to please herself as well. Bella couldn't help but blush about the topic at hand, but she also didn't want to turn away advice from a seasoned professional such as Candi.

So, Bella listened intently as Candi gave her some basic tips on the art of intercourse.

While she was extremely appreciative to all the suggestions Candi had provided, Bella's other concern just wouldn't leave the forefront of her mind. She wasn't sure of who to call when finally given the opportunity. While Edward was her emergency contact, she hardy wanted to spoil their budding relationship with her newly dotted police record. But she only received one call. She had to use the call to either let Edward know she hadn't meant to miss their date or to call her father to come bail her out. Neither option seemed promising. So Bella sat, spewing venom at the jailer, and biding her time. However, time was being rather uncooperative with Bella.

"Well, bond has been set and paid for inmate zero-one-seven by an Edward Cullen. Seems they had a lunch date she's

late for." The female officer snickered as she left the holding area.

No no no no no no NO! Edward can't be here. Shit! Bella thought.

Why had Edward bailed Bella out? More importantly, how did he know she was here?

She continued to fret about Edward coming to her rescue once again. She really was forming a white knight attachment to him. As she sat in the chair outside the cell, putting her shoe laces back in, she wondered what Edward would think of her. Perhaps he would decide that she was altogether too much trouble and sever their ties this evening. Bella didn't want to think about that possibility.

Then, Bella thought back to the education she'd received from her cell-mate earlier. Perhaps there was a way Bella could repay Edward for all his generosity and understanding. She only hoped he was still here and willing to give her a chance.

o_0

"They are bringing Miss Swan down now."

Edward just grunted, as his experience at the jail had been less than ideal. Bella's bail had been set to $325. That wasn't a huge deal, but he had to pay the bond in cash, forcing him to depart the jail and go to the local bank. Being a Saturday, the bank was already closed, so he had to use the ATM. Realizing that Bella would be hungry and probably thirsty after her release, he got an extra $25 in cash to buy her a bottle of water and lunch.

Once back at the station, with three $100 bills and one $50 in hand, Edward was informed that he had to have exact change for the bail.

Had this been a Warner Brothers cartoon, a passerby would have seen steam coming from Edward's ears. However, since this was real life, Edward was just red-faced and particularly vexed. Deputy Brown directed Edward across the street to the convenience store where he would be able to get change.

Edward stood in line patiently at the Circle V convenience store, waiting his turn. When he was next, he politely asked the cashier if he could get change. The young woman, who could, without a doubt be related to Jessica, indicated he would have to buy something.

Despite the fact that he found gum chewing to be an annoying habit, it was closest to the register, so he grabbed it, throwing it and his $50 on the counter. The young woman snapped her own gum and merely pointed to the side, carefully hidden behind a display of candy bars that read: We don't accept bills over $20.

Edward suddenly understood alcoholism and the term "going postal."

At a loss, he called the once person who knew would know what to do.

"Hey, Phil. It's Edward. Hey I'm in a bit of a jam with the jail and I need to know where I can get change for a $50?"

Phil knew what to do instantly and directed Edward to another nearby convenience store that would sell him a money gram for the exact amount of bail. Phil explained that he'd needed to tell many people, who had to bail him out for drunk and disorderly conduct, how to complete the procedure.

Somehow, Edward knew that Phil's help would come back to haunt him, and that this probably wouldn't be the last time Edward would be making bail at the county jail.

o_0

"Edward, please talk to me." Bella was concerned that Edward was angry at her as he hadn't said a word to her since leaving the jail.

"Let's get you home and cleaned up. Then we will go for a nice dinner if that's all right."

Bella was surprised that Edward would want to have dinner with her after he day they'd both had. But Bella wasn't going to deny him, and she was grateful for any time he was willing to spend with her.

An hour later saw Edward and Bella walking into the local tavern for dinner. Bella was pleased with the choice, as the local diner didn't offer any sort of libation. After the events of the day she'd just had, Bella was certain she was going to be "tying one on."

A/N: Criminal code 594 in CA = Malicious Mischief


	9. Chapter 9

**Pick a theme and work it to exhaustion... the subject must be something you truly love or truly hate. ~Dorothea Lange**

Chapter 9

"I think you've had enough, Bella," Edward said, trying to pry the beer mug from her hand. Bella was something of a belligerent drunk, and it wasn't all that easy convincing her when it was time to draw the line.

"Far you smad at me, Swedward?" The slurred words were difficult to understand, but Edward was sure she wanted to know if he was upset.

"No, Bella, just disappointed. Did you know that almost fifty percent of all crime in America is motivated by alcohol use?"

Edward had been biting his tongue since he'd picked Bella up from the jail. There were many lecture series he wanted to lavish upon her for her behavior. From the virtues of safe transportation and following safety rules of the road, to the amount of libation one should imbibe after a stressful day, they were all on the tip of his tongue.

"Were you also aware that over half the accidents in the U.S. are caused by inattentive drivers? By you missing that light, someone could have been seriously injured or even killed, Bella."

"IT WAS A FIKE. MY BUCKING FIKE! HAT THE SWELL IS THONG YOU PEOPLE." Bella was shouting now and drawing quite a bit of attention to herself. This was the type of behavior Edward expected from Phil, but certainly not Bella.

"Let's go, Bella." Edward rose from his seat and went to help Bella from hers.

"But we smaven't had fassert yet," Bella said, with a slightly quieter voice than her previous statement.

"I dant wessert, Edfard," she continued, her voice slow and laced with innuendo.

"I have Eskimo pies at home in the freezer. Let's go." The long day had finally used the last of Edward's polite cards. The only cards left now were bitters and contempt.

O_o

It was a feat in and of itself to get Bella to the car without further incident. She had flipped off several patrons at the bar, insulted the waiter, and called the hostess an unflattering name. Edward let out a sigh of relief as he tucked Bella safely inside his car.

Once they started down the road, he once again wondered if he should take Bella to her home, or his. Her obvious inebriated state made him worry about her safety. Alcohol could be a dangerous mix for someone with a blood sugar disorder. Edward knew this because he'd read all about it on Web-MD.

A small giggle to his right snapped him away from the decision.

"Edward…" Bella said in a slightly slurred, but sexy voice. She was now leaning over the center console and her hand was creeping up Edward's thigh. He couldn't help the natural reactions his body was displaying. He was attracted to Bella, whether she was drunk or sober.

"Come out and play, Big Boy!" Bella was talking to his crotch, her face to be particularly close to a part of Edward's anatomy that did indeed want to play with her.

Then her hand cupped the big boy. Thank goodness he was traveling at a safe speed, because her hand on his crotch caused Edward to jerk the car to the right, hitting the shoulder of the road.

"Bella!" he admonished. He was slightly embarrassed and considerably aroused. Edward had always hidden himself from the stares and glares in the locker room. He was large, and it made him feel self-conscious. All he'd ever wanted as a young man was to be average…and that included not having an elephant's trunk in his pants. While the professional he was with on his 18th birthday told him it was something to be proud of, he was still a bit bewildered when it came to his lengthy appendage.

It was at that precise moment that Edward wished his car was equipped with safety restraints. Had his car been outfitted with seatbelts, Bella would be securely confined to her seat. Edward found himself feeling rather guilty for the thoughts running flagrantly through his head. He so wanted Bella to continue talking to Big Boy, but his culpability was telling him that his thoughts were vile and painted Bella in a less than respectful mien.

"Oh! It skeeps tegging figger!" Bella garbled. Now her hand was rubbing Edward. His control was quickly slipping, and he knew he needed to get off the roadway soon. This was definitely not a safe way to travel.

Edward couldn't believe the words that came out next. Surely his mouth would ask permission before uttering such nonsense…

"Bella, please stop!" But Edward didn't really want her to stop. He wanted her to keep going. He wanted her hand, and dare he imagine, her…mouth…on his impatiently waiting pants jockey.

He hadn't even really been paying attention to where he was going. His driving had been put on auto-pilot, and Edward hadn't yet realized they were enroute to his home rather than Bella's.

Once he turned onto his street, Bella went from being a purring kitten to a full blown jungle cat. She was nipping at Edward's crotch, making snarling noises.

"Sedfard, Sandi mold me fow to fease you. Shme even soed fe." Bella's hands then fumbled to the waistband of Edward's pants. He was confused about what to do now. If he took her hands away, that would require he take his hands from 10 and 2 on the steering wheel. That went against his safe driving practices. However, if he allowed Bella to take the big boy out for a joy ride, then he would be distracted, which would also be bad vehicular management. Edward was completely torn!

Fortunately, Edward didn't have to decide. His condo was in sight and just a few more seconds would find him safely in his driveway.

Once he pulled in and put the car in park, he was able to attend to Bella.

"Bella, I really don't think you should be doing this. You are a respected young woman. You are smart and beautiful. You shouldn't be degrading yourself in this way."

"But I want it!" Her speech was perfectly clear. No slur or mumble. It was plain as day…she wanted it.

"Bella, I-"

But Edward wasn't able to get anything more out. He was interrupted by the foul smelling bile which Bella had just upchucked in his lap.

Edwards's shoulders slumped forward with a heavy sigh. He was becoming accustomed to the disastrous train wreck that was Bella Swan.

"I'm fo smorry," Bella cried. The tears began streaming down her face as she sat back up, then smacking her head on the passenger window.

Edward exited the car, grabbing some tissues and brushing the chunks off his pants the best he could. He wasn't angry. He was just concerned about Bella.

It's just a little vomit. Nothing the washer won't take care of, Edward told himself. He heaved Bella out of the car, and cradled her in his arms. She had passed out after expelling her dinner on him.

He couldn't help the sense of déjà vuthat was overtaking him at carrying a sleeping Bella into his home. He walked onto the porch and noticed Phil was watering the rose bushes- again. He wondered if Phil had running water, given the frequency with which he urinated outside.

When Phil noticed Edward and the unconscious woman in his arms, he gave Edward a thumbs up and a cheeky grin. Edward was really taking his advice and running with it; or so Phil thought.

O_o

Once Edward was inside with Bella, he began considering his current predicament. He was hesitant to place Bella in his bed, solely for the fact that he didn't want her throwing up in it. After some contemplation, he placed her on the side of the bed nearest to the bathroom, and he set a large trashcan right below her on the floor.

With loving care, he stripped her down to her tank top and pants, removing her sweater, shoes and socks. Then he wiped her face and hair off with a warm washcloth. While Edward wasn't fond of the circumstances presented in this particular situation, he did like caring for Bella. It made him feel masculine and virile, being able to provide assurance and safety for Bella in her times of discomfort and need.

After changing into some clean pants, he settled in beside her and watched over her throughout the night, like the faithful and devoted knight he had become.

O_o

Morning dawned upon the Cullen house and found Edward and Bella twined together in his small double bed. Bella was first to wake. While her head was pounding and her mouth felt like she'd eaten a dozen cotton fields, she couldn't help but smile at the patient and loving man that lay beside her.

Bella knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that she'd acted a fool the night before. She had indeed been drunk, but she remembered most of the evening with perfect clarity. The only thing she hadn't remembered was getting into the house and into bed with Edward.

Considering their state of dress, though, she was reasonably certain the activities had remained moderately chaste. After contemplating movement for several minutes, Bella finally decided that she didn't want to greet Edward first thing this morning with beer and vomit breath. So, she snuck out from under his grasp and silently excused herself to the bathroom.

Bella looked around in the drawer of the bathroom vanity, searching for an extra toothbrush. But when she didn't find one, she had a decision to make: to use or not to use Edward's toothbrush. That was the question.

Bella grabbed the brush and decided that she would use it, and then clean it thoroughly when she was finished. After all, they had kissed. What was the big deal about borrowing his tooth brush? Halfway through brushing, Bella had the irresistible urge to pee. She quickly scuttled over to the toilet, where she continued brushing her teeth as she relieved herself.

When she finished, she stood to locate the flush handle, but it wasn't located on the right side of the toilet as was typical with most. She glanced around the stool, looking for the flushing mechanism.

"Shit!"spewed from Bella's mouth as she searched high and low for the handle. But a curse wasn't the only thing that fell from Bella's mouth. Edward's toothbrush carelessly tumbled straight into the unflushed toilet bowl.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!" Bella wasn't sure what to do, so she rinsed her mouth and took a deep breath. There was only one thing she could do. She would have to go fishing.

After a few minutes scrubbing the bristles with soap and water, Bella was feeling a little better. She still felt guilty for using Edward's toothbrush, then dropping it into a toilet full of urine. There was no way she could let Edward use the brush, but how was she going to keep him away from it? He had a sparkling clean smile, so she knew he must be strict with his oral hygiene.

Bella quietly snuck back into the bed and under the safety of Edward's arm. She laid there for 30 minutes before Edward woke, greeting her with a smile on his lips and a twinkle in his eyes. Bella immediately leaned in to kiss her prince charming, but he thwarted her advance.

"Have to brush my teeth first."

"No!" Bella shouted. "I mean, I want to kiss you now." She cringed internally because Edward had some serious halitosis going on at the moment, but she figured it was easier to grin and bear bad breath than tell your crush you dropped his toothbrush in pee.

With that thought, Bella planted a big, wet, sloppy kiss on Edward's mouth. He immediately clung to her body, holding her close and relishing their kiss. As long as Bella didn't breathe, she couldn't smell Edward's bad breath, thus heightening the pleasure in their kiss.

But all too soon, Edward pulled away with a confused look on his face.

"Bella, why do you taste like Colgate?"

O_o

* * *

A/N: Bella and Edward don't speak French or any other foreign languages, but as you can see from this chapter- Bella speaks drunk. I decided to help out with the translations:

"Far you smad at me Swedward?"= Are you mad at me, Edward?

"IT WAS A FIKE. MY BUCKING FIKE! HAT THE SWELL IS THONG YOU PEOPLE."= It was a bike. My fucking Bike. What the hell is wrong with you people.

"But we smaven't had fassert yet,"= But we haven't had dessert yet.

"I dant wessert, Edward." = I want dessert, Edward.

"Oh! It skeeps tegging figger!" = Oh! It keeps getting bigger!

"Sedfard, Sandi mold me fow to fease you. Shme even soed fe." = Edward, Candi told me how to please you. She even showed me.

"I'm fo smorry,"= I'm so sorry


	10. Chapter 10

**To take photographs means to recognize - simultaneously and within a fraction of a second - both the fact itself and the rigorous organization of visually perceived forms that give it meaning. It is putting one's head, one's eye and one's heart on the same axis. ~Henri Cartier-Bresson**

Chapter 10

Things were moving along swimmingly for Edward and Bella. They had been on two official dates in the past week and no one had been injured, unconscious, or arrested.

Things were going well.

Bella had found a way to replace Edward's toothbrush without him being any the wiser. Edward had even asked if it was alright to keep an extra one in his home for a special lady friend he was courting.

It was the dawn of their third date and Bella was nervous. Alice had told her that the third date was the date during which most couples consummated their relationship, although Alice didn't use those exact words. She used vulgar words and gestures that Bella didn't wish to repeat.

"Alice, I have to go and get ready." Bella said as she cradled the phone to her face.

"Don't forget to wear the sexy underwear we got from Target!" Alice replied. Bella acknowledged Alice's suggestion, and then ended the call.

To say Bella was nervous about this date was an understatement. She was terrified, as tonight was the night. She was going to have sexual relations with Edward. They would make love and Bella knew it would be tender and caring, but it still wasn't enough to assuage her fears; Edward was sporting quite a package. It frightened Bella to think that his large round peg was going in her small square hole.

Bella was inordinately nervous, but had learned her lesson about using alcohol as a relaxation technique. So, after she was dressed and ready for the evening, she waited nervously at the edge of her couch biding her time until her date would arrive. She sat, back straight, knees together, feet crossed and hands in lap, starring at the door...for the next two hours.

O_o

Edward couldn't wait to pick Bella up for their date. He'd made the single biggest purchase of his life that morning and couldn't wait to share it with her. He hoped she would share in the excitement.

Phil had told Edward the third date was a milestone in a relationship, but never elaborated on its significance. So, Edward did what he always did when he ran into a knowledge roadblock…he Googled it.

"10 Third Date Tips"* The headline read. Well, this looks promising, Edward thought to himself, and then continued to read on.

"In case you are excited and nervous about what to expect, here are ten, third date tips to help the date go smoothly. By the third date, the two people are usually feeling more comfortable with each other and more secure in the fact that things are moving in the right direction. It's a fun time in the relationship, as you know somebody is interested, yet there is no pressure. Here are some tips to make it even better."

As Edward looked over the article, he identified that it suited his purposes perfectly. What he failed to realize was by skimming the article and only reading the bold print, he would lose some integral information! A few items stood out to Edward as he read:

"-Choose an activity for the date that reflects an interest that your date has expressed during the first two dates…"

The only activities Edward was sure he knew Bella was fond of at this point was drinking and grabbing his crotch. Who was he to argue? There was only one place he could think of where drinking and crotch grabbing were acceptable behaviors.

"-Ask your make-it-or-break-it questions on the third date..."

Perhaps asking Bella whether she was a democrat or a republican was too risky a question for the third date. It was a serious subject and the wrong answer could send a relationship into a tail-spin. Best to find out now, I suppose, Edward speculated.

"-Talk about your bad habits…"

Edward wasn't sure how this would be a selling point for the date, but agreed it was best to get the information out there anyway. He knew he was neat and tidy, but still feared his habits might send dear Bella for the hills when she found out.

"-If you aren't ready to go home after the date, say so..."

This made Edward nervous. Truth be told, he never wanted to leave Bella, ever. If it were up to him, he would kidnap her and never spend another night without her. But he was a gentleman. He always walked her to her door, gave her a gentle good-night kiss and then went home to his cold empty bed. He longed for the day he would no longer have to do so.

O_o

Six o'clock was quickly approaching. After staring at the door for the last two hours, Bella was ready for a change in scenery. She stood, gazing out the front window, waiting for the little brown Rabbit to appear into view. She saw a few other cars enter the parking structure, but not Edward's car.

That's it- he doesn't want to have sex with me. He was so disgusted when I accosted him last week. He's not coming…she thought.

Just then, a rap at the door startled Bella from her self-induced pity party. Damn neighbors! Why they can't keep track of that little dog is beyond me, she thought as she trudged to the door.

"Mrs. Pottz, I haven't seen Flu-" but Bella stopped cold as she opened the door fully and saw Edward standing there with six of the largest sunflowers she'd ever seen.

Bella was quick to act and speak. She wanted Edward to know she was thrilled he was at her door and going through with their date.

"Oh, Edward, I'm so glad you're here!" Bella said as she threw her arms around him in a tight hug. She hadn't noticed that in her haste she'd smushed the sunflowers against Edward's shirt, causing little yellow flower smudges.

"I was worried you weren't coming. I didn't see your car pull in the garage."

"Yes, well, I have a surprise for you. Shall we?" Edward asked as he motioned to the couch.

"I've bought a new car, Bella."

Bella was stunned. It was such exciting news!

"Did something happen to your old car?" Bella wondered aloud.

"No. It just wasn't safe. It didn't have any of the safety features that modern cars do. And Bella, your safety is paramount to me. What if we were in a collision in that death trap? Surely you would have been injured and maybe even…" Edward couldn't fathom that fate.

"Well, you understand. I just want you to be safe my little buttercup. It's why I've bought a Toyota Prius. " **

"Edward, I just love you so much." Bella's words were gleeful, but only for a moment.

The phrase had escaped and there was nothing she could do about it. There were no such things as time machines or time travel in the universe. But perhaps Edward hadn't heard what she'd said. There was no change on his face and his next words were unexpected given the phrase she'd just spewed.

"Bella, may I use your restroom? I seem to have gotten something on my shirt."

"Al…right," Bella stuttered. She led him down the short hallway and showed him the bathroom door. As she walked away, she couldn't help but think that things were not going how she had planned.

After a few minutes, Edward hadn't yet re-emerged from the bathroom. Bella thought perhaps he needed assistance with the stain on his shirt. She made her way back to the bathroom, only to find it empty. She wondered where he'd gone.

Then Bella heard sounds coming from her bedroom. She looked around the corner to see a topless Edward standing near her bed. Understanding dawned in her head, "oh. Ohhhh…"

"Well, I guess we are doing this before dinner," Bella mumbled to herself. As she entered the room, she began unbuttoning her own shirt. By the time she reached Edward, it was half undone and her miniscule cleavage was spilling forth.

"Bella!" Edward shouted as he spun and noticed her. "What are you-" Bella didn't give him anymore time to get more words out before she attacked him with her lips.

After a few moments, Edward pried the barnacle-like Bella off his face. "What are you doing?" His tone was stern, but not angry. Edward simply didn't understand the willful woman in front of him. She was so angelic and innocent most of the time.

"Bella, have you been drinking again?"

"What? No!" Bella stood in front of Edward a little bit dumfounded and a whole lot wounded. She immediately clasped her shirt together, covering herself in her shame.

"I thought…" Bella's eyes filled with moisture as she relived Edward's rejection.

Edward could see that Bella was a wounded dove, standing before him flailing about. He gathered her in his arms, their bare flesh touching for the first time.

"Shhh, my little dove," Edward soothed as he stroked Bella's hair.

Safe in Prince Charming's arms, Bella began to calm. "I'm sorry, Edward. I thought you wanted to make love before dinner. Why else would you have been half naked in my bedroom?"

A smile that rivaled a rodeo clown's spread across Edward's face. She wants to make love to me?

"I guess I read the situation all wrong. I pledged my love to you in the living room, then find you here at my bed, shedding your clothing, and it's the third date! I hardly think my assumptions were horribly misguided. But if that was not your intent, Edward, what are you doing in my bedroom half-clothed?"

"I was trying to get the stain out of my shirt and took it off to get better leverage while scrubbing. When water wasn't enough, I began looking for something to assist. I thought perhaps your linen closet may contain some sort of stain remover."

Understanding flooded Bella's eyes, and once again she felt like the rube.

"My little lamb, nothing would make me happier than to make love to you. But I think we should at least indulge in dinner first. Don't you agree? What kind of barbarian do you take me for?"

O_o

Edward and Bella sat quietly at the restaurant waiting for their order to be taken. Neither party knew how to start the conversation, but the silence was getting a bit awkward. It was Bella who broke it first.

"I really like your new car, Edward. It seems very safe and it's quiet too."

"Thanks."

Edward realized his answer was succinct. He remembered the article he read earlier in the day about the third date and decided to dive in.

"So, after dinner I was thinking we could go somewhere you would feel comfortable. There is a bowling alley down the street."

This caught Bella off guard. Why would Edward think she would be comfortable in a bowling alley? The mere thought of Bella being that close to all those big balls made her stomach flutter. But she wasn't about to tell Edward that. If he wanted to bowl, then she would bowl.

A few more moments of silence elapsed before the waiter appeared and took their order. Bella was cautious not to order something too expensive from the meat laden menu. The Outback Steakhouse was a fine dining establishment. Bella thought about the conversation she'd had with Alice that morning.

"When a guy wants to have sex with you, he will take you to a nice dinner. That way, you feel like you have to repay them for all the money he just spent on you…"

While Bella was more than open to the idea of a rendezvous with Edward, she felt bad that he'd just bought a new car and was now paying an extravagant price for dinner. She wanted to tell him she would have sex with him even if he'd taken her to McDonald's.

"Are you a republican?" Edward blurted out. Bella wasn't sure how to answer the question. She'd always been a registered Independent, but didn't want to offend anyone or their political affiliations. Her mother always taught her to steer clear of religion and politics in conversation.

"I…well, umm…I vote for who I think is the best candidate." Bella hoped her answer was satisfactory enough to end the line of questioning.

Edward sensed her unease and decided that the third date was in fact too soon to discuss political party affiliation. They would have to come back to it at a later date.

After a bit more feckless discourse, dinner was delivered to the table. Both ate in companionable silence, enjoying their respective dishes.

"I just love the bread here. And their tangy tomato dressing is perfect," Bella commented on her dinner to show she was enjoying the meal.

"Yes, I enjoy their filets myself. The horseradish topping is the perfect accoutrement," Edward added.

O_o

As Edward finished his last bite of steak, he took stock of the topics they'd already discussed and discovered there were only two topics he hadn't yet covered.

He was relatively sure of the answer to one of them. Bella had made it pretty clear before dinner that she was more than willing to let Edward extend the evening past the pre-planned activities.

"So, Bella," Edward paused, putting his napkin on his now clean plate. "I hope that we can spend more time together. I feel we get along well enough to forge forward with a relationship." He paused, looking for her reaction. Bella simply smiled and nodded her agreement.

"I think there are some things you should know about me..." Edward began, anxious yet determined.

Truthfully, Bella knew all she needed to know about Edward. He was kind and sensitive and always looked out for her safety. She was fairly certain he wasn't an alcoholic with an abusive past or a degenerate gambler. Both of those things would have been a turn-off for Bella.

"The sheets have to be tucked in under the mattress at the foot of my bed. All shirts in the closet must face the same way, with all long sleeve shirts together and all short sleeve together. There is a separate section of the closet for shirts that are for yard work.

"Shoes must be lined up by pairs in the closet and grouped by season then color. I wash in a specific order in the shower and hand towels can only be used once.

"I always keep my keys and wallet in my pockets, and never put them on the table or counter when I come home. When I work on my computer, all date formatting or name formatting in a spreadsheet must be uniform. I also like to color coordinate said spreadsheets as well as my digital calendars.

"I always wear a belt and never wear my shoes without socks. I also wear my shoes until I am ready for bed. I won't walk around in socked feet.

"I eat my food on the plate in counter-clockwise rotation and food must not touch once on the plate. I eat anything with bright colors in the order in which it appears in the spectrum.

"When on a sidewalk, I must walk with traffic. No exceptions.

"I shave before getting into the shower and a bed must be made for me to sleep in it, even if I must make it and then go to bed."

Edward took a deep breath, and then exhaled signaling he was finished. There were other idiosyncrasies that he held, but he didn't want to frighten Bella. He thought it best to only put the important ones out there.

"Edward? Would you mind if we skipped the bowling alley?" Bella couldn't believe what an unbelievable turn-on it was for Edward to bear his soul in such a way. On top of the already impressive list of character traits Edward possessed, he was also organized and methodical.

She leaned across the table to whisper her desires. "Edward, you are the most wonderful man I have ever met. You are perfect for me in every way. I would be honored if you would take me home and ravage me like the wanton woman I am."

Edward's answer was tenacious yet terse: "Check please!"

* * *

*The article quoted is By:Robin Raven, Break Studios Contributing Writer

If you want to read the full article to see what Edward missed on his third date tips, go to: mademan mm/10-third- date-tips . html

** note: In no way do I think of the Prius as a safe car…it's supposed to be ironic : )


	11. Chapter 11

**Think about the photo before and after, never during. The secret is to take your time. You mustn't go too fast. The subject must forget about you. Then, however, you must be very quick. ~Henri Cartier-Bresson**

Chapter 11

After stopping for bottled water, which Edward insisted he had to have, the remaining drive to Bella's apartment went by in a flash. Neither Bella nor Edward could contain their excitement. Their passion was so great that Edward couldn't keep himself from a physical reprisal of Bella's salacious words at dinner. His hand was restless in Bella's lap the entire drive home. It itched to touch secret places. Edward was careful though, because he only had one hand on the wheel; it was not his finest or safest hour.

So, this is it, Edward thought as they exited his car, safe and sound, in front of Bella's building. His palms were sweaty and his mouth was dry. He had no idea how he was going to move to the next step with his lovely dove. He knew she was just as, if not more, inexperienced than he was in the department of intimate affairs. He hoped Bella would be patient and understanding as he didn't expect there to be an orgasmic explosion like he'd seen on the few porno's he had been forced into watching in his younger days.

"Edward? Are you feeling alright?" Bella asked as they crossed the threshold into her domicile unit. She mentally noted that he was looking peaked.

"Oh, uh…yes. Yes…I'm just…can I use your bathroom?"

Edward quickly scurried to the bathroom where he systematically checked his pockets for the loot he'd purchased at the convenience store. He insisted to Bella that he had to stop for bottled water. But his true intention was buying prophylactics. It wasn't something he stocked on a regular basis and he was a bit confused by the different brands, sizes and colors available. There were even some with… accessories…

As Edward stood looking at the selection, he thought back to a time once before when he'd had a quandary similar to this. He was purchasing a new cell phone. He looked over the choices before him, and wondered why there were so many choices. He just needed a cell phone for one sole purpose: to make phone calls. His condom buying experience didn't feel much different. As he studied the selections he thought to himself, I just need it to do one thing: catch my ejaculate!

Edward thought about buying a box of condoms, but wasn't sure how to sneak the package past Bella. His trousers didn't afford him enough room to camouflage a box that size. So, he settled for the vending option accessible in the gas station restroom. He only hoped he'd gotten the right ones.

O_o

Now, standing in front of the bathroom vanity looking at the small purple foil packets in his hand, anxiety set in once again.

"You can do this, Edward. You love Bella and she loves you." As he whispered the words to himself in the mirror, an aching feeling grabbed his heart. He suddenly remembered Bella proclaiming her love for him. And he had said…nothing. He was so nervous about their date, and so focused on telling her about his new car that he'd let the phrase slip by without taking notice.

"Bella loves me. ME!" Edward said disbelievingly to his reflection.

He wasted no further time and burst out of the bathroom. He turned left and raced back to the living room, intent on voicing his mutual feelings of love to his dove, but found the room dark and empty.

"Bella?"

"Back here…" rang a sultry tone. Edward raced toward Bella's bedroom in hopes of correcting his oversight in proclaiming his sentiments of adulation. But as he neared the doorway, he could see the room was bathed in a diffused glow.

The flicker from the small candles bounced off the wall, illuminating Bella's skin. And there was a lot of skin to be seen, too. Edward unconsciously licked his lips as he drank in the virago in front of him. She was dressed only in a see through lace bra and tiny panties that barely covered her most treasured triangle.

Edward couldn't help the reaction from his own treasure. He promptly placed his hands over his growing trouser trombone, in hopes of keeping a small part of his dignity intact. Then, Edward remembered the reason for his haste.

"I love you," he rushed out.

Bella stood blinking for a moment, then rushed at Edward and assaulted him. Her arms flew around his neck and her legs locked around his waist. Bella began raining kisses on Edward's face and neck.

"Oh, Edward, I'm so happy! I love you, and you love me and now we can make love."

Edward had never heard truer words spoken.

O_o

Edward was relieved Bella was already in a state of undress. He didn't have to worry about the awkwardness of disrobing her. But, he was still fully clothed and wasn't entirely sure how to breach his own state of dress.

Thankfully, Bella was ahead of the game. She seductively slithered down Edward's torso and began unbuttoning his shirt. Her hands were so small and perfect. Edward reached down, taking each one in his own hands and kissing her finger tips. The gesture seemed natural and loving. As his lips grazed Bella's freshly painted nails, Edward couldn't help but let his eyes linger on the cleavage that was presented so pleasingly before him.

As he took in Bella's pale flesh, he pictured his dove in a myriad of outfits he'd previously only seen fashioned and modeled in a department store window. One outfit in particular, he'd seen on page four of the Christmas Dreams and Fantasies catalog, sent him into a tailspin of eroticism.

"Edward?" Bella's words pulled him from his fantasy. He couldn't wait any longer to show the woman in front of him how much he wanted her.

"Take me, Bella!"

O_o

The transition from standing bedside, to lying between the sheets was awkward at best for Bella and Edward. Bella had furtively removed her under things once she'd slid under the covers while Edward tried to covertly remove his boxers and retrieving protection from his pants, which were now discarded on the floor. He hadn't really considered the process of placing the condom on, and was suddenly struck dumb with the prospect.

Edward's second intimate encounter was unprotected, but the young woman had been a virgin and was on the pill. Neither party had considered the use of protection, but Edward was checked out later none the less.

In his other sexual encounter with the lovely young professional, who called herself Miss Tammy, had placed the condom on Edward. At the time, he supposed it was typical for a professional such as herself to administer the application to insure accuracy. He hadn't paid much attention to the process due to his inordinate concentration on not ending the encounter before it had even begun.

He had also failed to notice that Miss Tammy also used a special condom, which she called a Magnum. Due to his limited sexual interactions and education, Edward wouldn't have known the difference anyway.

After attempting to tear the packaging with his fingers to no avail, Edward decided to use his teeth. He was becoming extraordinarily impatient, as was Bella which was evident by her watchful eye and fidgeting fingers. He ripped the foil packaging open and removed the lubricated contraceptive.

As Edward fumbled with the sheets, trying to survey the task at hand, Bella curiously leaned in to observe Edward's actions.

Once the condom was out of the wrapper, Edward placed it to the tip of his penis. He understood the general mechanics of application, but the apparatus was slick and difficult to hold on to.

"Edward? Is everything okay?" Bella asked. She could tell he was having a bit of difficulty.

"It doesn't seem to want to roll on…" Edward began.

"Maybe if you unroll it first?" Bella suggested. Edward began to pull the condom from its coiled state. As it unraveled, he realized that perhaps it was much like putting a pillow in a pillowcase. As he tried to slide the condom on, he noticed that it was notably tight. It didn't seem like it should cut off his circulation!

He tugged and pushed…he pulled and stretched, but nothing was working. It just wouldn't go on! It was evident that Edward was rather frustrated as he was turning red and his breathing had become gruff. Then, his nail caught in the upper ring, and the condom tore open.

"Fu- dge…" Edward muttered.

"What's wrong?" Bella asked, wanting to be supportive.

"I think I tore the condom," Edward said, his voice laced with irritation.

"Oh," was Bella's response, disappointment evident in her tone.

"I have another one, though."

Edward tried to slyly exit from the bed and grab the remaining condom from his pants pocket. He made a mental note to have them out and ready on the nightstand for next time…if there was a next time. This had not been his crowning moment so far and he worried Bella would decide he was too inexperienced and too much work.

Realizing he only had one condom left made Edward a bit nervous. He was feeling flustered knowing Bella was witnessing his ineptitude. This time he was careful as he removed the contents of the purple foil. As he placed the rolled condom on his tip, he wondered how much elasticity the rubber had. It didn't seem altogether possible for the product in his hand to stretch over his…equipment.

"Edward? Is everything all right? We don't have to-" Bella asked, concerned by Edward's vacillation between puzzlement and mortification. Of course, this only served to humiliate him further and cause Edward to become slightly flaccid.

Edward shook his head, before blurting out, "No! I want this…with you, Bella." He smiled his biggest smile. Bella understood and wanted to offer whatever assistance she could to get them through the experience.

"Maybe if we add more lubricant…" Bella wondered aloud. "Do you suppose olive oil will work, Edward?"

He was astonished and proud all in the same moment. Not only was Bella clever enough to think of using olive oil, but she was thinking heart smart as well. She was careful with her health and using a low fat alternative, while also getting a healthy dose of omega-3 fatty acids and monounsaturated fats. Edward made a note to compliment her on her food life- style choices at a later time.

Moments later, Bella returned with a bottle in hand. "Okay, maybe just rub it on like lotion?" she said as she poured a small amount of the green oil in the palm of her hand.

Is she going to do it for me? Edward thought to himself.

Bella slowly walked toward Edward on the bed, careful not to spook him. He was reminiscent of a wild animal, sure to bolt at any moment. "Do you want me to…?" Bella questioned, holding her hands out.

Edward slowly peeled back the sheet that had been covering his lap. Bella wasted no time in moving to his side and gathering his appendage in her hands. Her touch was light, but effective. Edward was returning to his rock hard state immediately as well as being covered in slick oil.

"Let's try this again," Edward said as he pulled the second and last condom from its purple Durex wrapper. This time, he was met with a little more success than with his previous attempt. It seemed that using four hands, as opposed to two, was the magic number. While Bella held the tip, Edward used both hands to roll the condom down.

"Edward, pardon me for speaking so frank, but it seems that maybe you have it inside out. It seems to me that it should roll away from itself rather than out of itself.

As Edward glanced down, he knew Bella was right. He wondered momentarily if it was acceptable to use the same condom. Because of Bella's helpful hands, he'd already leaked into the tip. He quickly decided though, that his pre- ejaculate couldn't have any sperm in it and pulled the sheath from him. He was quick to turn it inside out and begin the final process of condom application. The fit was rather snug, and if it had to remain on long, the ill-fitting condom would surely begin to constrict blood flow and feeling.

O_o

After much fumbling and patience, Edward was finally seated fully inside Bella. Her scrunched eyes and tight lips alerted Edward to her discomfort.

"Are you alright, my dove," Edward worried, brushing Bella's hair from her forehead.

"Yes…it's just…well, it's been a while and you are quite…well- you know." Edward did know. He was concerned as well. It was just another notch on his proverbial belt as to why- he wished daily- that he was average.

It had been extraordinarily difficult for him to go slow and ease into Bella gently, when truly; he'd wanted to slam into her unrestrained. "Just go slow," Bella whispered. Edward was happy to oblige, but her request was certainly easier beseeched than completed.

The pair moved in disharmony, trying desperately to make one another feel good. As Bella grew more comfortable, Edward quickened his pace. He was thankful for the extra lubrication the olive oil provided. The condom moved with him providing extra stimulation. Edward had heard many a man in the locker-room grumble about the feel of condoms and how they desensitized the experience. He wasn't inclined to agree. He knew he could feel Bella's warmth each time he pushed forward. He could feel her moisture as it clung to him. Yes, Edward was perfectly happy with condoms. Just thinking about how he felt inside Bella spurred him on further, bringing his climax closer.

At the height of his excitement, Edward thrust forward. His spasm was strong and came with a grunt, then a whimper. He could feel his release, accompanied with the image of his semen decorating the walls deep inside Bella. While the thought may have been disturbing to some, Edward thought of it as a way to claim his mate. He only hoped Bella felt the same.

After a few moments, Edward gathered his wits and turned his attention to his dove. His hands moved swiftly to her most sensitive spot and he began to rub and tickle while he remained semi-erect and still inside her.

"Keep…oh…yes, Edward. Right…ahhh…there…I'm gonna…oh my….."

Bella gave a throaty moan and squeezed her eyes and legs shut. She felt embarrassed as she panted, sounding like a dog in heat. She gave a nervous giggle, and then relaxed her legs and eyelids.

"Thank you, Edward. That was wonderful."

But Edward knew it was a lie. It was terrible. The first thing he planned on doing when he was alone once again was to sharpen his skills via the internet.

He'd yet to discard the condom, and just didn't know of a romantic way to excuse himself to the bathroom. "I have to um…" Edward started, motioning toward the bathroom door.

"Oh! Of course," Bella said, a bit relieved, as she was feeling a bit sticky and knew it would be easier to excuse herself. As soon as Edward disappeared behind the bathroom door, she dashed to the kitchen and retrieved a paper towel. As she cleaned herself, she took note of how messy the sex had been. There was oil, and what she'd assumed to be her copious amounts of arousal, dripping down her inner thigh.

Meanwhile, Edward was tending to his own mess. As he removed the condom, an oddity caught his eye. At first, he thought perhaps there was a wrinkle in the condom as he attempted to remove it without spilling the contents, but that was when he noticed there were no contents…and the oddity in the condom? It wasn't a wrinkle. Edward stared down in disbelief as his stomach plummeted to the floor.

The condom had ripped open…


	12. Chapter 12

**"This benefit of seeing... can come only if you pause a while, extricate yourself from the maddening mob of quick impressions ceaselessly battering our lives, and look thoughtfully at a quiet image... the viewer must be willing to pause, to look again, to meditate." ~Dorothea Lange**

Chapter 12

"Shit, shit, shit…fuck, shit!" Edward mumbled to himself. How the fuck did this happen?

Edward had decided-irrevocably- that he was not going to disclose his prophylactic mishap to Bella.

For several minutes, he'd stood in front of the toilet stool before deciding on his course of action. After much thought, he was sure of what he was going to have to do: he was going to fib. By omitting the details of the ripped condom, he was lying to Bella. He knew this without a doubt, and Edward felt horrible about it, but certainly not horrible enough to fess up.

While he contemplated in the bathroom, Bella sat happily on the bed waiting for her new lover's return. After several minutes, she began to question what could be taking him so long. She crept to the bathroom door and listened intently for any noise that would indicate distress- gastrointestinal or otherwise. But she heard nothing, and tip-toed back to the bed to continue her wait.

As time lingered, her thoughts began to wander once again regarding Edward's absence. Perhaps he'd had second thoughts? Was he feeling ashamed of their tryst? Had he wanted to wait until they were in a more solidified and committed relationship? Perhaps he'd even wanted to wait till they were betrothed!

Fear flashed in Bella's eyes as she thought of the monster she'd become. She'd forced herself on Edward! She thought back to how the evening had unfolded. Bella had charged Edward and accosted him where he stood in her bedroom. She remembered with perfect clarity how she'd attached herself, forcing him to kiss her. She had stripped him naked and thrown him haphazardly on the bed…

Suddenly, panic set in. Bella realized Edward couldn't face her or the shame. He was hiding out in the bathroom, trying to figure out how to make a get away without facing down his attacker! Bella scrambled from the bed and dressed quickly. She made sure to be quite loud, as to alert Edward to her movements. She couldn't wait to vacate the apartment, enabling Edwards' escape.

Bella was ashamed of her actions, and began to cry as she thought of how she'd tortured and bullied poor Edward into sleeping with her. Despite the fact he'd professed his love for her, it hadn't given her a right to force herself upon him the way she had.

She began walking outside, holding herself in the chilly night air. As she walked, the grey mist that hung in the air turned to rain. While Bella had no frame of reference for time, it seemed as though she'd been walking for quite a while. Just then, she saw the brown Volkswagen, which pulled up beside her. At first, her heart leapt into the air thinking that Edward had come to reclaim her, but these elated thoughts were quickly deflated. She remembered Edward had purchased a new car, and no longer owned the old VW Rabbit. Bella wondered who was in the car, then?

O_o

"Bella? Bella, where have you gone?" Edward walked through the apartment looking for his dove, but she was nowhere to be found.

Where oh where could she be? He sang in his head. Edward was relatively sure it wasn't home on the range. As he looked around the apartment, he noticed her purse was still sitting on the kitchen counter with her phone inside, but her jacket was missing from its home on the coat hook.

Edward was in a sudden panic as he wondered where his dove had gone to. Things had seemed so tranquil when he exited the bedroom to the bathroom. Could Bella have known about the ripped condom? Had she waited for him to admit the mishap, and been disappointed when he didn't alert her right away? Could she have fled her apartment in anger? Perhaps he'd been too rough during their love making?

Edward stood, looking around the small apartment feeling quite despondent. With a heavy gait and an even heavier heart,

he dressed himself shabbily and exited Bella's apartment without any further pomp or circumstance, heading for his home.

It was only an hour earlier that Edward had been thinking about his home becoming Bella's home as well. While he knew it was very early in their relationship to be having such thoughts, he didn't much care. He knew he loved Bella and would do whatever was within his means to make her happy. He'd told her that he loved her, and in his book that was the same as harnessing the moon and the stars.

As Edward drove in the dreary rain in the new car he'd purchased especially for his dove, a plan began to form to capture and keep her. Edward had given too much time and effort for the insatiable Ms. Swan, and he wasn't willing to give her up quite yet.

O_o

Phil couldn't have been happier with his new purchase. He'd been witness to Edward's homecoming in his brand new car that morning. Edward had exited the vehicle with a large smile, rivaled only by his admission to Phil recalling his first kiss with the brunette girl. Edward had referenced her name several times, but since she wasn't available to Phil, he wasn't interested in the details.

It hadn't mattered to Phil that the passenger side window was stuck in a slightly rolled down position. It didn't concern Phil that the paint was peeling away from many of the car's surfaces, and it didn't make him the least bit uneasy that the car made a loud banging sound when it came to a stop …No, Phil was a free man. He had transportation- wheels- for the first time since moving away from his parents ten years ago.

He decided he was taking his new car out on the town for a cruise. Little did Phil know that it was not a popular past-time in their small town, and he looked like he was lost driving up and down Main Street several times. As Phil contemplated other ways in which he could utilize his new mode of transport, he noticed a young woman walking along the side of the road. As he slowed and began to pass, he identified her as the brunette that Edward had brought home a few times.

Instantly, Phil thought it was his lucky day. Surely, any lady friend of Edward's would be a lady friend to him. He stopped the car and rolled down the driver's side window. "Hey, Girlie!" Phil shouted. The weather worn woman turned sheepishly toward the shout with her eyebrows raised in surprise.

"Me?" Bella asked as she pointed to herself.

"Yeah, you. You're a friend of Edward's, right?"

"Have we met? I think I would remember meeting you. And why do you have Edward's car?"

Phil recognized that Bella was quite the inquisitive woman. She was full of questions and tenacity. It also meant she had a little fight in her. A salacious grin crept across Phil's face as he thought about how much he enjoyed a tiger in the sack.

"Aren't you full of twenty questions? Why don't you let me give you a ride?"

"My father told me never to accept rides or candy from strangers." He huffed, recognizing that the whole exchange was growing tiresome.

Just get in the car, Girlie! Phil shouted in his head.

Bella appeared to be warring with herself. She was gnawing on her lip like a rabbit chewing a carrot. Little did she know that Phil found rabbits to be rather sexy…Recently, he'd even participated in a Furry Fetish with a lady friend. She'd dressed as a rabbit while he'd dressed as a lion.

As Bella looked up to the sky, she realized that Phil couldn't be that much of a danger. He lived next to Edward after all. Bella, soaked to the bone from the falling rain, hopped in to the old familiar car. She smiled, at the fond memories that had taken place here.

"Sorry I was so rude Phil, but you understand my reticence. One can't be too careful in this day and age." Bella knew all too well that the most innocent gesture could be construed as an act of physical aggression, and a lady could be thought of as a common strumpet because of one moment of weakness.

"It's no bother, Miss." Since Phil had failed to pay any attention to Edward's conversations regarding the pretty young lady sitting next to him, he didn't know her name. He hoped his feeble attempt at formality graced him with the gift of her name.

"None of that Miss business. That's what my students call me. You can call me Bella." Phil nodded and smiled, feeling victorious. He then wondered if everything about Bella was going to be this easy.

"So where are you headed this evening?"

"Oh boggle! I don't know. I can't really go home…" Bella paused, not knowing how to continue.

"Why can't you go home? What about going to Edward's?"

Bella took a large breath before answering. "That's just it. I can't go home because Edward is there. I'm afraid I've done

something absolutely terrible, Phil." As the brown VW Rabbit ambled down the street, Bella poured her heart out to her new found friend, Phil.

O_o

Edward almost had everything he needed ready. Luckily for him, he was able to hunt down one of his favorite 80's movies on YouTube. It had been awhile since he'd seen the film in question and he wanted to make sure he got the scene just right.

One of the discoveries he'd made about Bella was that they shared a common love of all things from the 80's, including cult classic 80's movies. They often quoted movie lines to each other from their favorite films and would laugh as they asked each other, "Anyone…Anyone?"

Edward pulled on his beige raincoat, and then grabbed the bag which contained the rest of his props for his proposal, heading out the door and driving in the direction of Bella's apartment once again.

O_o

"What on EARTH would make you think I was that kind of girl?" Bella shouted at Phil. She continued to push him away with all her might, frustrated and angry with the entire notion of the assumption which Phil had just perpetrated upon her. She exited the car quickly and ran toward the front door of her apartment building, never looking back. She felt disgusting and the only thing she felt a need for at that moment was a scalding hot shower.

As Bella stood under the steaming mist of water coming from her sub-par showerhead, she thought back to how her evening had ended.

After spilling her heart to Phil regarding Edward and her vicious attack on him, he'd provided his sympathies, and then moved himself over Bella in the passenger seat. He was like an excited puppy welcoming its owner home after a long day of loneliness. His tongue was all over her face and the mere thought of his wet mouth on her made her shiver, despite the calescent temperature in her bathroom.

As Bella exited to her bedroom, her skin scorched pink, she heard the faint musical vocals of one Mr. Peter Gabriel. The mere thought of him made her think back to Edward. The tears welled in her eyes once again and the soft notes trailed in from her living room window.

In your eyes-the light the heat in your eyes I am complete in your eyes I see the doorway to a thousand churches

She was so close with Edward. All her dreams and fantasies had been within arm's reach earlier that evening, but now it was all shattered. Bella knew there would never be another for her and so she'd accepted adopting several more cats and acquiescing to her lot in life as a lonely spinster.

Still wrapped in her towel, Bella decided to investigate the source of the song. She assumed that it was her neighbors congregating in the common area for an impromptu barbeque as they often did. As she neared her living-room window and peered out, a gasp leapt from Bella's throat.

"What the…?" Bella said quietly to herself.

Her hand flew up to meet with her open mouth, stifling a small giggle. Her throat burned deep as her eyes took in the scene before her. She couldn't believe what she was seeing! It was something straight out of a movie…literally!

There, three floors down from her living-room window stood Edward. He wore a calf length beige raincoat and held a large radio in his hands above his head. Peter Gabriel was blaring from its speakers while Edward sang along…singing to Bella. At least she hoped it was her and not the tenant in the apartment below her. While Dani was a perfectly lovely woman, Bella hoped that Edward hadn't moved on already, especially with the bawdy woman below.

As soon as Edward noticed Bella's form in the window, a smile broke across his face. Bella found herself rushing from her apartment and down to the courtyard below. Edward hadn't been angry with her. He loved her and had best expressed his feelings in a re-enactment of the critically acclaimed film featuring Mr. John Cusack.

When Bella reached the lawn, she sprinted across the grass and jumped into Edward's waiting arms. He'd only put the radio down a second before, readying himself for the terrycloth covered woman dashing for him. He had to admit he was growing used to Bella jumping into his arms on a regular basis.

"Edward! I'm so sorry! I love you and I never want to hurt you," Bella began, winded from her run. "I can't believe I attacked you-" but Edward cut her off. He didn't want to hear another word. The fact that Bella clung to him-in her bath towel-in front of her apartment building, was enough to convince Edward of her devotion to him. The pair kissed, but all too soon they realized that it was cold and raining and Bella's lack of dress was becoming more than a minor inconvenience. She was

chilled to the bone, and Edward was not fond of his woman being on display for the entire complex.

The twosome rushed inside, eager to pick up where they'd left off. As soon as the door to Bella's apartment was closed, Edward started in.

"Bella! Please forgive me! I didn't mean to be dishonest! I was just shocked. And if I was too rough with you…well, I just don't know how I'll live with myself knowing I may have hurt you…"

Bella placed her hand on Edward's face, still streaked with moisture from the rain. "Edward, I have no idea what you could possibly be upset about, or what you think you lied about! It was I who was the ruffian during our love-making!"

Edward laughed to himself, thinking about the odd turn of events and misunderstandings that had taken place.

"Bella, it's safe to say that there has been confusion on both our parts, but rest assured that I love you more each moment I spend with you."

"Oh, Edward! I can't think of any words that ring more true. Let's just put all this behind us?" With a wiggle of her eye brows, Bella added, "Let's re-create our night together and forget everything bad that's happened."

"I can't think of anything I'd rather do more. But Bella? There is one more thing I must tell you before we enter into a clear slate…

"Bella, you need to know…I think you are pregnant."


	13. Chapter 13

**"Where there is perhaps a province in which the photograph can tell us nothing more than what we see with our own eyes, there is another in which it proves to us how little our eyes permit us to see." ~Dorothea Lange**

Chapter 13

After Bella assured Edward that she'd had her cycle the previous week and, therefore, it was impossible for her to be pregnant, the new dove birds retreated back to Bella's bed. They spent the rest of the evening, and much of the next morning, recreating their special moment.

O_o

Bella lay awake in the early morning hours savoring the sudden turn her life had taken, thinking of the fact that she had a boyfriend; a full-fledged, living, breathing human man who returned her adulation. However, she hated the term boyfriend. It sounded so callow and fatuous, so she'd taken to acquainting herself with the spanish word for boyfriend instead: Novio. While it was in fact saying the same thing- just in a different language, it sounded more sophisticated and cultivated. As the term rolled around in her head, she settled upon introducing it to Edward later during breakfast…that is, if they made it to breakfast…

"I love that we can be like this with each other," Bella said to Edward a few hours later as they lay together like a hotdog wrapped in its bun, kept warm with ketchup, mustard and relish.

Edward had noted that he cherished their time together as well, for he also realized he wouldn't see Bella again for several days. He detested the lingering absence and told Bella so. She had parent-teacher conferences several evenings the following week, and wouldn't be available for a rendezvous with her new Novio.

"I will miss you this week, my little dove," Edward said lovingly, rubbing his nose against Bella's. He'd always thought Eskimo kisses were libidinous, and couldn't believe he'd finally apprehended a woman with which to share them.

The pair finally parted company after a lengthy goodbye where, "No, you go first," and, "No, you leave first," were uttered several times. Finally, Lori, Bella's peevish neighbor inserted herself into the conversation by stepping into the hallway and demanding the two part ways before she got the fire hose and turned it on them.

With one last kiss, Edward and Bella finally parted ways, both lamenting their impending separation.

O_o

As Bella sat eating her banana at lunch the following Monday, she couldn't help but think of Edward, and the intimate moments they'd shared over the weekend. As she took a petite bite off the tip of the yellow fruit, Miss Tammy's advice flashed unbidden through her mind.

"...to achieve the most powerful orgasm, it is preferable to begin your encounter with teasing. You can start by kissing and licking the-"But Bella was unable to finish reminiscing as her thoughts were cut short.

"Hey, Girlie," the familiar, yet annoying voice rang out as she felt a hand clamp down on her shoulder.

"Whah..." Bella couldn't form a complete or coherent word as she stared up like a cow caught in headlights. She didn't want to believe who was standing in front of her-in the teacher's lounge-in her place of employment on her lunch break.

"Ph...Phil..." she stuttered. "Why are you here?"

"I'm filling in for coach Semus," Phil responded with a wide smile. Bella was confused momentarily, but soon remembered that the PE teacher had fallen backward onto a hard, orange plastic traffic cone. It had occurred during his last class of the day Friday, thus receiving a rather incommodious injury.

"Youare filling in for Poly?" Bella responded with trepidation. Considering the nature of the injury Poly Semus had received, it would be a couple weeks before walking would be in the realm of possibilities for the trauma-laden PE teacher.

As she stared up at the human form in front of her (and she meant human in loose terms), Bella couldn't believe her luck, or lack thereof. Not only had Phil made the moves on her, but now she was going to have to see his smug hippopotamus face every day while Poly recuperated! As Bella closed her eyes and took a deep breath, she did something she'd never done before. She mentally looked to the heavens, and gave God the finger.

"But…how?" she stumbled.

"Poly is an old friend of mine," Phil said in a suggestive tone and a wink. "I work as a substitute for the district. I typically only take jobs at the high school; more divorced gals over there, you know. And the kids can do stuff for themselves, no class trips to the bathroom or whatever. But when Poly called me up and told me about the job here, with you-well, I couldn't say no, now could I?"

Bella was left speechless. He could have most certainly said no. Phil had done this on purpose! Suddenly, a news clip from several years previous played in Bella's head. She pictured a young Nancy Kerrigan, sitting on the floor wailing, "Why…why me…?"

Bella wondered the exact same thing.

As the lunch bell sounded, she made her escape away from Phil and back to the lunchroom to collect her charges. She hastened the children into a line and proceeded back to her room, where she was about to begin a science lesson about the birds and the bees, literally.

As the children cut out pictures of roses, sparrows and bumblebees, the class discussed the basic process of fertilization and how pollination occurred.

Ever the astute young man, Eric posed the first question. "Miss Swan? But how does the flower get pregnant?"

Bella was dumbfounded at first as there hadn't been any mention of the word "pregnant." She thought for a moment, trying to find a simple explanation that would both placate and answer the complicated question.

"Well," Bella began, then picked up the flower and tacked it to the board, proceeding to illustrate the rudimentary elements of pollination with construction paper models and hand motions.

"But what if the flower doesn't want to be pregnant Miss Bella?" Eric continued in earnest, "My mom said it was all my dad's fault that she was pregnant again because he was too stupid to wear a raincoat. Will my raincoat keep me from getting pregnant, Miss Swan?" Bella groaned internally, but forged on. It was a teachable moment, and Miss Swan never wasted an occasion such as this.

Thirty minutes later, as the children lined up for recess, Bella brushed the hair out of her eyes and plopped in her chair unceremoniously. She was exhausted! Who knew that pollination would be so confusing to explain to a room full of six year-olds? The impromptu lesson had done one thing, however. It reminded Bella that she needed to make an appointment with her lady doctor for an exam and general work-up. With as much sex as she and Edward had been having, she knew it was only responsible to have a full panel of STD test and to get on some form of birth control. It would certainly make things easier for their spontaneous love sessions.

As Bella spoke with the receptionist at Dr. Gupta's office, she was surprised to learn that the nurse practitioner just had a cancellation and could fit her in that very afternoon. Perhaps something was going to go right in Bella's day after all.

O_o

Edward sat at his laptop, gleefully clicking away on link after link. He'd stumbled onto a few different websites of educational value when he googled the term, "sex help." The first site was for sex addiction, and while Edward felt he wasn't there quite yet, he could understand how it could be quite addictive. The second link was sex education for teens. While his knowledge on the subject seemed rather basic, he didn't want to patronize a site that was fundamental in its explanation of the human body. As Edward continued to scroll through the list, noting a video for a woman having trouble with anal intercourse, he realized that perhaps, "sex help" wasn't the most appropriate term for his search. Instead he typed in, "sex tips," and was rewarded with a more helpful host of choices. He finally decided on a site, Sexinfo101, to begin his edification.

At first glance, he was simply amazed at the supply and variety of information gathered in one place. He could learn about different sex toys, video production, even erotic books and audio that was available for purchase; all located on one convenient website! Edward continued to scroll down the page, his eyes widening in amazement as topic after topic appeared. Then, he came to the mother of all topics: Sex positions.

His fingers lingered over the mouse pad before he finally clicked on a picture of an undressed man and woman on a couch. But Edward wasn't prepared for what appeared on the screen next.

"Holy geezuz," he uttered as the picture began its three dimensional animated model. "You can see…" Edward paused and looked around his living room to see if anyone was looking. Logically, he knew he was alone in his own home, but that didn't ease the anxiety he felt at looking at such graphic depictions.

Edward checked to make sure that Henri and Dorothea's delicate eyes weren't spying the lascivious contents of the computer screen. Then, Edward clicked the next picture entitled, "Acrobat." As he watched the screen in front of him, he squinted and leaned forward, trying to take in as much detail as possible.

"She sure is flexible," Edward muttered to himself.

Never the less, he took note of the rhythm and movement of the anime couple before him. After watching that particular animation for several moments, he clicked back and began exploring other video depictions. He noted that there was an entire section dedicated to oral gratification, and Edward was determined to explore those positions in as much detail as all the others. Pleasing his dove was his utmost concern, and he intended to please her as often as she would allow!

After perusing for a few moments, Edward came across one position that stopped him dead in his tracks. "Holy bassanova!" he exclaimed. He used the zoom feature on his computer and enlarged the model until it filled the screen.

On display before him was a man positioned at the side of the bed, his feet placed on the floor. "The Mastery- Suspended, huh?" Edward blushed as he thought of doing such a thing with his delicate dove. His thoughts were instantly pornographic, but he wasn't sure if that was indeed something Bella would be interested in. She'd seemed somewhat adventurous the past weekend when he'd mentioned wanting to try different positions, so her acceptance of such a task would seem likely. But Edward wanted to be careful not to push too far, too fast. They would stick with missionary as long as Bella needed.

After taking several deep breaths and once again checking his surroundings for invisible voyeurs, Edward typed in a new search. While the Sex101 had been extremely helpful, he was ready for something a bit more…realistic.

"Here goes nothing," he said to himself while hitting the enter key on the keyboard.

"Oh!" Edward choked out as his search results filled the screen: 214,000,000 results? For porn? He was having a hard time- pun intended- processing the sheer number of results. Where was one to even start? No wonder the degradation of America was occurring at such a rapid pace, while its gross domestic production was declining. Everyone was watching porn instead of working, it seemed.

Results like youporn, pornhubandbookshelfporn were returned results. Edward sat back in his chair and took a deep breath. He wasn't even sure where to start. He resituated himself in the chair, getting comfortable. He was going to be there for a while if he had 214 million results to wander through.

Edward clicked on the first link, steadying himself for his new life as a sexual deviant. After a bit of inspection, he came across a category for vintage videos. Mumbling to himself that, "They don't make 'em like they used to…" Edward clicked and settled in for the evening.

o_O

Bella's doctor's appointment had gone as expected. She came- no pun intended- she saw, she conquered…the stirrups and the scoot down, that is. She left the office with a smile and a note from the nurse that they would call if there was a problem with any of her labs. In this case, no news was good news.

The remaining evenings that week were dedicated to meetings with parents and discovering that her problem students often seemed to have problem parents. The school week couldn't come to an end soon enough, as Friday would be the first opportunity Bella would have to see Edward. They'd had brief phone conversations and a few racy texting sessions, but the pair remained sight unseen til Friday afternoon.

In light of the fact that Bella had a half day from school, Edward took a half day of vacation as well. If their plans held true, they would spend it reconnecting.

Bella took one last look around her apartment before responding to the knock at her door. Candles lit: check; Sparkling cider: check; naughty lingerie: CHECK!

Not wanting to open the door to a stranger while she was dressed in her finest unmentionables, Bella checked the peep hole; the unmistakable mop of hair waiting on the other side. Eager to reunite with her lover and reconnect, Bella flung the door open.

Edward immediately pounced, unable to wait another moment to hold his dove in his arms. He snuggled close, running his nose and mouth along Bella's jaw and neck. Bella attempted to stifle her giggle, but it was proven unsuccessful. Edward pulled away, a confused grin on his face.

"Edward! It tickles," Bella said motioning toward his lips.

Edward ran his thumb and index finger across his new facial accessory. "You like?" he asked in earnest.

"Uh…" was all Bella was able to respond. Edward grimaced, unsure of whether Bella was a fan of his mustache.

"Well, I saw a few films last weekend and a young actor named Billie Burka wore a mustache. I thought it was quite fetching," he responded in defense of hairy upper lip.

"Edward, what kind of films were you watching? The mustache hasn't been popular since the 70's!"

Suddenly, Edward felt a bit sheepish. He recalled that he'd been watching the vintage films on Youporn. Many of them had been from the 70's and 80's, characterized by the copious amounts of hair…everywhere… on the actors. Edward sighed, marking another invisible "x" in the "blunder" column, but was determined not to let a little mishap with his 'stache

cloud the impending weekend. A razor and a few minutes would take care of said problem; still Edward was reconciled to trying at least one thing before he rid himself of the hair appendage.

"Bella, I'll get rid of my lip beard, but first I was hoping you might let me see if it tickles you in a more…privatearea," Edward finished with a mischievous smile.

With a giggle and a squeal, Bella took off for the bedroom, and without missing a beat- Edward followed suit with a gleam in his eye and a twitch in his mustache.

O_o

"Well, that is certainly peculiar," nurse Bripete thought aloud as she looked at the test results in front of her.

"Dr. Flores. I think there is something you should see. We have some of the labs back from Monday's appointments."

Dr. Flores walked quietly toward his favorite nurse. After all, nurse Bripete was very loyal, hardworking and…dedicated to Dr. Flores. "Bring them to my office and close the door," his voice rang down the hallway.

Dr. Flores looked up from the chart he was inspecting when he heard the lock click on his office door.

"Hmmm, you doctor, have been a baad boooy!" nurse Bripete said as she clawed at her chest. She couldn't wait to give the doctor his punishment.

"Ohhh, nurse Bripete!" The two medical professional clashed together in a heated embrace, kissing and ripping clothing. It had been too long since they'd last succumbed to the temptation of the other.

Crocs and white coats were flying about the room, and peculiar test results were forgotten in lieu of a forbidden affair.

"Doctor…is that a stethoscope in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Dr. Flores just snickered and resumed his assault on nurse Bripete's chest.

Nurse Bripete never wanted her reputation called into question, so the test results she'd brought in to discuss with Dr. Flores were still at the back of her mind. She paused the dance like rhythm of their bodies, calling the doctor to question.

"What…oh God…about…holy moly…the test…right there…results…yes, yes, YES!"

As the pair finished their tryst, Doctor Flores said something nurse Bripete had been dying to hear. "Come home with me. I can't let you go. Let the files, test results and the patients all go to hell. Let's just stay in bed all weekend."

They were words the young nurse had longed to hear. She gathered herself and her clothing, ready to continue their rendezvous. "Should I let Lacey know we won't be in tomorrow? Oh- and what about Miss Swans test results?"

"I will call in and tell Lacey to reschedule all our appointments for tomorrow for another time. And don't worry about Miss Swan's test results. I'm sure it's something that will wait until Monday morning."


	14. Chapter 14

**"Above all, I craved to seize the whole essence, in the confines of one single photograph, of some situation that was in the process of unrolling itself before my eyes." ~Henri Cartier-Bresson**

Chapter 14

Nurse Bripete knew that if she were to receive the same news as Miss Swan, she'd want to know sooner rather than later. It was taking all her strength to not bolt from Dr. Flores' bed and race to the phone. They'd shared a wonderful night together, as well as an active morning. However, since nurse Bripete couldn't let go of her guilt. She knew she had to call Bella Swan.

"Doctor Flores?" nurse Bripete began.

"Briana, please. Call me Art." Briana was well aware of the doctor's first name, and that it was short for Arturo, but she'd never been given the privilege of addressing him as such.

"Yes, of course, Art…sorry."

Doctor Flores stroked Briana's face with a single finger, intent on enticing her into making love to him once again. "What were you wondering, my sweet?"

"Well, it's Miss Swan's test results. I tried to speak with you about them yesterday before we became…distracted."

"Yes, I recall. What about them has you so concerned?"

Nurse Bripete was immediately back in her professional nurse mode. "Well, sir, despite the fact that we ran a basic STD panel, we also did a standard blood panel, and since Miss Swan was inquiring about an IUD implant… well, she came back with an elevated HCG level."

The look on Dr. Flores' face said it all. "Well, I suppose a positive test is important news, isn't it, Nurse?" Nurse Bripete knew that Doc-…Art was very stimulated at the prospect of role play, even if playing Doctor wasn't all that adventurous of a scenario.

Nurse Bripete gathered her sexiest porn star voice, "Why yes, Doctor, yes it is."

Doctor Flores acquiesced and excused nurse Bripete from bed with the promise of her immediate return once she'd concluded her call with Miss Swan.

O_o

"I think it's a practical choice, Edward."

"It seems a little invasive, though, to have a piece of plastic implanted into your uterus. Why not take the traditional route of birth control pills? You are a responsible young woman, Miss Swan. I would suggest you take it with your Flintstone each morning," Edward finished, with a playful look in his eyes and a slight twitch in his mustache.

He knew a woman's body and fertility were her choice, but he wanted Bella to know that he was committed to healthy choices, and not afraid to discuss intimate issues. He also wanted her to know that he was well aware of her sophomoric taste in vitamins. However, to Edward, it was just another thing to cherish about his inamorata.

"Oh, Edward! You jester! Don't think I didn't notice the fruit rollups in your pantry!" Bella coltishly chided.

The pair continued to giggle and gaily combat one another, for they both cherished the playful nature and comfort the other possessed in the bedroom. They'd had such a rocky start and each party was afraid their intimacy would never be anything but awkward.

"Bella? Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, Edward, anything!"

"Well, in my research, I found a few things I think I…you…might like to try. I feel a bit like a deviant for asking but, well…you mean so much to me. I feel like I can be honest and share myself with you, Bella Swan and…"

Bella understood Edward's pause to be a way to gather his wits. He was somewhat embarrassed about the topic he was

about to broach; this she could plainly see.

"Perhaps if I show you…" Edward began again, motioning to the laptop on the dresser. He slid from the bed, in full denuded glory, and scampered to retrieve the computer. While Edward wasn't ashamed of his body, per se, he was by no means an exhibitionist either. Plus, the apartment was a bit chilly. Bella had been impressed with his proportions previously and he didn't want her to see what a little chill in the air could do to a fellow.

He quickly jumped back between the warm sheets, settling in next to Bella. He opened the laptop and entered the address. He knew it by heart, and quickly tapped it out before hitting Enter. Bella watched the screen closely over his shoulder, anxious to find out what had Edward grappling for words and turning shades of raspberry; she didn't have to wait long.

"Oh my!" Bella said, a bit shocked with the depiction in front of her. It was an image of a man's face between a woman's spread legs.

Edward was a giddy schoolboy as he responded. "I know, but that's not even the best one! Look at this." Edward clicked on the word Exotic in the left column.

"Wow, they really make use of all the furniture in a home, don't they?" Bella responded, as Edward scrolled through the various illustrations on the page. There were several positions taking place on the bed, a couch, chair, ottoman and even a swing apparatus.

Just as Bella was about to ask him to open a position entitled: Sitting Bull, her phone rang. She glanced at the caller ID on the bedside table.

Briana Bripete.

The only Bripete that Bella knew was nurse Bripete. But why would she call from her private phone?

Concerned with the oddity of the call, Bella answered. "Hello, Bella Swan speaking."

"Bella, thank goodness I've caught you. It's nurse Bripete, from Dr. Flores' office?"

"Yes, yes. How are you this afternoon?"

"Good. I'm sorry about calling you from my private line, but I'm not in the office today, and we got your blood work back. I wanted to touch base with you regarding the results as soon as possible."

Bella was suddenly very nervous. Scenarios swiftly began flitting through her head as to what the lab had found.

Oh God! It was an STD panel. I've got the CLAP!

Edward could sense Bella's rising panic. "Who is it, my dove?"

"Oh, gosh, Edward! It's the doctor's office," Bella clipped while covering the mouthpiece of her phone. "They have my blood results and its terrible news! I'm infected!" Bella shouted in hysterics.

"Miss Swan? No Miss Swan, no… you are not-" But Bella wasn't responsive.

"Bella!" nurse Bripete shouted into the phone. She wasn't in the habit of yelling at her patients, but Miss Swan was being a bit frantic.

"You do not have an infection! Take a deep breath," nurse Bripete assured.

A few moments passed where the nurse could hear Bella practicing deep breathing exercises.

Well, she is already halfway through the Lamaze course, nurse Bripete thought.

The news was like a piano falling 10 stories. The words tipped slowly from nurse Bripete's mouth, gaining momentum before crashing into Bella's ears.

"Miss Swan. You're pregnant."

O_o

"There's no need to call 9-1-1, sir. Just elevate her feet and get a cool compress. She will wake up in a few moments," nurse Bripete assured Edward. He was a bit peeved at the woman on the other end, because she'd obviously delivered news that had dismayed his precious dove. It had to be something pretty momentous to garner her fainting response. While it wasn't in his nature to be rude, he was certainly terse in his response. He thanked the nurse, and then ended the call.

He was worried about Bella. What on earth did the nurse tell her that caused her to faint?

"Edwar…" Bella whispered, struggling to regain conciseness.

"Bab…can't see. No…"

"Bella, I don't know what you are saying!"

After a few more seconds, Bella had gained enough of a frame of mind to complete a thought.

"The computer, Edward! The baby can't see it…see that! Close it! Oh God, we are already letting the baby watch porn!

Edward shook his head; ready to call nurse Bripete back and tell her Bella was suffering from delusions.

"Bella, what are you talking about? Does your head hurt? Are you injured anywhere? You fainted. Are you okay?"

Bella gasped as Edward finished his inquisition, her hands forming a protective barrier over her stomach.

It was at that moment that Edward put two and two together.

"Bella? Are you…"

O_o

"No, I understand. There's no need to call 9-1-1, Miss Swan. Just elevate his feet and get a cool compress. He will wake up in a few moments," nurse Bripete assured Bella.

"Okay, thanks for your help. Sorry for bothering you again. We've just had some rather…well, shocking news."

"It's no problem, Miss Swan. Please be sure and call into the office first thing Monday morning to set your first appointment, alright?"

Bella thanked nurse Bripete and went to retrieve a cold compress from the freezer. She knew exactly how Edward was feeling. Blind-sided hadn't begun to cover it. As Bella sat stroking Edward's face, she thought briefly about how this had happened. She could have sworn that she had her period only a little over a week ago. I thought you couldn't get pregnant until 14 days after your period! Stupid Luteal cycles!

Not to mention they had used protection. But never the less it had in fact happened, and there was nothing to be done about it now.

As Bella sat on the floor next to a comatose Edward, she had a sudden vision of a baby with her lover's eyes and hair. She couldn't help the small smile that twitched on her lips. While this hadn't been in her five year plan, she also couldn't deny that sometimes fate worked in mysterious ways.

"Femblys…" Edward mumbled, alerting Bella to the fact that he was stirring.

"Did you have a nice nap, sweetheart?" Bella asked.

Edward moaned, wiping his eyes, hoping to clear away the confusion. He looked around briefly, wondering how he'd ended up supine on the floor. Bella brushed his hair from his face, a look of complete adoration etched in her features. As Edward looked into his dove's eyes, he knew the past couple of hours hadn't been a dream. Ready or not, Bella and Edward were going to become parents.

O_o

Now fully clothed, Edward and Bella sat facing each other on the sofa. Their postures were slightly rigid, but given the circumstances, that was not entirely surprising. They had been sitting this way for ten minutes, stealing glances at one another and then quickly looking away.

"So…" Edward finally started, giving a slight head bob.

"So…" Bella answered, returning the gesture.

The exchange quickly evaporated as they sank back into awkward silence for another twenty minutes.

"Bella?"

"Yes, Edward."

"I understand if you are hesitant about birthing, and then raising a child. But you should know I can do this on my own. I don't expect anything from you."

Bella couldn't help the giggle that escaped her. She suddenly thought she was starring in a Lifetime movie. And wait, wasn't the woman supposed to say that to the man?

"Edward, I know this is unexpected. And we have quite a lot to discuss, but know that I will not be handing my child over to you."

Edward immediately shrank into the couch. He was devastated that Bella didn't want his participation in the life of their child. He closed his eyes, brows knitted together while a feeling of tightness overwhelmed his chest; then felt a hand softly caress his fingers.

"Edward, please look at me."

He reluctantly looked up, worry marring his angelic face. Bella hated that he was feeling any kind of negative connotation regarding the blessing of a child.

"Sweetheart, I was hoping we could do this together. A child is a reason to celebrate, and despite the unexpected nature of its inception, it is a great bestowment."

Edward smiled, thinking Bella couldn't have matched his own sentiments any more perfectly.

"Bella, you don't know how happy it makes me to hear you say that. I was so afraid you wouldn't want this with me. I know we have only begun our relationship, but the moment I saw your breasts in my studio, you were the woman I knew was meant to make all my dreams come true."

Bella leapt into Edward arms, hugging him tightly. There was so much ahead of the bumbling pair, but Bella and Edward both knew they would do it together.

"Well, I guess we know what we have to do next."

"Yes, nurse Bripete told me I needed to schedule my first prenatal exam."

"No, I meant that I needed to call the Judge. We'll need to get married right away, Bella."

"Oh, well, I guess I hadn't thought of that. But Edward, you know that my father has a shotgun, right?"

"Yes, well had I done this properly, there would be no shotgun wedding, now would there?"

"No, I suppose not," Bella answered. But something was still nagging in the back of her mind, and she couldn't let it go.

"Edward? How do you think this happened, anyway? We used protection."

Edward was frozen in fear from Bella's quandary. He'd imagined he'd never have to speak of that day again, but it seemed that he was going to have a reminder- for the rest of his life, no less- that he'd been untruthful to Bella.

"Well, Bella…you see…um…here's the thing…"

* * *

A/N: Well, folks...what's up with Awkward jumping the gun...a little much perhaps? It seems par for the course (for these two idiots anyway).


	15. Chapter 15

**To photograph is to hold one's breath, when all faculties converge to capture fleeting reality. It's at that precise moment that mastering an image becomes a great physical and intellectual joy. ~Henri Cartier-Bresson**

Chapter 15

"Edward? How do you think this happened, anyway? We used protection."

Edward froze in fear from Bella's quandary. He imagined he'd never have to speak of that day again, but it seemed he was going to have a reminder for the rest of his life, and that he'd been untruthful and careless with Bella.

"Well, Bella…you see…um…here's the thing…" Edward winced at what he was about to admit. He placed his hands over his balls and took a deep breath.

"The condom broke, and we weren't supposed to use olive oil as a lubricant!" he said in a rush.

Bella sat blinking for several moments, processing what she'd just heard. Edward confessed he thought she could be pregnant the previous week, but hadn't said why. She had assured its impossibility based on her menstrual cycle, and that was the end of the conversation.

He tried to tell me then, and I didn't listen! Bella's conscience whispered.

"The condom broke?" Bella repeated.

"Yes," Edward answered, stiffening his hands and fortifying his protective groin barrier.

"And olive oil…is not supposed to be used to make things…easier?"

"No."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Bella shouted.

Edward was bracing himself for her onslaught of anger.

"You knew!" rang another shout. Bella was furious and the ruddy color of her face confirmed it.

Edward knew there wasn't an answer that would pacify Bella at the moment, so he tried a different approach.

"Remember, Bella, babies are a blessing. You said yourself that they were miracles and should be cherished." However, his methods to thwart her anger toward him were unsuccessful.

"Don't you try and finesse this, Edward Cullen. I'm a master at reading manipulation. I teach kindergarten, remember? That condom broke, and you knew it!"

While Edward was dismayed at his failed attempt to assuage Bella's fury , he wasn't thwarted entirely. He aimed at a different approach. "Just think, Bella. Now it doesn't matter. We don't need to use any protection! You're already pregnant, and it's not like you can get pregnant again."

Edward was pleased with himself at the reasonable argument he'd presented. A bright smile spread across his face, showing how satisfied he was with his argument. What he'd failed to realize was Bella was holding a book in her hand.

"Arrrggggghh!" Bella grunted, and then bolted off the couch.

"Edward Cullen! That is the worst rationale I've ever heard. And let me tell you something, Mister," Bella threatened in an unyielding tone, "If you have hopes of ever touching this again-" Bella motioned up and down her body. "You'd better get rid of the fucking mustache!" The book she was holding was now flying across the room and headed straight for Edward's head. He ducked a mere instant before the hardcover flew past his ear.

Bella turned quickly and stomped down the hallway to her bedroom, leaving the f-bomb released into the air, hanging overhead like a blanket of fog .

Edward flinched as the door slammed shut behind her. With a long sigh, he pulled out his phone, looking for the number to a certain balloon bouquet artist. He brought the number up from his history and saved it to his address book. He had a feeling that he was going to need the service, and frequently!

He also knew that his first act of contrition was going to be removing his beloved mustache. It had become a part of him in the short time he'd worn it, and it pained him to shave it. He'd taken to looking in the mirror with his Aviator sunglasses, quoting lines from his favorite actor: Mr. David Caruso. CSI: Miami was one of Edward's preferred programs of choice.

O_o

Now that he was clean-shaven, and a bit of time had elapsed to allow Bella to calm her ire, Edward approached the hormonal love of his life with hesitant strides.

She lay on the bed, face down, her delicate shoulders shaking. It pained Edward to see her crying. Her pain was his pain, and it tore at his heartstrings. All he wanted to do was make it better.

Just as he approached the side of the bed, Edward heard a snort. He was very familiar with this snort because it was one of Bella's quirky characteristics he loved so much.

"Bella, are you…laughing?" Edward didn't understand. She was so upset and angry—how could she be laughing?

She sat up, looking cautiously at her beloved. "Yes. I have to call my parents, Edward, and tell them. Do you know how my father will react? You are a dead man. If I were a better companion, I might fear for your safety. However, at this moment, I find the idea of my father ripping your balls off with his bare hands somewhat humorous."

Edward's hand delved in front of his crotch, once again, in protection of his manhood. Bella hadn't spoken of her father much in their short courtship, but he knew enough to know that a daughter was sacred. Fathers felt a sense of responsibility to protect their little girls by any means necessary.

He only hoped Mr. Swan's definition of any mean necessary didn't include death or dismemberment.

O_o

Days passed as the disharmony between Bella and Edward faded. The balloon bouquet was of course, well received, but Bella had warned Edward that balloons were not going to fix every wrongdoing he may encounter in their future relationship. She also mentioned that balloons were a choking hazard for children, which disappointed Edward greatly. He loved the festive look of Mylar in the corner of a room.

Edward had taken to sleeping at Bella's small apartment because he knew any small inconvenience for her at this point would set them back; but the compactness of the space the two were sharing hadn't gone unnoticed.

"Edward, you left a hair in the sink."

"Edward, your washcloth in hanging in the wrong spot."

"Edward, your shoes are too big and I keep tripping on them in the closet."

"Edward,"

"Edward…"

"Edward!"

It seemed never ending! For the past few days, and for the first time in his life, Edward was wishing his name were Glen. However, Edward just bit his tongue and chalked it up to Bella having chemical imbalances brought on by the new life growing inside her.

I can do this, it's only nine months, Edward said, giving himself a pep talk.

If only Edward had known then, he was about to have the longest nine months of his life.


	16. Chapter 16

**In photography, the smallest thing can be a great subject. The little, human detail can become a Leitmotiv [guiding motif]. ~Henri Cartier-Bresson**

Chapter 16

Charles Swan was simple. No other adjectives came close to describing his life and his beliefs. He'd met his wife, Renee when they were only sixteen. He'd courted her properly, only kissing her after the third date. Charles and Renee dated throughout their high school years, staying true to the moral expectations of their families (as far as their families and the eyes of the local Christian church were concerned, that is).

After Charles had become gainfully employed, he then proposed to Renee, ready to start a family. The proposal was simple: a blanket in the local park. The wedding was simple: a small ceremony at the local church with a few friends and family present. The conception of Isabella Swan was simple: a double bed, located in Charles and Renee's small apartment bedroom on their one-year anniversary.

Things had always been simple for the Swan family. There were no Facebook pages or Twitter accounts; no cell phones or cable subscriptions. They had sensible vehicles that delivered them from point A to point B. The life of a Swan was simply…simple…

Until Bella Swan called her father and gave him the news: she was pregnant.

There was nothing simple about her delivery of the news, nor did Charles receive the news simply. Tears were shed and shouts were set free. There were many questions regarding how the circumstances came to be. There was no doubt the elder Swan was less than enthused with his daughter's misguided attempt to gain his attention.

"Mistakes happen, Daddy. I didn't do it to get your attention!" Bella howled back at her father. Bella's mother had been remarkably silent through the entire exchange, simply letting her husband handle the surprising news. However, she feared her silence had gone on for too long. She acted quickly, taking the phone from her husband.

"Bella, this is your mother speaking. Your father and I will call you back." And with that, the other end went silent. Bella sat, staring open-mouthed at the receiver in her hand.

O_o

"Charles Swan! I will not have you degrading my daughter nor my grandchild. All of God's creatures are blessings, even if they aren't planned. We will call Bella back, and we will be supportive of her. I have lived with you for over 25 years, and in that time I have let you rule the roost; but not on this.

"Bella is our daughter, and she has been nothing but responsible her entire life. She has never been a bother and has always made good decisions. She deserves the benefit of our doubt before we pass judgment!

"Now, call her back and begin with an apology."

Charles Swan had been bewildered by his wife's stern declaration. He dialed his daughter's phone number and begrudgingly followed his wife's directions. While Renee had been correct in her assertion that Charles ruled the roost, he was also aware of the old adage that a man was only as happy as his wife.

O_o

"Hello, Daddy." Bella's voice was timid in its introduction. While her father wasn't a serial brow-beater, his stern tone could definitely put the most confident of daughters on edge. Unfortunately, Bella wasn't confident. Therefore, she was a nervous wreck.

"Now listen here, Bella. I'm sorry I was so harsh earlier. Your mother says I owe you an apology…So, that's that."

Bella knew her father was attempting to say he was sorry in the only way he knew how: To say it without actually saying the words, "I'm sorry." It was just simpler to imply.

Father and daughter continued with their strained conversation, eventually coming to common ground. Charles insisted he meet this "garden seeder" first hand, and the sooner the better. Bella, on the other hand, was definitively wishing that later came before sooner.

After several more minutes of pleasantries, designed to smooth things over, the progenitor and his only offspring ended their conversation on a much happier note than the previous time. Charles had to admit that having a baby around again, would bring warmth back to his heart that had perhaps been missing since Bella was a youngster.

While he'd accepted that Bella was with child, he had not accepted that there was a man in her life that was worthy of her love and affection, much less worthy of being called a parent. What kind of father would this Edward Cullen be if he hadn't even been careful when deflowering his baby girl? The elder Swan couldn't have known that young Mr. Cullen was neither to blame for said deflower, nor instigation of the sex act itself. Those were, of course, details Charles would never be privy to.

"A dead beat, that's what kind," Charles muttered to himself. Nevertheless, he would know soon enough what kind of man Mr. Cullen truly was, as Bella and Edward were paying a visit to the Swan family home the following weekend.

O_o

"Are you sure you're alright, Bella?" Edward was concerned about the confrontation Bella just had with her father. Edward cared for his dove deeply, and therefore her sadness was his sadness.

"Yes, I'm fine. Once my father called me back, he had a more positive demeanor. I think my mom really gave him the riot act."

Edward and Bella sat on his couch for several moments before Edward spoke again.

"Bella? There are some things I would like to discuss."

"Of course, this weekend hasn't quite turned out to be the romantic interlude we'd previously planned, has it?"

"No, but I wouldn't change a thing about it, my dove." Edward kissed his forever love, and then began again with his quandaries.

"So, we know we want to raise this baby together. And be…together, right?" Edward clarified.

"Yes, silly. I love you and our baby so much already!"

Edward chuckled at the ridiculousness of the statement. They'd only found out they were having a baby the previous evening. How could one love something or someone so quickly? However, Edward wasn't surprised by the notion, for he felt exactly the same way as Bella. "I know what you mean, my dove. I feel exactly the same way.

"Since we have already agreed to getting married, then we should plan the next step. We will need to cohabitate. I feel like we should move to my condo since it has more room. It is, after all, the most sensible choice."

Bella could argue the merits of Edward's sensible choice, including the fact that his domicile was next door to Phil. The thought of Phil being anywhere near her unborn child was a frightening thought. She knew Phil couldn't rub off, but it left her feeling uneasy about his proximity. But there was no hurry; they had eight months until their infant arrived, which gave plenty of time to mesh and mingle.

O_o

For Edward, Monday morning brought much excitement, and not just because he didn't have to see Jessica. He proceeded to take a personal day, wasting no time in contacting Bella's landlord to give notice. Then, he immediately began the task of packing up his soon-to-be-bride. He wouldn't have her worry about such things in her delicate state. She needed to focus on the health of their child and her work. It hadn't mattered that said child was the size of a grain of sand, or that Edward also wanted Bella in his…their home as soon as possible.

Bella wanted to put off moving, citing that she didn't have time; it was a busy time at school. Therefore, Edward did what any man-eager to fix all of his lady's problems-would do: he simply did it all for her. It never occurred to him that her excuse of time restraint was used to protect his feelings. No, Edward was positive that Bella wanted to be together, as much, if not more, than he did.

O_o

It was with heavy feet and eyelids, Bella pulled herself into the red brick building, also known as Oak Ridge Montessori, on Monday morning. She was no longer granted the pleasure of caffeine, which was undeniably obvious to anyone she'd come in contact with that morning.

"Good morning, Miss Swan."

It was, perhaps, a case of being the wrong person and the wrong time, but Bella couldn't stand the syrupy greeting she'd encountered from Nurse Denali while gathering her mail.

With strained indifference, Bella mutter a salutation in reply, then quickly turned and ambled away. Thank goodness Nurse Denali had gone in the opposite direction and hadn't heard Bella's follow-up comment of, "Good morning nurse Denali, why don't you go fuck a duck." Her mumbled tone was mocking, and there was no mistake that Bella only held disdain for the Baroness of band-aids.

The day didn't get any better from there. Bella's nipples were sensitive, and her favorite bra was now a mortal enemy,

causing her sensitive breasts to ache. In addition to her hormonal upheaval, there were the frequent trips to the bathroom. At one point, Mrs. Hodge became so concerned, she offered Bella Imodium. Bella gave the secretary an impassive, "no," wishing the problem was indeed, that simple.

The day moved forward, only incurring a few mishaps, but still seeming endless. As the clock ticked past four o'clock, Bella bolted for the door. She couldn't wait to get home. She had dreamt of her nice soft bed with her peach comforter and flannel sheets. She would make grill cheese and tomato soup, hoping she would keep the contents down.

As she drove, she contemplated Edward for a few moments and whether she should invite him over. After much thought, she decided they'd spent the entire weekend together and she needed a little space. She intended to eat dinner, and then go directly to bed. She would call him briefly, saying goodnight with promises to talk with him more the next day.

The last few steps to Bella's apartment were the hardest. She didn't understand why, all of a sudden, she felt as though she were ninety years old. She jiggled her key in the lock and swung her door wide, not caring if her neighbors saw her unkempt living room.

Bella stepped over the threshold and her eyes went wide. She couldn't believe the scene before her. She quickly fished in her purse for her phone and dialed the first number she saw.

"Hello, Edward? It's Bella, Bella Swan...and I think I've been robbed!"


	17. Chapter 17

**"Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far." ~ Theodore Roosevelt**

Chapter 17

After Edward had calmed Bella and convinced her that she hadn't been robbed, and she was in fact residing at a new address, she unleashed the fury of a thousand Egyptian soldiers. It took payment to the local Hampton Inn for two nights stay before Bella finally consented to join him in their home. Edward was aware of his major misstep, but was finally happy to have his dove and their squab with him permanently.

He was now breathing a bit easier as Bella seemed interested in learning about her new surroundings and determining how to fit into her new environment.

"Edward? Why are all these rose bushes dead?"

Edward stood, with his hands in his corduroy trousers, and shrugged. He didn't really want to admit to Bella that his neighbor was using the perennial beauties as a public restroom. Things had been tense enough the past few days. There had been much yelling, throwing, and general tantruming in the last seventy-two hours finally bringing a lull; or the eye of the storm, depending on whom you asked.

"Um, maybe they have a fungus or arachnid infestation?" Edward cautiously replied.

"No," Bella answered shaking her head. "This is like a chemical burn." Bella stooped to the ground and leaned in. She appeared to smell the roses.

One thing that had been a blessing and a curse in the first stages of pregnancy was Bella's new sense of smell. Edward swore she could identify a Hebrew National hotdog at five hundred paces. He feared for Phil's life if Bella correctly identified the Rose bushes method of assassination.

"It's really a shame. These are Marmalade Skies, of the Floribunda rose family. They were the 2001 All-American Rose Selection award winner." Edward couldn't think of too many things he cared less about, but wasn't so dim-witted that he'd dare tell his dove.

"How do you know so much about roses?" Edward feigned interest with his question.

"I'm a card carrying member of the American Rose Society. Duh!" With that ending taunt, Edward knew his time in Peaceful Town was near its end. Bella hadn't cried or yelled for approximately forty-three minutes, so Edward knew his serenity moment in time was almost exhausted.

No sooner had the thought crossed his mind, Bella began a new rant. "I can't believe you've been so careless with something as beautiful as these rose bushes, Edward. I mean really, these are a particularly hearty breed. There has to be an immeasurable amount of neglect for these to wither. How on Earth do you suggest we raise an infant? God! How will I trust you enough to leave you alone with our child? You'll just let him shrivel and die! "

It seemed no matter the subject or cause, Bella's diatribes always came back to the same theme: Edward was an idiot who got her pregnant and was too irresponsible to care for his newly propagated family.

"Sweetheart, why don't you lie down for a bit? Put your feet up and relax." Edward knew his suggestion was a shot in the dark. Bella would do one of two things: A) verbally castrate him for suggesting she was a delicate creature, or B) acquiesce and thank him for acknowledging she was tired.

"Why don't you shove that sunshine bullshit up your ass, Edward?"

It appeared choice A was the lucky winner for the afternoon.

O_o

The ride was uncomfortably quiet as Edward and Bella drove to the Swan home the following Saturday. Bella had gotten through an entire week, all Kindergartners unharmed, but Edward couldn't say the same. He'd been particularly careful to walk on eggshells, but much like his manhood, they were crushed.

One of the things he loved most about Bella was her easygoing nature and kind heart. He couldn't imagine that beautiful being never returning. He couldn't even think of that possibility. He would hold out hope that someday, his sweetheart dove would return.

As Edward turned off the highway, nearing the Swan family home he heard a sniffle beside him. He knew better than to endanger the life of Bella and the baby, so he pulled to a safe spot on the side of the road to inquire about Bella's tears.

"Sweet girl, why are you crying? What have I done now? Whatever it is, I'm sorry!" However, his words only encouraged her sobs to amplify.

"Whatever it is…please tell me! I'll fix it, I promise!" Edward was stricken with horror at the woman at his side, crying uncontrollably. He decided to try physical affection and leaned over the console. He brought Bella into his embrace, praising a higher deity that she'd allowed his attempt to soothe her. After several minutes, she finally calmed enough to speak.

"Thank you, Edward. You are so good to me and I'm just an awful mess. I'm sorry I've been so horrible to you the past week. You have done nothing but try to make me happy." She reached out a hand and soothed it down Edward's face, hoping to erase some of the tension residing in the pores of his skin.

Edward blinked several times, trying to determine if his dove was real, or merely a mirage. Bella pulled Edward toward her and kissed his lips, letting him know that she was, indeed, bona fide.

"Does this mean I can remove some sunshine from my ass and share it with you now?"

Bella giggled at Edward's inherent inability to stay angry with her and apologized, once again, for her past and possibly future, behavior.

After eyes were dried and passengers safely secured, Edward and Bella closed the final gap separating them from Charles and Renee Swan.

O_o

"Let's discuss the rules of the house first, young man. There will be no disrespecting my daughter under my roof."

"Daddy, that's ridiculous. We live together and are having a baby. There is no disrespect; we are a family. Edward can stay in my room." Bella stamped her foot to punctuate her demands.

"Over my dead b-,"

"Charles," Renee quietly interrupted. "Edward, dear, it's fine for you and Bella to stay together. Now hurry and take your things up. It's at the top of the stairs, first door on the left."

"Right across the hall from Renee and I," Charles bellowed in warning as Edward scurried up the stairs with his and Bella's luggage.

"Great, your father hates me." Edward supposed when Bella joined him a few minutes later in her bedroom.

"No, he doesn't. He's protective. Just like you will be when our little girl is born."

"Little girl?" Edward questioned. He knew it was too soon to know the sex, but it hadn't kept him from looking forward to the day when they could know. "Earlier, you referred to our baby as a 'him'. Which is it Momma?"

Bella laughed, noting Edward's attention to detail. "It could be either, but I'm just trying them out."

"Knock, knock, love birds." Renee peeked inside the door at Bella and Edward wrapped in a warm and mostly platonic hug.

"Sorry for interrupting, but Bella, your father is heading out to the store. Would you like to go with him?"

"Do you mind, Edward? It will give me a chance to talk you up a bit to Daddy." Edward just shook his head, nervous with the prospect of being left alone with Renee. While she'd been cordial thus far, he feared it was a ruse until they were away from prying eyes and ears.

O_o

"It's just so hard!" Edward sobbed into the kitchen towel Renee had so graciously provided him. "I never know from one moment to the next if it will be happy Bella or insane, crazy Bella."

"There, there, son; let it all out." Renee tried to comfort Edward the best she could. It wasn't often she'd seen a full-grown man weep so uncontrollably. It unnerved her, but she held strong and continued with her motherly duties.

"It's like one minute, she's saying I'm the greatest thing since sliced cheese, but the next she's berating me for hanging the toilet paper wrong. I mean who knew the roll was supposed to hang over, and not under?" Renee just nodded and patted Edward on the shoulder knowing her Charles was to blame for Bella's proclivity for properly hung toilet paper. It was a known rule in the Swan household.

After some exceptionally helpful chamomile tea accompanied by hugs from his soon-to-be mother-in-law, Edward felt better. He felt closer to Renee after his breakdown, and felt she was sincere when she offered to lend her ear anytime he needed to vent. He even thought she was heartfelt in her promise to keep the episode a secret from Bella and her father.

"Come on, now. Help me make dinner. We're having Mutton."

O_o

"Did he force you, Bella? Has he brainwashed you? Do you have Sweden syndrome?"

"Jesus, Dad! He didn't brain wash me, and I don't have Stockholm syndrome. He's a good man, Daddy, and I love him."

Those were the words Charles had wanted to hear, although he would have preferred to hear them after a traditional courtship, not after Bella sprung the news she was pregnant and living with Edward.

"Well, he took my baby girl's virtue. As a father, that's a-"

"He didn't."

"What?" Bella could see the vein above her father's right eye began to pulse.

"He didn't take my virtue, Daddy."

"Now I know we raised you in the church Isabella, but if you want me to believe in an immaculate concept-"

Bella interrupted her father once again. "He wasn't my first, Dad."

The silence was deafening…except for the groan of the leather on the steering wheel, currently being strangled by Charles.

O_o

"Today went better than I thought," Edward commented as he and Bella lay in bed, cuddled together.

"That's because you didn't have to tell my father that I lost my virginity several years ago."

"I'm sorry if that was uncomfortable for you, my dove."

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"And I love you...and our baby."

Edward barely got the last syllable out of his mouth before a small brown haired woman was on top of him, attempting to suck the skin right off his face. Edward wasn't the type of man to complain, however. He was delighted that Bella wanted intimacy with him again. It had been a long couple of weeks.

As innocent touches turned into guilty pleasures, Edward halted their movements.

"We'd better stop my sweet dove. We don't want to rouse your parents."

"Noooo," Bella whisper yelled. "I can be quiet, we can be quiet. Come on Edward, I need you! I need your thick…hot…"

Edward couldn't believe the dirty words coming out of Bella's mouth. They were too perverse to think, let alone say!

"I love you and want to make love to you, so very much. But not under your parents roof, Bella."

"Fine!" Bella jumped from the bed and grabbed her robe. Edward was afraid he'd upset her and she was headed for the couch.

"Bella, wait! Where are you going?"

"To the yard, Edward. If you won't have sex with me under my parent's roof, then we'll do it on the front lawn!"

Edward swore she must have been joking. Wasn't she?

"The first time I make love to you after learning about our baby will not be on the grass in front of your childhood home!" Edward admonished with a stern voice he often used with Jessica when she was displaying childish behavior with customers. "Now, get back in this bed."

A coy smile crossed Bella's lips as she untied her robe. She let it drop to her feet, and then let her nightgown follow. Her

silhouette glowed in the moonlight shining in through the bedroom window, giving Bella's figure an ethereal glow. With slow and predatory movements, Bella stalked toward the bed, and then slid naked into the sheets. Her hand ghosted across a silent and stunned Edward.

"Make quiet love to me, baby." Bella once again tried to reason. Just as her tiny hand cupped Edward's enormous crotch, he bolted up in bed, thwarting her advances.

"Bella, no!" As the words left his mouth, he knew he'd made a mistake. It was too loud and he was sure he'd wake the rest of the house. Moments later, he heard heavy footfalls in the hallway confirming his suspicion. It only occurred to him a second too late that Bella was naked and writhing on the bed like an Asp.

"What in the blazes is going on in here?" Charles yelled as he charged through the door. Edward was horror struck as his eyes flashed to Charles then to an exposed Bella. Nevertheless, one thing Edward always prided himself on was his ability to think swiftly and put a plan into action quickly. This was no different. Edward placed his hands over Bella's breast to prevent further exhibition.

Unfortunately, in his haste to put his plan into action, Edward hadn't realized how it would look to Bella's father.


	18. Chapter 18

**A 41-inch bust and a lot of perseverance will get you more than a cup of coffee - a lot more. ~ Jayne Mansfield**

Chapter 18

Edward woke to the gruesome sound of retching. He was momentarily concerned for the welfare of his beloved toilet, but soon pushed his worry aside in sympathy for Bella. She'd been performing the morning ritual for over a week, and while Edward could stomach many things, vomit wasn't one of them. He felt impotent during her purging periods, as he couldn't find the strength or courage to stand by his dove's side as she emptied the contents of her stomach.

Moments later, Edward relaxed in relief as he heard the toilet flush and the shower turn on. He briefly considered turning over and playing possum, but another idea flickered, unbidden, in his mind.

Shower…Bella…Wet…

Those were all thoughts that ran through Edward's head as he jumped from the bed and shed his boxers. Then, he looked down.

Erection…

Edward and Bella's love life had yet to take on an adventurous tenor, but he was hoping to change the status that very morning.

"Sweetheart?" Edward warned before opening the bathroom door. He quickly closed it behind him, wanting to preserve the warmth the steamy shower had created. His immediate reaction was disappointment, as he couldn't see Bella's naked form behind the fogged glass of the shower door. Nothing turned him on more than the curve of her hips, the slope of her buttocks and the roundness of her breasts. Moreover, it hadn't gone unnoticed by Edward that all of the aforementioned were gracefully enhanced in time with the growth of their child; Edward wasn't the only one to notice. His erection was becoming more robust by the millisecond. While entranced picturing Bella's voluptuous body, Edward hadn't noticed the shower door open and Bella peek out at him.

"Why Edward, what big eyes you have."

Edward's response was almost instantaneous; for he knew the game his beloved was playing. The previous evening they'd watched the recent movie version of Little Red Riding Hood. Both laughed at the director's regrettably misguided interpretation of the folktale, and credulous misuse of symbolism, which would have Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm turning in their graves.

"Better to see you with," Edward replied, a salacious grin on his lips. Bella hadn't missed his toothy grin as her eyes traveled down her lover's torso, taking in the enormity of him.

"Edward…what big teeth you have."

His smirk disappeared only to be replaced by a beastly glower.

"Better to eat you with…" Edward snapped his teeth in Bella's direction, his glare now focused on her lower nether region. He wasted no time scrambling into the shower and falling to his knees. This was new for Edward, but he'd been studying the Sex101 site. He was more than thrilled to have an opportunity to try out the new technique he'd read about the previous evening.

"Edward, what are you doing?" Bella asked, shocked by his submissive position on the white porcelain of the tub.

"Cunnilingus," Edward answered matter-of-factly. Had it not been for the detail he'd paid to the oral sex guide, he would have feared he'd used the wrong terminology, spurring her question, but he was positive he'd used the term accurately. Edward paused for a moment contemplating his next response.

Perhaps, my dove is unfamiliar with this act. She's had limited experiences, Edward thought.

His tone immediately shifted to his Professor Pedantic voice.

"It is known by many names, my cherub: going down, eating out, clam chowder, and carpet munching to name a few. The art of cunnilingus is best known as an important skill to master to keep one'swoman satisfied. It-"

Bella cut Edward off, not wanting a medical textbook rendition of the act. "I know what cunnilingus is, Edward. You just surprised me. You've never-you know-before. Don't get me wrong, I think I really want…that!"

It was the sanction Edward had been looking for. His movements were quick as he dove in, head first to Bella's precious petals. He hurried over the instruction guide in his head as he worked: Leaving your tongue soft and jaw relaxed lick her

from vaginal entrance up to her clit and follow the outer edges of her vagina along both sides. Repeating this technique going up and down and vice versa can be a great opener…

Bella was responding with small gasping sounds and her hands clutching his hair. Edward was pleased with her response and continued through his mental model: Spread her outer vaginal lips with your fingers. With your tongue pointed, gently flick your tongue around her clitoris. Feel free to roam, but keep coming back to her clitoris, as it is the most sensitive. When stimulating her clit make sure to start out gently if you aren't sure how she likes it. When you try this, pay attention to whether those moans are ecstasy or pain.

Bella had graduated from small hisses to moans and groans. Her grip in his hair had tightened, almost as if pulling him away. He remembered reading that some women found this act to be too intense, but to keep going as this was likely to bring any woman over the edge to an explosive orgasm.

"Edward…oh, please st- oh my guhh…"

However, Bella's pleas were not those of desire and fervor. It came on quickly, not allowing her enough time to react appropriately given the current situation. She tried to turn her body, but her brazen lover wouldn't have it. He held her steadfast and continued on his mission.

The sounds that came next were unmistakable once they found purchase in the air: gagging followed by a cough. Then, the groan from one's stomach muscles contracting; but the cycle was not complete without the final dislodge of stomach bile and food particles landing unceremoniously, (and wetly) on Edward's head, neck and back.

To add insult to injury, Bella performed the perfunctory last spit before bursting into tears and sinking to the shower floor where Edward remained quelled and covered in dove emulsion.

O_o

Bella woke a few hours later to the best smell of her life. She couldn't imagine what Edward was fixing, but whatever it was —she was game. Bella stood slowly, testing her bearings to see if the food aromas were going to incite a riot in her belly. She needn't have worried, though, as her little seedling seemed pleased with whatever her Papa was preparing. Bella made her way to the kitchen to see Edward hunched over the stove. He had what looked to be a pastry bag in hand, piping small globs of brown onto a cookie sheet.

"What are you making, my sweet man?" Edward, unaware of her presence, turned abruptly still squeezing the pastry bag. The result was a trail of slop across the kitchen counter.

"Bella, my little butter-cup, how are you feeling?" Edward was cautious as he spoke, still not knowing from one moment to the next which Bella he would find.

"Amazing at the moment! What are you cooking, Edward? It smells fantastic!" Edward had worried the smell of meat would permeate the rest of the house, causing Bella to become ill. While he didn't know much about pregnant women and morning sickness, he was sure the concoction he was baking had definite possibilities of being a trigger.

"It's umm…" He stammered, wondering if he should really admit what he was doing. As he looked into Bella's eyes, he could see lust she held for the food he was preparing, and knew it was best to come clean. Once she knew, she wouldn't be so wanton.

"I'm making treats for Henry." Bella stood stunned for a moment, having no clue who Henry was. Furthermore, she couldn't believe Edward was making something so mouthwatering and was planning to give it away.

Edward could read the confusion on Bella's face. "Henry…you know—Henry and Dorothea?" He motioned his head to the elaborate rat cage still occupying the family room.

"Wait, you're making treats for the rats?"

"Oh sure. Sometimes, Henry gets a little backed-up, if you know what I mean. So I have to make him cookies." Bella's eyes nearly jumped out of her head at the remark, but she couldn't deny, no matter whom or what they were for, that they smelled delicious.

"What's in them?" Bella questioned, wanting to know exactly what it was Baby was craving.

"Pureed apple, banana, carrot, liver, plums, tofu, and organic rice milk; just some fruits and vegetables to get things moving." It took Bella a minute to realize he'd said liver and tofu in the ingredients list. She looked around the kitchen and noticed that the same brownish paste in the pastry bag was also in the food processor.

"So you blend that all together, and then make a cookie?"

"Yes, then I pipe a little rat sized cookie onto the cookie sheet and bake them till they're crunchy."

"Huh," was Bella's only reply. She stood gazing at the tray of treats for a moment longer before giving into her urges.

"Is there anything in them that humans can't eat?"

"Oh no, I wouldn't give Henry and Dorothea anything that I couldn't eat."

Without further questioning, Bella walked over to the rack of cooling cookies and snatched a handful. She threw them into her mouth before Edward had a chance to argue with her.

Bella let out a load groan and rolled her eyes. "Edward, these are extraordinary!" He wanted to disagree with her that typically-tofu, liver, and plums made for a disaster on the human palette, but he held his tongue, knowing that if the tiny cookies made Bella happy, he'd make them by the Bazillion.

O_o

"I still feel horrible about this morning." Bella had been apologizing non-stop after she'd finished eating all of Henry's cookies.

"I know, gum-drop, but it will be fine. We have a lifetime for cunnilingus." Bella jumped to her knees and straddled Edward on the couch. "Let's plan a romantic evening. Nurse Bripete said I could try taking ginger capsules to help with the nausea."

Bella hesitated before continuing moving her hand to cup Edward's face. "I know it sounds crazy, but I can't stop thinking about it."

"It?" Edward wondered aloud.

"IT! You know…" Bella pointed toward Edward's crotch and widened her eyes in hopes he would understand as to what she was referring.

Edward looked down, trying to spot the stain on his pants. He hadn't remembered spilling anything, but if it was bothering Bella that much, he'd just go change them.

With an exasperated sigh, Bella cleared her throat. "Your… pants jockey, Edward."

Sometimes, Edward felt like Lloyd Christmas. How could I not have known what she's talking about?

"I want to do something special for you, Edward. You are a dream come true. Most men would have run screaming after being thrown up on, but not you. You just washed off never saying a word."

Edward didn't have the heart to correct Bella and tell her it took every last ounce of strength he possessed not to vomit himself and run screaming from the bathroom like a child.

"You just let me plan everything. I want you to do something fun for a couple hours while I get things ready. I promise, Edward…I'm going to give you the best night of your life."

0_o

Thirty minutes later, Edward found himself sitting on a bench he'd vacated several weeks earlier and had yet to return until now. As he sat, staring into the window, he couldn't help but think about Bella covered in silk and lace. He even wondered if she would try a little leather, even though. He knew it wasn't practical because leather didn't breathe, which would result in abundant perspiration. He decided that -body moisture aside- he'd like to try it at least once figuring the item wouldn't remain on Bella's body for long anyway. Edward knew the Victoria's Secret catalog and store, like the back of his hand. So he was positive that they didn't carry any leather lingerie. He pulled out his phone and dialed operator's assistance.

"4-1-1 and more. City and state please." Edward rattled of his answers then waited for the human voice to come on the line.

"What's the name of your listing?"

"I'm looking for a lingerie store, but I don't know the name."

"We have a Sexy Depot on East Epson Street." Edward didn't dare ask the operator if she was aware of whether or not they dealt in leather goods. "That will be fine, thanks."

"The number you have requested is…"

Ten minutes later found Edward standing in a place where dreams came true. "Holy mother," Edward mumbled looking around, wide-eyed. A petite woman was extraordinarily large breasts saddled up beside him.

"What-cha lookin' for, Mister?"

"Leather…f-f-for my-" Edward was suddenly stuck. For his what? Fiancé, girlfriend, live-in companion? He wasn't sure; he did know, however, one title she wasn't- his wife.

"Never mind, I have to go." With those parting words, Edward ran out of the Sexy Depot seeking another store entirely. It was one he'd passed many times, but never ventured inside...and that was about to change.


	19. Chapter 19

**It's like a dream - you try to remember but it's gone, then ya try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya try to see the world beyond your front door. Take your time cos the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile, when ya realise that with a guy my size it might take a while, just to try to figure out what all this is for, Pinch me…**

**~ Lloyd Edward Elwyn Robertson [Barenaked Ladies]**

Chapter 19

"What in the-?"

Edward entered the apartment and could smell the telltale signs of Salisbury steak burning. The stereo was set to a medium volume and Bella was nowhere to be found.

"Bella?"

Edward called quietly at first, then raised the volume and tenor of his voice as he went from room to room attempting to locate her.

Since his –ahem- their condo was nothing spectacular and consisted of only five rooms, it only took a matter of thirty-eight seconds to trace his (hopefully) soon-to-be-bride.

Bella was sprawled on the bed like an angel. She wore a white camisole and matching cotton panties. Edward couldn't help but grin as he looked upon the innocent looking undergarments. While he would've preferred Bella own satin and lace, she'd read an article in Mommy Monthly, that indicated cotton was a "best bet" for pregnant mothers, as it "improved breathability," and tended to reduce yeast infections.

Edward tip-toed to the bed and lay a kiss upon Bella's brow, then retreated back to the kitchen to investigate the burnt smell of meat.

He opened the oven and fanned a plume of smoke from his eyes. There sat two perfectly portioned Swanson Hungry man Salisbury steak dinners. He shook his head, saddened by the loss of his favorite meal, but pleased Bella was going through such trouble to entice him. It would have worked, too, if only his enchantress hadn't fallen asleep. Edward knew, though, that dead men tell no tales, and so he let her rest.

Edward made his way back to the bedroom and lay down next to his dove. Tonight hadn't gone the way he'd planned at all. He'd envisioned coming in the door and immediately going down to one knee, presenting Bella with the ring, and then making mad passionate love to her. Fate, on the other hand, had other ideas.

As Edward lay in bed staring up at the ceiling, he thought about his trip to the lingerie store, the fantasy involving leather, and then his realization of needing -and wanting- to buy Bella a ring. He wanted her to be his and the only traditional method of claim he knew of was to marry a woman. After all, what kind of cad would he be if they'd shown up at the courthouse without a jewel on Bella's finger?

Edward turned to his side and snuggled closer to his precious Puddin'. His hand lovingly caressed the tiny bump that was forming; little did he know her expanding tummy was only a side effect of intestinal gases and bloating. He continued to stroke her belly, while his amorous feelings continued to grow.

While he imagined Bella in various states of pregnancy, the larger her abdomen grew, the more bountiful his comradebecame. Edward's imagination was brimming with an assortment of images that included a pregnant Bella and naughty lingerie.

The longer he lay there, the more aroused he became. After several minutes, he decided he'd have to take matters into his own hands.

O_o

The lit computer screen filled the dark living room as Edward hunched over the machine. After a few simple words and key strokes, he found the mother lode: Hot Milk Nursing Lingerie.

Edward clicked the pages, scrolling through the women in various stages of pregnancy. They were all covered in lacy

garments that accentuated their multitudinous middles. He clicked on a page labeled 'Men Only' hoping the page contained items reserved for the particularly deviant fathers such as himself.

"When a woman's body gets hijacked by a baby, it changes. Things swell…" Edward couldn't help the snort that escaped him as he read the line. Things had certainly been swelling, given his new proclivity for maternity lingerie. He made a quick look around the room to ensure his privacy, grabbed a napkin from the center of the dining table and set to work at reliving his own prominent protrusion.

O_o

The morning light blinded Bella as it settled across her left eye. "Holy shizballs!"

It was a phrase she'd heard a hundred times from Eric's mouth. Each time, she'd corrected him regarding its inappropriate use when he dropped a crayon or had to go to the end of the line. However, the sunburn she was currently receiving on her eyelid seemed like a suitable context with which to use it.

"God, my back hurts," Bella groaned as she nudged Edward awake. "Rub it, honey!" she demanded. Bella rolled to her stomach and arched as something small and square pinched her side.

"What in God's name is-" but she wasn't able to get the whole rant out of her mouth before she looked down to see she was being accosted by a small purple box. A small purple box from Eros Jewelers. A small purple box from Eros jewelers that was exactly the right size for a ring.


	20. Chapter 20

**Nothing is more dangerous than an idea when it is the only one you have. ~Emile Chartier**

Chapter 20

It'd been 141 days since Edward found out Bella was pregnant. Three thousand, three hundred and eighty-four hours since his life changed forever. Two-hundred three thousand and forty minutes since he'd felt a moment of peace. It was probable Edward could give the exact number of seconds as well if one were to ask (12,182,400). The past several months had been quite the roller-coaster ride for Edward, Bella, and little Mason. Five months filled with plenty of adjustments, tears, deep-breathing exercises (mostly on the part of Edward), and decisions—some monumental decisions.

After the fateful moment when Edward didn't propose to Bella, things were in limbo for all of thirty seconds. As he took in her disappointed face, he knew he'd made a mistake by not presenting her the ring properly. He quickly found his voice, told Bella he was going to marry her, and then punctuated his demand by requesting fellatio in the shower to celebrate.

The couple was married three short days later, just long enough to bide the waiting period for a marriage license. Phil and Candi stood to witness, before God and Justice, as Edward and Bella became Man and Wife.

O_o

"Did you know that Mason has eyelids now?" Edward quarried as he waited patiently for Bella to come out of the bathroom.

"I like the sound of that, you know," came her muffled reply through the door.

"I think it's a little weird, but amazing at the same time. To think that he has fingernails and eyelids—it's sort of…miraculous."

Bella opened the door, toothbrush clenched in her teeth, looking like a rabid dog foaming at the mouth. "Hey!" Edward exclaimed. "You can use toothpaste again!"

There had been many things Bella had difficulty being able to stomach over the last few months, toothpaste being only one of them. Cream corn was another, but that was a whole other story.

She turned back to the sink, spit, and rinsed her mouth before giving her reply. "Yeah, the mint actually seems to help all of a sudden. I woke up craving it this morning. You sure are a picky little fellow," Bella finished while looking down at her stomach and giving it a loving pat. Then she turned her attention back to Edward.

"No, what I meant was that I like the sound of Mason. I really like that name, Edward. It makes this all so real."

Edward couldn't have agreed more. As a matter of fact, Baby had become increasingly real—visually- with the leaps and bounds at which he was growing. It seemed only yesterday that Bella's stomach was still flat. Now it appeared as if she were smuggling a volleyball.

Edward held out his hand, beckoning his bride. "I love you both more than I can stand, and you choosing my grandfather's name for our son—it makes my heart ache with happiness."

Bella felt a momentary pang of guilt. She hadn't always been in support of the name. As their appointment to find out the sex of the baby neared, there was much discussion on possible names. Bella had excluded many of the suggestions due to her time as a teacher. It was hard to pick a name when so many reminded you of Beelzebub.

As they were leaving their five-month check-up the previous afternoon, Edward suggested the name Mason. He hadn't explained its significance at the time, but Bella hadn't vetoed it outright, either. She simply shrugged in disinterest. Edward was quiet and withdrew into himself for the afternoon, leaving Bella feeling confused as to his melancholy. Later that evening, she found him looking at a photo album. She saddled up to him and inquired about his trip down memory lane, hoping to draw him from his gloom.

"Who is that?" Bella asked while pointing to a gray-haired man with a small brunette boy on his knee. She knew the toddler was Edward as his eyes and hair gave him away.

"My grandfather."

It was the first time he'd ever spoken about anyone besides his mother and father. Edward didn't have the best relationship with his parents, as they were academics and were disappointed in their only son for choosing to be

mundane. "He was a photographer."

This was news to Bella, but it suddenly made a whole heap of sense when she noted the caption to the photograph: Edward and Mason, July 4th 1987.

"Tell me more about him."

O_o

"So, I know you've been really reluctant to wear anything sexy since you started showing, but I have a surprise for you. It came in the mail today, and I really hope you like it."

Bella glanced down at the package in Edward's hands wondering what on earth could possible make her feel sexy, while at the same time gave Edward reason to waggle his bushy eyebrows.

"One night while you were sleeping I was having difficulty getting settled, so I was surfing around the internet. I can't believe what's available on the net. Did you know that roughly seventy-three percent of Americans use the internet, which is an increase of a hundred and fifty percent since the year 2000?"

Bella knew that once Edward got onto one of his, "did you know" preambles, she was in for the long haul.

"Focus, sweetie," she replied, cutting his information session short.

"Yes, sorry. Anyway, I got you this," Edward finished, shoving the black and pink box toward Bella. His fingers twitched, itching to tear the box open and get to its insides. The content of the box was exciting and new…and Edward couldn't wait to explore the possibilities it presented.

Bella settled the box on the table and carefully lifted the lid. She took a peek inside as though a frog would spring forth from the tissue paper wrappings. Edward's hand jutted forward to move the paper aside, no longer patient enough to wait for the gift to be revealed.

"It's lingerie," Edward yelled excitedly. It was truly a dream come true. He'd finally purchased a woman delicate under things that he'd previously only looked upon in store windows.

Bella stood, speechless as she held up the lacy set wondering: why in the hell would Edward purchase a negligee for a pregnant chick? She hadn't been apprised of his penchant for lacy things.

"Edward, I…"

"I know, right? It will look so hot on you, my dove. Let's try it out now!"

"Edward! It's nine o'clock in the mor-" but Bella wasn't able to finish her rejection, as a knock sounded at their door.

"Who on earth?" Edward mumbled, feeling disgruntled about having his sexy times interrupted.

"Hey, Phil," Edward greeted plainly as he opened the door for his neighbor.

"Hey, Guy," Phil responded wearing his new security guard uniform. He was really taking his 'protect and serve' oath to the extreme. Edward was pretty sure Phil wasn't working since it was a Saturday, yet still wore his uniform on his days off. Phil reasoned that it would scare away any unwanted miscreants from causing trouble on their block. It didn't matter that there had been nothing above a petty crime within a twelve-mile radius in over nine years. The most excitement their small town had seen was three years ago when old Mrs. Bell chased her husband down the block waving a candlestick in her hand. She'd caught him wearing her high heels when she came home early from Bingo. Poor Mr. Bell ran down Main Street in his boxer shorts and a pair of snake-skinned peep-toe pumps.

"What can I do for you this morning?"

"Just doing my rounds; making sure the neighborhood is safe and sound." Edward wanted to argue the merits of Phil making anything or anyone safe, but having lost that particular dispute previously with Phil, he decided he was just too tired to try.

"Well, hey…Bella and I were just in the middle of-"

But it was too late. At the mention of Bella, Phil pushed his way inside the door, one hand moving Edward aside and the other resting on, what Edward was convinced to be, a water pistol.

"Hey, Bella! It's Phil, your neighbor!" he shouted, making sure no one within a mile radius could miss his presence.

Edward cringed knowing his Saturday morning sex just slipped through his fingers.

O_o

"Okay, so we need onesies, diapers, two baby Bjorn's: one in passion pink and one in walnut khaki; a first aid kit, crib, car

seat, stroller, breast pump, changing table, video monitor, something called a diaper champ, ear thermometer, corner guards and edge guards, travel mirror, at least two Boppy's, a bottle warmer, bottle sterilizer, and drying rack, a flip-"

"Bella, what on earth do we need all of this stuff for? We're only having one little baby?" Edward looked down at the list his wife was reading from in astonishment. "Your list is for an army of babies, not one."

"Uh, no. This was the list I got from the registry of must-have baby items." Bella held up a thick packet of paper. The so- called must-have list consisted of over 150 items and was six pages long.

"Well, at least we won't have to buy all of the things on the list, right? You'll have a baby shower and people will buy some of those things for us. That's how a registry works, isn't it?" Edward knew that having a baby was a financial hardship. While he and Bella were by no means living in the poor house, they weren't kicking it in the penthouse either. He'd even tossed the idea of a second job around in his head. He'd wanted to suggest that Bella stay home with Mason, but hadn't found the courage to ask. It seemed like an archaic suggestion, to propose Bella be a stay-at-home mother. He was also quite sure there was a politically correct title for it too; garbage men were "sanitation engineers," janitors were "facility operators," and secretaries were "administrative assistants." He briefly wondered if that made hookers "ejaculation technicians."

"No, I don't think anyone is throwing me a baby shower. Alice said that she didn't want to throw me one because she felt guilty about asking a bunch of people over under the guise of giving us stuff."

While Edward had tolerated most of Alice's shenanigans through the six-plus months he'd known her, this was the proverbial icing on the cake as far as he was concerned. He couldn't believe that Bella's so-called best friend was so jealous and selfish that she would sabotage the idea of a rite of passage into motherhood. Edward was clueless about many things, but this wasn't one of them. He was fully aware that Bella was going to get the Shower of her dreams, no matter how he had to go about planning it.

As the tiny Prius ambled toward Baby Extravaganza, an idea took shape in Edward's head. A few minutes later when they arrived and the car parked in the expectant mother parking space, Edward told Bella he'd catch up to her in a few moments. There were two phone calls he needed to make.

"Hello," he paused before continuing. While he wasn't speaking to his best friend by any means, Edward knew he could count on his co-worker for help. "Jacob? Hi, Edward Cullen here. I'm calling to ask you a favor."

* * *

A/N: Yes, I'm aware I spelled Mason like "mason jar." Just my weird sense of humor I suppose.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 19 outtake

"Bella-"

He said her name in his head, but the sound never escaped his lips. Edward's mouth was suddenly as arid as the Mojave. His tongue seemed as though it had swelled to ten times its original size.

"Wemmehh…"

"Mellameg…" He tried again, but the words wouldn't come. They were frozen in little ice balls, stuck at the back of his throat.

"Edward?" The concern was evident in Bella's voice. She picked up the box from the mattress and fingered it carefully as if she were afraid it would crumble into a thousand pieces onto the bed. It would leave thousands of little jewelry crumbs that they would forever be sweeping off the sheets.

She eyed the small purple square, then Edward, hoping he'd give her a sign as to what she should do next.

"Open it," Edward said with his eyes, then let them drift to the small box resting on his dove's fingertips, hoping she'd understand his silent command.

Bella turned her attention back to the box and lifted the hinged top. The diminutive popping sound the metal pivot made filled the room; never had such an insignificant sound been so deafening.

"Oh my…"

Edward sat, stunned, still unable to speak.

"Oh, Edward," Bella replied softly, carefully as not to frighten a small animal away. Her next movement was extracting the ring from its velvet display and placing it on her finger.

"Beautiful." It was the first actual word Edward had spoken since he woke.

"Yes!" Bella screamed as she held her left hand proudly in front of her, waggling her ring finger.

"Yes?"

"Yes, Edward. My answer—a million times—yes."

"Yes, what?"

"Huh?" The non-conversation was starting to get stale.

"You said the answer to my question was 'yes' but I didn't ask a question."

And just like that, all the excitement and elation that filled the small bedroom and Bella's heart—vanished. She was left feeling empty and exposed, much like the empty jewelry box laying in front of her.

O_o

Chapter 20 outtake

Jacob was having a relaxing evening at home with Kip, a twink he'd met several months prior at Forks. It was a night club

for men with proclivities similar to Kip and Jacob, seated in the heart of town. The sister club (pun intended) was called Spoons and sat adjacent to Forks, and the fact the two clubs shared a parking lot often caused problems. The sophisticated and well dressed men were frequently upset about parking their Mercedes and Audi's next to the frumpily dressed lesbians who, more often than not, drove trucks or jeeps.

"Sweetness, I think your phone is ringing." Jacob leaned forward, as if the extra five inches would aid his hearing. A moment later he could hear the faint dulcet tones of Lady Gaga. Jacob rose from his comfortable seat wrapped in Kip and dashed to answer. It wasn't often Jacob received a call on the weekend, so when he did, he made sure to answer. Who knew when there could be a hair emergency?

"Hello, this is Jacob."

"Jacob? Hi, Edward Cullen here. I'm calling to ask you a favor."

"Edward! How's it hanging?" Jacob gave a small snicker as he greeted his co-worker, knowing Edward was still a bit embarrassed by their night together.

"Yes, well...I'll get to the point Jacob. I need your help." Edward knew asking Jacob could be a monumental mistake, but it could also be the best idea he'd ever had.

"Bella needs a baby shower. Her friend Alice has refused to throw her one, and I don't want her to miss out on this momentous occasion because Alice is small-minded and juvenile."

"Say no more, Edward. Your Bella will have a fabulous shower like this city has ever seen. Women will be tossing their birth-control pills out the window so they can have a shower like our Girl."

"Well, I think something simple would-" But Edward didn't get anything more from his mouth. Jacob was too excited to listen to Edward's pleas for something subdued.

"Okay, gotta go baby. I have a party to plan!" With those parting words, it was final. Jacob was officially throwing Bella a baby shower. As soon as he hit the END button on his phone, he unleashed his excitement. "Kip! We get to throw a straight-up-hetero-girl-baby-party!"

O_o

Edward hung up the phone feeling relieved that Bella would have her shower, but hesitant that it may very well look like a Mardi Gras event rather than a celebration of motherhood. He wondered for a moment whether they made beaded necklaces' for showers, and what participants would need to do in order to get them. It was traditional for a woman to raise her shirt to earn the trinkets. Edward wasn't so sure that wouldn't be apropos for this occasion either.

He started to make his way into the store when he realized he still had one more call to make, but he thought better of it and decided to wait until a later time...when he could be alone...with Bella out of earshot...and he could have a private conversation.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 21

Jacob Black lived his life by one rule: Have fun with no regrets. This mantra had gotten him in to a bit of trouble over the years, but he couldn't regret who he was or what he'd done. His flamboyant nature often made people uncomfortable, but Jacob viewed that as their problem, not his.

Planning a baby shower for Edward's Bella was going to be no exception to this rule. It was going to be extravagant, over- the-top - ridiculous by ordinary standards. When Edward conveyed his concerns, he described Jacob's plan as a "three ring circus." Jacob hadn't cared, though, and continued to plan—with Kip's help—the most fabulous baby shower known to gay men everywhere.

There were a few things, however, that had thrown a wrench in the cog, so to speak. First, was Edward's revelation that Phil would also assist in hosting the shower. His involvement was two-fold; Edward hoped his overtly heterosexual-ness would reign in Jacob and Kip. There was also the hope that if Phil was actively responsible for some of the planning, it may have toned down his… unusual… stalker-esque behavior. It hadn't gone unnoticed by Edward that Phil was abnormally obsessed with Bella.

The second problem was small—literally, not figuratively. She was short, rude and not invited. It hadn't taken any time at all for Jacob to discover why he was the hostess with the mostess. Alice Whitlock was a rabid, narcissistic egomaniac who refused to throw Bella a shower based on lame excuses and resentment. For this reason, Jacob was determined to roll out the red carpet for momentous occasion and put a sign at the end of the walk that said, "Everyone welcome! Unless your name is Alice."

O_o

Planning was in full swing within a week of Edward's request. Jacob had gotten the list of must-have baby items from Edward; a list Bella had deemed all contents to be of absolute priority and of great importance.

Bella had wanted to buy Baby Depot's entire stock the day they'd gone shopping since she "wasn't having a baby shower," but Edward managed to ascertain a minimal amount of control with purchases that day. He cited that both sets of grandparents-to-be desired to be the first members of the family to help outfit the blue and brown nursery. It wasn't exactly a true statement at the time he'd made it, but he was sure the Cullen's and the Swan's would step up to the plate and not make him a complete and total liar, he hoped, anyway.

While Jacob was the creative mind, Kip was the organizer. There was a spreadsheet for every aspect of the extravaganza. Jacob was torn in regarding a theme and suggested many, but most were deemed highly inappropriate. Kip had a difficult time convincing his lover this was celebrating the new life of a child—not the homecoming of a Navy fleet.

"It's just in poor taste. Making the invitation sport themed so that you can joke about Edward making a "touchdown" is hardly prudent. If you want me to be honest, it's downright tacky, Wolfie." Kip added, hoping that the use of Jacob's nickname would lessen the blow of his rebuttal. "Well, I think it's an awesome idea, dude," Phil added.

Kip looked back to Jacob as they sat across the table from one another. He threw a peevish look in Jacob's direction at Phil's remark. Jacob's only response was a raised eyebrow and, "Point taken, we'll scrap the sports theme."

Phil had wanted something manly, stating that, "If we do ribbon and baby booties and shit, we'll look like pussies." Jacob and Kip both refrained from making a rather obvious comment regarding female genitalia in relationship to a pair of gay men. Kip, on the other hand wanted a shower that was as traditional as traditional could be. "We should have little ducks with blue bonnets and sailor jackets. The cake can be in the shape of a rattle-"

"-And then we can wake everyone up before we serve cake and ice cream. That's sounds absolutely boring and dreadful, Kippy," Jacob finished for Kip with a pout.

"Well, drinking holidays and Welcome Home Sailor party themes aside, what's your big idea?" Kip asked following up on Jacob's remark. He wasn't so sure Jacob wouldn't try to bring in cage dancers if Kip would have allowed it, and he wasn't even going to think about Phil's reaction to such a suggestion.

Several hours later found the threesome sitting at the table, pleased with their final compromise. All three men were

unusually satisfied with the agreed-upon-theme. Jacob because he managed to incorporate several ideas from other themes, including animals—live animals. Kip because while the theme in and of itself was over the top (the Big Top, in fact), there were enumerable resources and party decorations available. It was also akin to planning a child's birthday or similar, instead of a cocktail hour. Phil was simply in agreement because he was promised photos of women in leotards.

Wheels had been set in motion, plans were made, and duties assigned. It was official: the Bella Swan-Cullen's baby shower would champion all others. Little did the Cullen clan of friends and family know, however, that it would be the town's collective controversy for years to come...

O_o

* * *

Chapter 22

Glamour Shots was always a story about Lemons making Lemonade (no I don't mean the Sex "lemons"). Please keep that in mind as you read these final chapters.

When Thomas Jefferson acquired lands in 1803, popularly known as the Louisiana Purchase, it was seen as a monumental step in U.S. westward expansion. However, the acquisition was highly controversial and technically invalid - as France [cough *Napoleon*] didn't actually own the land. It was Monsieur Bonaparte's last feeble attempt at giving England and Spain the proverbial finger.

A hundred years later, the Louisiana Purchase Exposition would be celebrated in a city along the mighty Mississippi known as St. Louis, the gateway to the west. But the Exposition—or World's Fair—wasn't to be. It was plagued by more problems than Windows Vista: Construction was delayed due to the vast acreage and delivery of building materials, along with a flood along the Mississippi which also hindered progress.

Nevertheless, despite its problems the Fair opened a year later in April of 1904. It went on to be one of the world's most celebrate and successful fairs in history. Ice cream was introduced to the masses and hot dogs were popularized. It also claims to be where J.T. Stinson, a well-regarded fruit specialist, introduced the phrase, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away".

I suppose this is evidence of good things come to those who wait…

A hard beginning maketh a good ending.

-John Heywood

O_o

"Someone needs to do something," Jacob shouted at Kip who was standing less than a foot away.

"I'm not sure what you'd have us do. Perhaps we should take a page from Bella's book on the matter. She seems to be rather calm," Kip argued. Five sets of eyes suddenly flicked to the table at the center of the room where a woman sat, small in stature but big in belly, moaning.

"She really likes the cake," Candi noted after Bella took another bite and moaned again. She was on her third piece and showed no signs of slowing.

"Maybe she's in shock," Phil noted puffing out his chest. "In my line of work, I see this all the time. A victim of …" Phil faded off as the party around him dispersed. No one had the heart to clue him in to the fact that his line of work hardly saw victims. He found himself driving around, rescuing kittens from trees and helping old ladies cross the street. Occasionally, he'd get a call to retrieve a child's ball from a neighbor's yard or possum from a play-set.

"Well, this is just ridiculous. How could I have planned a baby shower for fifty and end up with five guests! I'm telling you, something is rotten in the state of Denmark and its name starts with "A" and ends with lice," Jacob finished.

Edward stood by listening to his friends, but his eyes never left his beautiful bride. She hadn't shown any signs indicating she was disappointed that her so-called Grand Baby Shower had become nothing more than an afternoon sprinkle.

Edward moved to the table where Bella sat, carefully sitting in the chair beside her. "Bella, my dove, are you sure you're okay? I suspect you should have some emotion about this, but you seem to be enjoying this cake…a great deal."

Bella's answer was rendered with a mouth full of frosting and a grumble, but her eyes were light and gave no indication of disappointment. She simply reached for her husband's hand and squeezed it as she finished her third piece of cake.

After a few minutes, Bella lay down her fork in surrender and looked around the room. Candi and Phil were in the kitchen laughing softly at each other's jokes while stealing drinks from the Rum bottle. Kip stood close to Jacob, a hand rubbing his back in soothing circles listening to the rants of his beloved. Charles and Renee snuggled on the sofa watching a nature program on birds Bella was sure they'd seen at least twice before.

"Edward, as I look around at my friends and family gathered here today, I see a group of people ready to celebrate the new life that is about to grace us. The only people that I care about are right here, right now."

"Your generosity astounds me, my dove." Edward picked up the cake knife and cut himself a rather large piece of marble cake. He made sure to get one of the blue baby booties fashioned in whipped cream.

O_o

"I'm going to hunt that cock eating cunt down and scalp her—then murder her!" Jacob bit as Kip worked to calm him down.

"Easy there, Chief Blackhawk." Kip tried to soothe. "I understand murder and scalping are frowned upon these days."

"Yeah, well that's one pale-faced bitch who deserves it." Kip had given up on calming Jacob with a tender touch. Now he was going to have to try a different approach.

"Okay, so we get Alice back, but not today and not in front of Bella. This is her day, not yours. Let's go in there and have some cake before she eats it all."

With a loud dramatic sigh, Jacob acquiesced and joined the crowd now forming around the dining table and the jubilant celebration of the parents-to-be.

O_o

"I think Jacob was the most upset because he loves gifts. It seems you were a little cheated in that department."

Bella rolled to her side and looked at her husband. "I know at first I was caught up in this baby business as much as anyone, but Edward, women have borne children for thousands of years, and we've prospered as a human race. Until recently, we didn't have Boppy's, Baby Bjorns and Baby Bath Spa's. If my grandmother and mother could do it with cloth diapers and a kitchen sink, then so can I. We don't need all that stuff. We have all we need right here," Bella finished as she motioned between them.

Edward paused for a moment before asking Bella a question which had recently plagued his mind after reading an online article regarding childbirth.

"So does this mean you'll also consider natural childbirth? They say that the baby is born much more alert-"

"I'm just going to go ahead and stop you there, my dear. The answer to your question is hell no! While some inventions for childbirth and rearing are downright ridiculous, epidural is not one of them. I want to be blissfully numb as Mason's seven pound body rips through my tiny vaginy. Let me help you visualize, Edward. Imagine a walnut coming out of your-"

"Okay, Okay! I got it. Big marble, little tunnel." Bella chuckled at Edward's hasty agreement.

After a few minutes, Edward once again broke the silence. "So, you are really alright with the shower being a bust?"

"Yes, and don't think I couldn't hear you all talking about it today. Just an FYI, Edward, cake does not cancel out a pregnant woman's hearing. We can eat and listen at the same time."

Edward flushed lightly, realizing his gaffe. They had all been so insensitive to think Bella was none the wiser to the days "Almost- but-not-quite-baby-shower."

"Do you think Jacob is right?" Edward asked, wanting to know if Bella also suspected Alice of foul play.

"Does it matter really? If she is responsible, she has to live with that, Edward. Like I said, I celebrated Mason today with my loved ones, and that's what counts."

After Edward bid Bella a good night with a kiss, he drifted off to sleep and wondered how he'd gotten so lucky.


	23. Chapter 23

**The best way to go into an unknown territory is to go in ignorant, ignorant as possible, with your mind wide open, as wide open as possible and not having to meet anyone else's requirement but my own. -Dorothea Lange**

Chapter 24

As school nurses went, Tanya Denali, LPN, was not considered outstanding. Most days she took an hour-long lunch and could be found napping on cots reserved for sick children. Many children had come to her complaining of stomach aches and the sniffles, but Nurse Denali was never bothered. A simple call home was made and a child was whisked away, not to return for at least twenty-four hours…per school policy, of course.

Because of Tanya's no-sicko's-in-my-office policy, the nurse's station provided a quiet sanctuary for a small brown-haired woman smuggling a basketball—or so it appeared.

In her eighth month of pregnancy, Bella was tired and was growing weary from leg cramps and lack of sleep. Her doctor advised her to stay off her feet as much as possible, but as is the life a Kindergarten teacher, there was no such luck.

While her students were busy finger painting in the art room, Bella retrieved her trusty bottle of Tylenol; so trusted, in fact, that when she raised the container, she noticed the lack of rattling —indicating there were no pills in the bottle.

"Son of a bitch," Bella mumbled. Since getting pregnant and marrying Edward, Bella had developed an extraordinarily colorful vocabulary. She hypothesized it was either too much time spent with Phil or how taxing her new life placed upon her. "Yeah, you feed Phil three nights a week for dinner and we'll see how easily you drop the f-bomb," Bella mumbled to no one in particular.

Having run out of acetaminophen, which didn't help much anyway, Bella waddled into the Nurse's office in hopes of finding a private stash. She was well aware that Tanya was typically gone from her office between the hours of ten and twelve, so Bella was surprised to discover Sleeping Beauty upon walking in and switching on the lights.

"Who the hell?" came a groggy voice from the farthest cot.

"Oh, I'm sorry Tanya; I thought you were at lunch. I didn't think you'd be here." Bella stood back for a moment, embarrassed she'd caught nurse Denali laying down on the job, so to speak. Then Bella realized her snooping for pain killers wasn't the prevailing point of contention in the room.

"So this is what you do every day during lunch? Take a nap?"

"Duh, of course not! Usually I meet up with one of my sisters and have a little liquid lunch, but Irina and I went out last night, and I think I'm still a little drunk; thought I'd sleep it off before the Boss gets in."

Bella was momentarily taken aback by the woman's impetuous honesty. Who would tell a co-worker they were still drunk? Bella thought.

As she watched Tanya snuggle back down under the blanket, Bella felt her lethargy grow stronger. It was as if her body had won the ongoing conflict between worthy and wicked—and suddenly, Nurse Denali's nap didn't seem like such a bad idea.

Maybe I'll just lay down for a bit…

"Turn out the lights, Cupcake. I'm harboring withdrawals over here," Tanya barked. Bella was so tired she hadn't the energy to argue. She simply turned out the lights and lay down next to the already snoring Nurse Denali.

O_o

"I have to say I'm disappointed in you, Bella. Miss Styx said your students received three hours of recess today. Care to explain yourself?"

Bella knew there was no answer he would accept, that she could give, anyway. She was tired, dammit, and no man would ever understand. It would have been like asking Principal Taylor to understand the pains of a tampon inserted incorrectly, or the chafe after a bikini wax. He just wouldn't get it, so she just wasn't willing to try.

"Meh." Bella delivered her reply with a shoulder shrug.

" … " Principal Taylor opened his mouth to speak, delivering a reprimand to Bella for her reckless reply. However, he never got the chance to utter a word.

"Are we done here, Bob?" Bella stood and excused herself stating school was over and she was headed home. "I need to get home and take a little siesta."

O_o

As it usually goes in a small town, word travels fast and Edward had already heard about Bella's unfortunate afternoon break.

"My precious dove, are you alright? This behavior is wholly unlike you," Edward asked while brushing a tangled mess of hair from Bella's face. "I'm not feeling comfortable attending the company retreat if you're not feeling well."

Edward was set to leave the next morning to attend the annual Glamour shots: Come As You Are Conference. It was an hour away and Edward worried something would go wrong and he wouldn't get to his dove in time.

What if she goes into labor and I miss the first contraction? What if her water breaks and I'm not able to witness the amniotic fluid, which has graciously housed my first born for the last eight months? What if-

Edward's inner ramblings were interrupted by a sleepy and impatient Bella. "No, go to your conference. I'll be fine. Plus, you're driving me crazy with all your anal retentive baby planning." With those final words, Bella took a page from Nurse Denali's book and snuggled back under the covers on the couch and fell back into slumber.

O_o

"Yeah, Mrs. Hodges, I'm sick." Bella tried to fake a cough, but it was thoroughly unconvincing. After hanging up, she made a mental note to speak with Tanya in regards to ways to convey more cleaver lies.

Looking at the clock she noted the unreasonable hour of the morning, cursing the shining sun and went right back to sleep.

As afternoon dawned, Bella woke feeling refreshed. She couldn't remember the last time she'd slept so thoroughly. But, the blissful feeling didn't last long. It was overtaken by ravenous hunger. Bella searched high and low for the perfect combination of foods to satisfy her appetite to no avail. She tried several things, but nothing sated the monstrous famine within. So, she pulled on her most comfortable leggings, sans underpants as the elastic often pinched, and headed to the local grocer in hopes that a wider variety would appeal to her inner food demon.

In past trips to the store, Bella had often felt guilty about utilizing the "Expectant Mother Parking," citing that exercise was important and healthy for soon-to-be moms. She'd always bypassed the premium spaces in favor of a refreshing walk from the back of the lot. Today, however, Bella mentally told the "refreshing walk" that it could go fuck itself. She was parking by the door.

After wandering the aisles for several minutes, Bella finally came upon the frozen food isle. She looked first at the Hungry Man dinners hoping a Salisbury steak dinner was just what the doctor ordered; no such luck.

But there was a red box two doors down that caught her eye. "Totino's Pizza! Bingo." Bella licked her lips and made haste to the frozen gems. "So, that's what you want, huh, Buddy?" Bella lovingly asked as she rubbed her belly. "Oh, and they're on sale!" Bella felt as though this was the first day, in many days that was going her way. "What's that…you want Häagen- Daz Chocolate Peanut Butter Ice Cream? Ask and you shall receive," Bella whispered to her baby bump.

"Miss Swan! Miss Swan!" Bella rolled her eyes, instantly recognizing the voice that had grated on her very last nerve for the last nine months.

"Hey, Eric," Bella responded in her best teacher voice.

"I missed you today, Miss Swan 'cause you wasn't at school today. Robert said it was 'cause you was having your baby. Is that true, Miss Swan?" Eric eyed Miss Swan's tummy, then began again. "It looks like it's still in there. Is it s'posted to look like that after the baby comes out?"

Bella closed the freezer door she'd been holding, knowing this was not a quickly answered question. As she turned, she caught a sharp pain in her back.

"Holy shit!" Bella shouted, her curse echoing through the frozen food section.

"Mother-fucker," Bella snapped, placing a hand on the toddler in front of her for support.

"Ummm! Miss Swan you said a baa-" but Eric didn't finish his reprimand. Instead his face contorted as he shouted, "Miss Swan! You just peed on me!"


	24. Chapter 24

**The best way to go into an unknown territory is to go in ignorant, ignorant as possible, with your mind wide open, as wide open as possible and not having to meet anyone else's requirement but your own.**

**~Dorothea Lange**

"We've got a cleanup on aisle five. Cleanup on aisle five."

Eric was horrified at the "accident" Miss Swan had, but he felt sorry for her as he knew too well that sometimes accidents happen. In fact, he had the very same accident a week prior. His mother had scolded him telling him he was entirely too old to have accidents. However, now that Eric knew Miss Swan had accidents, it gave him a great argument with his mother. If Miss Swan could do it-he could too.

"ERIC! There you are!" a smallish woman yelled. "Boy, as soon as I heard clean up on aisle five, I knew were you'd gotten off to!" Eric's mother maneuvered her cart expertly down the aisle, dodging the miscellaneous bystanders beginning to gather. She was so intent on retrieving her mischievous miscreant of a child, she hadn't notice the puddle of liquid beneath a very pregnant brunette.

"Oh. Miss Swan! Wow, I can't believe how big you've gotten since parent teacher conferences. Looks like you should be ready to pop any day now." It was then, as she stood directly in front of Miss Swan that Eric's mother noticed all the details surrounding her, and put them together.

Pregnant woman…

Grasping my son…

People staring…

Water on the floor…

Clean up on aisle five…

"ERIC! WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU DO?" Birds immediately flew from the rooftops of a neighboring building, frightened by the bellow that emitted from Balls' Grocer.

"You better tell me now, young man, or no dinner for you!"

A small yet ineffective plea came from beside her. "Mrs.-"

"Did you break something of Miss Swan's? Because if you did-"

"Mrs. Gr-" came a louder and more forceful appeal, but it wasn't working. Bella was going to have to use her outside teacher voice it seemed. Like mother, like son…

"JANET!"

All the activity along the aisle stopped. Caution-Wet Floor signs were dropped, freezer doors slammed, and managers stood, mouth wide open.

Noticing she finally had everyone's attention, Bella finally addressed her audience. "Can someone PLEASE take me to the hospital? I'm having a baby!" Three seconds…then five passed with no movement or utterance.

"Ahhhh! Oh, Jesus. Is this baby trying to kick its way out?" Contractions were now bearing down on Bella and no matter how much she thought she'd prepared herself, she was wrong. Very, very wrong.

O_o

Seven minutes later (Janet had to buy her groceries—of course), Bella was riding in the back of a Hyundai Sante Fe. She thought it seemed surprisingly luxurious, despite its economical cost when compared to its competitors.

"Miss Swan? Where is your Mister Swan? Isn't that who is s'posted to take the new mommy to have the baby?"

That reminded Bella of a very important phone called that needed to be made. "Eric," she panted, reaching for her purse.

"Can you get my cell phone out of my bag?"

"Sorry, Miss Swan. Mom says I can never get into a lady's purse. I tried to get a piece of gum once from my mom's and she-"

"Eric!" Miss Swan and Janet cried simultaneously. "Just hand me my phone, please." Eric was quick to comply as the tone of Miss Swan's bordered on angry. He knew that tone well; after all, he'd heard it many times.

"Edward, its Bella. Call me A-sap." Bella hit the end button, but then realized her tone may not have conveyed the urgency of the matter.

"Edward, it's your wife, Bella. This is really important. Please call me." She felt a slight sense of satisfaction knowing she'd pointed out the importance of the situation in this message.

"Okay, we're here." Janet pulled up in front of the emergency room entrance to let Bella out with no intention of staying. No sooner had Bella stepped out of the car, did Janet yell at Eric to close the door with additional mutterings about "baby goo" on her leather seats. Bella toddled in through the sliding glass doors holding her stomach. In the movies, everyone immediately take notice, but no one seemed concerned as she entered into the "reception" area. Reception my ass, Bella thought.

After a few moments of waiting, Bella decided she'd waited long enough and her patience was thoroughly spent.

"Help, I've got a gun-shot victim!" Bella yelled, hoping her echo would reach down the hospital corridor. Within seconds, two nurses, a doctor, and janitor all came running.

"False alarm, I'm just a pregnant lady." Bella detected a bit of disappointment on the doctor's face and relief on the janitor's.

"Sorry to disappoint," Bella apologized as the nurse situated her in a wheelchair and started down the hall.

O_o

"How long has it been?"

"Five minutes since the last time you asked."

"When is the doctor coming back?"

"When he gets here."

"Where is Nurse Bripete?"

"Good question, not here soon enough for me, that's for sure."

"Why don't you kiss my ass?"

"Mark the spot, you're all ass."

O_o

"Nurse Shay, I can take over now."

"Thank the Lord," "About fucking time." Rang two distinct voices at once.

"Jeez, where'd you find Attila the Hun?" Bella asked Nurse Bripete after the hasty exit of Nurse Shay.

"She's our fill in. Emergency only, as I'm sure you can see why. Her bedside manner leaves a bit to be desired sometimes.

Bella was mid-snort, laughing at Nurse Bripete's comment, when another contraction hit. "Holy #$%^ &^%$#$ #%^&..."

The nurse took pause and a large step back from the hospital bed. It had been quite some time since she'd heard such colorful language from anyone not hanging out down by the docks.

O_o

"Paging Edward Cullen. Mr. Cullen, please call the information desk."

The blood pumping through Edward's veins suddenly turned to ice. He knew, without a doubt, something was wrong. He was out of his chair and racing toward the information desk near the front of the hotel lobby.

"I'm Edward Cullen," he breathlessly shouted, reaching the desk.

"There is an urgent message for you, sir."

"From who? Is it my wife? Has she gone into labor?"

"It's from a Miss Stanley. She said she isn't feeling well and wouldn't be in to work today. She said it was urgent that I relay the information."

Edward took a deep breath, and then let it out with a sigh; a relieved sigh. He looked at his watch and noted it was late afternoon. He thought it might be a good time to call Bella and check up on her.

He dialed the number but a stranger's voice answered. "Hello?"

"Ummm, did I dial the wrong number?" Although Edward wasn't sure how that was possible since it was programmed in his phone and had used it countless times.

"Oh, yes! Who is this?"

"This is Edward. Edward Cullen. Who is this?"

"Thank goodness, Mr. Cullen. We've been trying to reach you all afternoon. You are listed as the emergency contact for Isabella Swan?"

"Yeh…Yes," Edward stuttered, a chill running up his spine.

"Ms. Swan is here at the hospital having a baby. You are her only listed contact." But Edward hadn't heard anything past "hospital," as he was already in his car speeding out of the parking lot and toward Forks as fast as his Prius would take him.

O_o

"Here for…" gasp-

"Cullen-Swan…" wheeze-

"Baby…" pant-

General Hospital didn't get much action. There was the occasional table saw incident and kitchen knife slip, so when something exciting like a live birth and a hyperventilating husband occurred, the General medical community stopped to take notice.

Edward, after breathing into a paper bag and resuming normal respiration, was escorted by General's finest. Two orderlies, one of which was just named Employee Ambassador of the Month, took an anxious Edward to the maternity wing…ward…hallway.

"Room fourteen, sir." No sooner had the ambassador shown Edward the door, did he hear a cry from within. It was clear his dove was in distress, so he burst in without a second thought.

Until he saw what awaited him.

"You!"

"Oh, God!"

"Forceps."

"Don't look!"

"I shouldn't have looked!"

"Big push."

"It hurts! You LIED. You said the drugs would help."

"….-…."

"Another big push, Bella."

"Edward!" Hearing his name finally snapped him out of the semi-comatose state he's been in for the last few seconds. He tried desperately not to think of the ramifications of something that big coming out of something that used to be so small. He lunged to the foot of the bed, trying to erase the images of his sons head coming out of Bella's -"

"Almost there…"

"You said that three pushes ago!"

"I mean it this time. One more…"

O_o

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, how about you? You looked a little green there for a minute."

"Nah, it was just the lighting, but you—you were so Brave, my dove. You amaze me."

"Thank you, Edward. Do you want to hold him?"

"I can't think of anything that would make me happier."


	25. Chapter 25

Epilogue

* * *

o_O

"The end of THE END is the best place to begin THE END, because if you read THE END from the beginning of the beginning of THE END to the end of the end of THE END, you will arrive at the end." ― Lemony Snicket

"License and registration, please."

"I'm sorry. You asked for license and registration?"

Town County was an extraordinarily safe community, and if you asked the Arrow family — they would tell you it was due to their patriarch's tireless efforts. Officer Arrow's family looked up to him in admiration and his only child was desperate to follow in his footsteps.

"Okay, what gives? I don't think I was breaking any laws. I signaled to turn, and I definitely wasn't speeding."

"Excuse me?" the young deputy replied.

"I said-"

"Now, you listen here, Mason Cullen! I'm here to protect and serve. You are supposed to do what I say, when I say it. No back talk!"

Mason couldn't help but chuckle. This was such a strange scenario. His mother had recounted a similar tale on many an occasion. He knew the deputy standing in front of him had heard the same story, too. Regardless, Mason knew there would need to be some sweet-talking to get out of this. He stood from his bike and positioned the kickstand.

"Come on, isn't there some way we can work this out?" Mason thought about throwing in his trademark eyebrow wiggle which he'd learned from his uncle Phil, but decided he was already headed into dangerous waters, so he resisted.

"Mason! I will not have you brownnosing your way out of this."

The young deputy stepped closer to whisper a warning. "So help me God, Mason Swan-Cullen- if you don't play along, I will never let you touch me again." Those were the only words the young deputy needed to deliver; for Mason Swan-Cullen couldn't live without touching Jane. Moreover, Jane had used his full name, and she only did that when she was really angry.

"Look, Janie, I'm not good at this stuff. I know you want to practice being a cop like your dad, but can't you pick on some unsuspecting out-of-towner?"

"I can't believe you'd even say that. After all the support I gave you when you told your mom and dad you wanted to be a dog trainer. That's selfish, Mason." He knew Jane was right, and if there was one thing he'd learned over the years from his parents, it was that you had to give a little to get a little.

"Sorry, Officer Arrow, I forgot my license and registration at home. Are you going to frisk me and then cuff me?"

Jane smiled, but only for a second. She loved it when Mason was a little bit dirty.

"I'm afraid I'll need to call this in. You are in violation of code 2-7-8-0-3, operating a motorized cycle without a helmet." Mason began to protest as Jane knew the plastic head covering messed up his hair. "Plus, your mother would have a heart attack if she saw you on this thing without a helmet. I'm still not sure how your dad talked your mom into letting you have it."

In fact, Edward hadn't talked Bella into letting Mason have a motorcycle. Mason had come home early from school due to illness. He'd tried calling each of his parents to notify them, but neither picked up. When he entered the Cullen family home, he instantly knew why.

Despite being married for seventeen years, Edward and Bella hadn't grown tired of an intimate relationship with each other; it was quite the contrary. So when Mason walked in the front door to find his parents naked…oily…and rolling around amidst several empty olive oil bottles, they knew they'd never be able to look their only son in the eyes again.

Mason was no idiot, though. After he –unsuccessfully- attempted to irradiate the images of his parents copulation from his head, he figured he might as well get compensation for his pain and suffering; hello Kawasaki Ninja. He had his sights set on a much better bike, but at eleven grand, Mason felt a twinge of guilt, so he settled for the base model. Having to see his father's penis in his mother's vagina -while said father licked said mother's nipple- was definitely worth five thousand bucks.

"What can I say, Janie? I have my parents whipped. Now, how 'bout you jump on the back of this thing so we can meet my family for dinner. I have to take you home to change first. You know the uniform gives my mom flashbacks."

Jane couldn't say no. While their role play hadn't ended, she could no longer stand not touching Mason in some way. She slid on the motorcycle behind him, where her arms circled Mason's waist and then clasped her hands tightly over his bellybutton. She leaned forward, whispering in Mason's ear (where she may, or may not have let her tongue touch the tip of his lobe). "Hey, is your dad still taking our Senior photos on Saturday?" Jane knew Mason's dad was doing her a special favor by taking the photos himself. While Dove Photography was a huge hit in Town County, Edward's career really took off after one of his photos was featured on Flickr. He mostly did freelance work now for magazines and internet sites, leaving the wedding and senior pictures to his staff.

"Yeah, no chance I will let that idiot, Alec, near you, baby." Alec was a young protégé Edward hired several months previously. While he had a keen eye for photography, he also seemed to have a keen eye for Jane. Mason knew where Jane's feelings lay, though, and he intended to make sure he kept it that way. He looked at his watch and noted that they had a little extra time before they would be expected by his parents. No time like the present to remind my girl about what she's got, Mason thought.

O_o

"We gotta hurry my dove. Mase will be home in T minus ten minutes."

"Edward, you know it takes me a little longer. I'm not twenty-five anymore!"

Edward wasn't a quitter. He never had been, nor would he ever be. He rubbed his wife a little harder and a little faster.

"I know, but we can't afford to buy whatever else he comes up with if he keeps catching us like this." Bella knew Edward's words were true. While Mason had only admitted to seeing his parents the one time, they knew better. There had been another time when he'd skipped school and come home early, but Mason wasn't willing to admit his truancy, and Bella and Edward hadn't wanted to admit to being sex fiends who often partook in a bit of afternoon delight. The "don't ask, don't tell" policy was working well for the Cullen's.

"Son-of-a-" Edward panted as he heard the roar of the motorcycle.

"Just hurry, go faster!" Bella shouted, half in worry, half in ecstasy.

"You know-" Edward began, but was cut off.

"Shut up and finish for Christ sake!" Bella commanded. Edward loved it when she was bossy, and it was all he needed to get the job done.

Seventy-two seconds later, Bella and Edward were dressed and headed down the stairs to greet their only born and his beloved. While Edward and Bella adored Jane and couldn't hope for a better match for their son, they weren't as fond of her father. Deputy Felix Arrow had given the pair quite a bit of trouble over the years. Unfortunately, Bella's bicycle incident hadn't been her only infraction, nor was that Edward's last visit to the city jail.

After pleasantries commenced, Edward pulled his son in for a hug. "Son, I won't ask for details, but your shirt appears to be buttoned askew." Mason pulled away from his father, looking down at his clumsily buttoned shirt. He was about to respond in remorse when he noticed Edward's shirt.

"Uh, Dad? Looks like we have the same affliction." Mason pointed to Edward's shirt with mismatched buttons and holes.

"So it appears." Edward laughed while also enjoying the grin on his son's face. "Like father, like son."

In the years since meeting Bella, and then Mason's birth, Edward had become a different man than he was in his youth. Once sullen and bored with life, he was now vibrant and excited to greet each day. He had been for the past eighteen years.

As Edward watched his family gathered around him in quiet conversation, he knew that no matter what, there would always be smiles in this world that were meant just for him.

* * *

The end.


End file.
